The Third Arrow: How to Stop Shaming Yourself This Thanksgiving (Buddhist Psychology Guide)

by Beatriz Victoria Albina, NP, MPH, SEP
Bestselling Author of End Emotional Outsourcing and host of the Feminist Wellness Podcast

Table of Contents

1. What Is the Third Arrow?
2. The Buddha’s Teaching on Two Arrows
3. How the Third Arrow Shows Up on Thanksgiving
4. The Neuroscience Behind the Third Arrow
5. 5 Tools to Stop the Third Arrow
6. Specific Applications for Your Situation
7. FAQ About the Third Arrow

What Is the Third Arrow? The Hidden Shame Response Ruining Your Holidays

Today is Thanksgiving in the US, and I need to tell you about the third arrow. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. That awareness might save your holiday.

The Buddha taught about two arrows in the Sallatha Sutta. The first arrow is pain, which is unavoidable and part of being human. The second arrow is how we resist that pain, the “this shouldn’t be happening” that makes everything worse.

However, there’s a third arrow nobody talks about. It’s the most damaging one.

The third arrow is the shame about having a reaction at all. It’s the voice that says: “I’m broken for feeling this way. Everyone else can handle Thanksgiving. What’s wrong with me?”

Consequently, it turns self-attack into a reflex. It’s running in the background of your entire day.

The Buddha’s Two Arrows Teaching (And the Missing Third Arrow)

Understanding Buddhist Psychology’s Arrow Metaphor

In Buddhist psychology, the parable of the two arrows explains human suffering:

• First Arrow: Inevitable pain (illness, loss, difficult circumstances)
• Second Arrow: Our resistance and reaction to pain (rumination, “why me?”)

Nevertheless, modern trauma-informed psychology and nervous system work reveal a third layer most Buddhist teachers don’t explicitly name: the shame about having a human reaction.

How the Third Arrow Differs from the Second Arrow

The second arrow is resistance to circumstances. In contrast, the third arrow is judgment of your own nervous system response. It’s meta-shame, or feeling bad about feeling bad.

How the Third Arrow Shows Up on Thanksgiving: Real Examples

Example 1: The Silverware Incident

Imagine you’re setting the table and your mom rearranges everything you just did. She moves the forks and recenters the napkins. She doesn’t say a word, just fixes it.

First arrow: Hurt. Humiliation. You feel small, dismissed, and invisible again.

Second arrow: Your mind spirals. She always does this. Nothing I do is right. I’m never enough for her.

Third arrow: I’m ridiculous for being upset. I’m a grown adult crying about silverware placement. I should be over this by now. I’m failing at healing.

See the difference? The third arrow isn’t about the forks anymore. Instead, it’s about judging yourself for having feelings about the forks. You’re not just hurt. You’re also ashamed of being hurt.

The Third Arrow and Emotional Outsourcing

This third arrow connects directly to what I call Emotional Outsourcing, which happens when we habitually source our safety, belonging, and worth from outside ourselves.

When that’s your strategy, holidays become performance reviews. Every reaction gets graded. Furthermore, the third arrow is your internalized critic keeping you in line.

If I shame myself fast enough, maybe I’ll earn my way back into approval.

Example 2: The “Real Job” Comment

Scenario: Your uncle asks what you’re doing for work these days. You explain your business. He laughs and says, “So you’re still figuring it out? When are you getting a real job?”

First arrow: Shame. Your throat tightens. You feel stupid and small.

Second arrow: Your mind races. Everyone heard that. They all think I’m a failure. I should defend myself. I should leave.

Third arrow: Why do I even care what he thinks? I’m too sensitive. Successful people don’t get rattled by comments like this. What’s wrong with me?

Or the numbing version: You laugh along, change the subject, and spend the rest of dinner proving how busy and important you are.

Either way, your body never gets what it needs, which is your attention.

Example 3: The Outfit Changes

You’re getting dressed and you’ve changed outfits four times. Nothing feels right because you’re bracing for commentary about how you look.

First arrow: Anticipatory dread. Your body remembers every comment about your weight, your style, and your hair.

Second arrow: Rigid self-monitoring. You’re checking the mirror obsessively, adjusting and re-adjusting, trying to find something that won’t invite a reaction.

Third arrow: I’m being ridiculous. It’s just clothes. Normal people don’t do this. What’s wrong with me that I can’t just get dressed?

Example 4: Dissociation at the Dinner Table

You’re sitting at the table while people argue about politics. As a result, you feel yourself leaving your body, dissociating to stay safe in a hot room.

First arrow: Activation. Fear of conflict. Your nervous system is detecting threat.

Second arrow: You’re gone. Checked out. You’re watching from somewhere else while your body sits in the chair.

Third arrow: Later, you shame yourself for “spacing out,” as if dissociation wasn’t your body’s smartest move to protect you.

Example 5: The Relief-Guilt-Shame Cycle

You’re home alone by choice. You feel relief. Then you feel guilt for feeling relief. Finally, you feel shame about the guilt.

Triple arrow. Neat and tidy.

The Neuroscience Behind the Third Arrow: Why This Happens

Your Brain on Thanksgiving Stress

Here’s why the third arrow happens:

The first arrow triggers your amygdala. Threat detected. Adrenaline and cortisol flow. As a result, your body does its job by activating your sympathetic nervous system for survival.

The second arrow keeps that stress circuit humming with thought spirals and meaning-making. Meanwhile, your prefrontal cortex tries to make sense of the threat.

The third arrow recruits your oldest learning about worth. If you grew up hearing that calm, agreeable, low-needs people are lovable, your nervous system treats any activation as social risk. Therefore, it scrambles to self-correct through:

• Perfection
• People-pleasing
• Performance

Why This Is Adaptation, Not Weakness

This is the brilliance of survival skills. Your body adapted to keep you safe in the environment you had. It served you then. However, it just doesn’t serve you now. Fortunately, we’re giving it new options.

5 Evidence-Based Tools to Stop the Third Arrow

Tool #1: Name It (Affect Labeling)

Say it out loud or in your head: “Third arrow. It’s trying to shame me for being human.”

Why this works: Labeling unloads your nervous system. Research shows that affect labeling (naming emotions) reduces amygdala activity. As a result, it turns chaos into something your prefrontal cortex can work with.

Tool #2: Change State Before Changing Story

Somatic interventions:

• Press your feet into the floor for three slow counts
• Step outside and let your gaze go wide
• Track one distant sound, one close sound

Why this works: This tells your body: I’m here. New information available. Consequently, your interpretation will follow your physiology, not the other way around. You can’t think your way out of a nervous system state.

Tool #3: Re-Source Worth Internally (Stop Emotional Outsourcing)

When the third arrow hits, you’ll want to scan the room to see if people still approve of you. Don’t do this.

Instead, scan your own body. Ask yourself: “What do I actually need right now?”

Then give yourself something small:

• Water
• Fresh air
• Your hand on your chest

This is how you source safety from yourself instead of performing for the room.

Tool #4: Catch the Boundary Shame

Someone pushes pie. You say no. They push again. As a result, you feel irritation rising and immediately think: “I’m being difficult. I should just take the pie. Why am I always like this?”

That’s the third arrow. Your boundary wasn’t the problem. Rather, shaming yourself for having one is.

Script: “I heard you. Still no.”

Then notice the urge to apologize or explain. That urge is the third arrow trying to get you back in line. Remember, you don’t owe anyone a story about why you don’t want pie.

Tool #5: Self-Compassion Language

Talk to yourself like someone you love: “Hey sweetheart, old lessons are loud today. We’re on our own side.”

You wouldn’t tell a kid who fell, “You idiot.” Instead, you’d say, “Ouch, that hurt. Come here.”

Be that lap for yourself.

Specific Applications: Your Situation Today

If You Stayed Home This Thanksgiving

The third arrow will tell you that you abandoned people. It will say that you’re selfish and that real family shows up.

Notice that voice. It’s not truth. Rather, it’s old conditioning.

Reframe: “I made the choice my body could handle. That’s not abandonment. That’s honoring what’s real.”

Then do something that lets your nervous system know you’re safe:

• Make tea
• Light a candle
• Sit in the quiet

Your body will believe what it can feel.

If You’re There and It’s Hard

The third arrow says you should be able to handle this. It insists everyone else is fine and questions what’s your problem.

When someone keeps pushing after you’ve said no, you don’t owe an explanation. Instead, you owe yourself a decision.

Script: “I’m going to step outside now.”

Then go. As a result, your body learns to trust you when your actions match your words.

Watch Out for Weaponized Gratitude

If someone says “other people have it worse” when you express a feeling, that’s a third arrow in disguise.

Real gratitude and real pain can exist at the same time. Your body knows the difference between what’s true and what’s performance.

FAQ: The Third Arrow and Holiday Stress

What is the third arrow in Buddhist psychology?

The third arrow is the self-judgment and shame about having an emotional reaction. While the Buddha taught about two arrows (pain and resistance), the third arrow represents meta-shame, or feeling bad about feeling bad.

How is the third arrow different from the second arrow?

The second arrow is resistance to external circumstances (“this shouldn’t be happening”). In contrast, the third arrow is judgment of your internal response (“I shouldn’t be feeling this way, what’s wrong with me?”).

Why does the third arrow happen on holidays?

Holidays activate old family dynamics and nervous system patterns. If you learned that being calm and agreeable equals safety, your body treats emotional activation as social threat. Consequently, it triggers shame to “correct” you back into acceptable behavior.

Can you stop the third arrow completely?

The goal isn’t to never experience the third arrow. Rather, it’s to notice it faster and refuse to add that layer of shame. With practice, you catch it mid-flight instead of after it’s already landed.

Is the third arrow the same as self-compassion?

Not exactly. Self-compassion is the antidote to the third arrow. Specifically, the third arrow is the problem (self-attack for having feelings). In contrast, self-compassion is the solution (treating yourself with kindness when difficult emotions arise).

What’s the connection between the third arrow and trauma?

Trauma often teaches us that our reactions are dangerous or unacceptable. As a result, the third arrow becomes an automatic safety mechanism: “if I shame myself first, maybe I can avoid external punishment or rejection.”

How long does it take to stop shooting the third arrow?

This is a practice, not a destination. Most people notice improvements within weeks of consistent practice. However, the pattern has deep roots. Therefore, the win is catching it faster, not never experiencing it.

The Practice: Refusing the Third Arrow

I told you at the start: once you see the third arrow, you can’t unsee it. Now you’ve seen it.

You’ll catch it tomorrow. You’ll notice it at the next gathering. You’ll recognize it in the bathroom mirror when that familiar shame starts building. When you think “I’m too sensitive, I should be over this, what’s wrong with me,” you’ll recognize it for what it is: the third arrow, mid-flight.

And you’ll have a choice you didn’t have before.

When your mom rearranges the forks and you think “I’m ridiculous for caring,” you’ll catch it. When your uncle makes that comment and you spiral into “successful people don’t get rattled,” you’ll name it. When the voice says “you abandoned everyone,” you’ll see the lie.

You’ll say: “Third arrow. Not today.”

Then you’ll do the next right thing:

• Press your feet on the floor
• Place your hand on your chest
• Speak words you’d say to someone you love

That’s the practice. Not perfection. Not never getting hurt. Rather, just refusing to attack yourself for being human.

The first arrow will keep coming because that’s life. The second arrow will activate because that’s your nervous system doing its job. But the third arrow? That one’s optional.

That one’s yours to refuse. You can decline it. You can say ‘no thank you!’ to it.

Your worth isn’t up for debate at the dinner table. Furthermore, it’s not contingent on how gracefully you handle things or whether everyone approves.

Your safety, your belonging, your worth all live in you.

Holidays are loud. Let your voice be louder. And make it kind.