Gilded Cage of Overachievement: How to Break Free from False Identities
Success doesn’t always feel like freedom. For many high-achieving women, it feels like a beautifully decorated prison. In this article, Coach Keren Eldad unpacks what it means to live in the gilded cage of overachievement and how we can gently, and powerfully, walk ourselves out of it.
If you’ve been chasing validation, stuck in over-functioning, or exhausted by striving, this conversation is a roadmap back to your real self.
What Is the Gilded Cage of Overachievement?
The “gilded cage” metaphor, central to Keren’s book Gilded, describes the invisible trap many overachievers build. From the outside, everything looks shiny: career wins, polished personas, impressive accomplishments. Yet inside, many feel caged by perfectionism, people-pleasing, and the constant need to prove their worth.
“Overachievement is not an accomplishment. It’s an identity. One rooted in fear, not freedom.” — Coach Keren
Instead of building lives rooted in truth and joy, we end up performing identities shaped by fear and survival. Over time, we forget who we were before the roles took over.
Over-Functioning Isn’t Noble. It’s a Nervous System Cry for Help.
Let’s get clear: over-functioning isn’t just “being a helper” or “handling things.” It’s often a trauma response rooted in childhood experiences of needing to manage others’ emotions or maintain control to feel safe.
Rather than a badge of honor, over-functioning keeps us hyper-vigilant, burned out, and disconnected from our bodies. We end up anticipating others’ needs while ignoring our own.
This way of being might look “successful,” but it’s deeply unsustainable and lonely.
Grief and Choice: The Two Keys to Breaking Free
Real healing often starts with grief. To reclaim your identity, you must be willing to release the false ones. That means grieving the “perfect partner,” the “high achiever,” or the “always-available friend” personas that once kept you safe.
Keren reminds us that awareness is only the beginning. Choosing a new way of being is what opens the cage door.
“You have a choice around here about your identity.”
Even small choices, telling the truth, allowing rest, letting someone down, become acts of radical reclamation.
Healing Happens in Kitten Steps, Not Hustle Sprints
Transformation doesn’t require dramatic overhauls. In fact, the nervous system prefers subtle, repeatable actions. At The Feminist Wellness, we call these kitten steps, tiny, graceful shifts that build trust and safety over time.
Try starting with one of these:
– Sit quietly for 10 minutes without distraction
– Say “no” without over-explaining
– Notice where you’re emotionally managing others
– Breathe slowly and intentionally before responding
– Ask: Is this mine to carry?
These gentle practices are where healing begins, not with force, but with presence.
Rewire Your Brain with Self-Compassion
Healing from overachievement isn’t just about mindset. It’s about the nervous system. Self-compassion, according to research, rewires neural pathways and moves you out of survival mode.
When you meet yourself with kindness instead of critique, you shift your entire internal chemistry. That’s not soft: it’s science.
“When you release yourself, you release others.”
The work you do within changes how you show up in every relationship, decision, and moment.
Redefine Purpose on Your Own Terms
Once you’ve begun to unhook from overachievement, a new question emerges: What do I truly want?
True purpose isn’t found in status or survival. It lives in your values, your joy, and your unique expression. Keren invites us to anchor our identity to something beyond capitalism’s idea of success and instead to root in meaning.
You don’t need to save the world to live purposefully. You just need to stop abandoning yourself in the process.
You Deserve a Life That Feels Good to You
Let this sink in: your life is meant to feel good. Not just look good, not just impress others, but truly, deeply, feel good to you.
If it doesn’t, that’s not a flaw. It’s a signal. An invitation to get curious, get supported, and gently come home to yourself.