Nervous System Dysregulation: Why You Feel Anxious, Disconnected, or Stuck in Shame

Have you ever ended a call with your mom and immediately felt anxious, wired, and on edge?
Or found yourself pulling out your hair without realizing it, then drowning in shame about it?
Or maybe you’ve felt like you’re living life behind a glass wall, unable to fully be in the moment?

These experiences might seem unrelated at first. But beneath the surface, they often point to the same root cause: nervous system dysregulation.

This week on the Tenderoni Hotline, we explored three powerful questions from listeners struggling with anxiety after family interactions, compulsive hair pulling, and dissociation. What connected them was one clear thread. Our bodies are responding in exactly the ways they were designed to, even when those responses feel confusing or hard to sit with.

Let’s walk through each question and unpack what your body is trying to tell you, and how you can start offering it real support.

Watch the full Episode on YouTube here

When a “Fine” Call Leaves You Feeling Anxious

“It doesn’t make sense because the call was fine. Why does talking to her do this to me?”

This is a question so many emotionally outsourced folks wrestle with, especially when it comes to family. The truth is, your nervous system isn’t just reacting to today’s conversation. It is responding to the emotional history woven into that relationship.

If you’ve had to walk on eggshells, manage someone else’s moods, or silence your truth to stay safe or be liked, your body remembers that. Even when things seem calm now, your system may still be stuck in:

– Hypervigilance: scanning for signs of criticism or guilt

– Fawn response: performing a version of you that keeps the peace

– Functional freeze: present but not really here

That anxious or irritable feeling after the call might simply be the tension spilling out after you’ve been holding it all together.

Try this:

Give yourself a moment to land after the call.

– Shake out your arms and legs

– Take a few long, slow exhales

– Step outside and feel the ground beneath you

– Let your body know it is safe to come down now

You don’t need to justify this care. If your body says it’s stressed, it is. That’s all the reason you need.

Hair-Pulling as a Nervous System Survival Strategy

“I pull out my hair without even thinking about it. I feel so ashamed.”

This listener described what may be trichotillomania, a body-focused repetitive behavior. What many folks don’t realize is that these behaviors are often the nervous system’s way of trying to regulate itself.

Hair-pulling can serve different purposes for different people:

– Discharging anxiety

– Grounding the body through sensation

– Relieving internal pressure

– Reconnecting with sensation during dissociation

And the shame that follows? That only fuels the cycle. Shame activates your nervous system and keeps you in a state of dysregulation. The more you beat yourself up, the more likely your system is to seek that release valve again.

Try this:

– Work with a licensed therapist who specializes in BFRBs or trichotillomania

– Get curious about what emotions or sensations come up before the urge

– Remind yourself: you are not broken

This isn’t a willpower problem. It is a nervous system pattern. And it deserves support, not punishment.

The Disorienting Fog of Dissociation

“I feel like there’s a lag between what’s happening and my ability to respond.”

This sounds like dissociation, possibly depersonalization or derealization. It’s a common response when the present moment feels overwhelming or unsafe. The body doesn’t shut down entirely, but it creates distance to help you survive.

You may still be moving through your day, but not really living in it. That lag you’re noticing could be your brain protecting you by muting your experience, keeping you just far enough from reality that nothing hits too hard.

This often shows up after:

– Chronic stress

– Unprocessed trauma

– Environments where presence felt unsafe

It is your system’s way of saying, “If I can’t physically leave, I’ll leave mentally.”

Try this:

– Ground through your senses. Name five things you can see. Hold something cold. Splash water on your face.

– Notice your feet on the ground. Anchor into your body with compassion.

– Seek therapy with someone trained in somatic approaches, EMDR, or trauma care

You don’t have to force yourself to feel present. Your system will come back online with safety, time, and support.

Nervous System Dysregulation Isn’t a Flaw. It’s a Signal.

Whether it’s anxiety after a call, repetitive behaviors, or disconnection from your body, the message is the same:

Your nervous system is doing what it learned to do.
And you get to learn new ways of being with it.

None of these responses mean you’re weak or broken. They mean you adapted. You coped. You survived.

You’re Not Overreacting. You’re Over-Adapting.

This work is not about fixing you. It is about understanding you. Listening to your body. Meeting it with tools that build trust instead of more control.

And above all, knowing that your pain makes sense. Your patterns make sense. And your healing is possible.

You are safe. You are held. You are loved.
And when one of us heals, we help heal the world.