Ep #360: Who Are You Without Emotional Outsourcing Habits?

This is Feminist Wellness, and I’m your host, Nurse Practitioner, somatics and nervous system nerd, and life coach Béa Victoria Albina. I’ll show you how to get unstuck, drop the anxiety, perfectionism, and codependency so you can live from your beautiful heart. Welcome, my love, let’s get started.

Hello, hello my love. I hope this finds you doing so well. My darling tender ravioli, this is the first new podcast episode of 2026 and wow. Am I so delighted, grateful, and honored to be here with you all for our 7th year? Whoa. Another year of learning and growing together. What a delight.

This episode was inspired by a client who said, "Listen, I want to stop emotional outsourcing, but there is a part of me that feels really scared. Because I've been doing this my whole life and I'm realizing I don't really know who I am without these habits." And I got to say that makes so much sense. So I wanted to start our year off together by looking at all of that. Those fears and what's on the actual other side of emotional outsourcing because listen, I got to say, it's pretty freaking rad over here on this side. And I would be thrilled to welcome you to this interdependent life where we communicate directly, don't take things personally, make decisions with ease without second guessing ourselves endlessly, know our limits, set healthy boundaries, and know who we are in our bodies, somatically.

And we have to work with those scared parts first before I can help you to come on over for good and take up permanent residence on this side. So let's start with the basics. If you're new here, or if you haven't quite locked in on this term, no problem. Emotional outsourcing is my term that I created, and it's when we hand over our sense of safety, worthiness, or okayness to another person or an external situation. It's when we feel that we need someone else to be happy so we can feel okay.

When we feel we need our boss to validate our work so we can believe we're good at our job. When we feel we need our partner to text us back immediately, or sooner, or we spiral into stories about what it means. When we need the room, feel we need the room to go quiet when we speak, or we assume we did something wrong. When we scan everyone's faces at dinner to see if they're having a good time, because if they're not, you've somehow failed as a host, as a friend, as a human. Oh my goodness.

It shows up as people pleasing, perfectionism, overfunctioning, overexplaining, chronic apologizing, shapeshifting depending on who you're with, losing yourself in relationships, difficulty making decisions without consulting at least 17 people first, taking on other people's moods and emotions as if they're yours to fix. It's the exhausting work of trying to control the world, but namely how other people think and feel about you, what they do, how they feel. Because somewhere along the line, you learned that your safety depended on keeping everyone else comfortable and happy and okay. Okay.

Then here's the thing. That learning made sense. For many of us, especially those of us socialized as women, especially those of us who grew up in chaotic or unsafe environments, with families that were super demanding or emotionally immature, emotional outsourcing was survival. It was adaptive, it was brilliant. It kept you safe. Your nervous system got really good at reading the room, predicting needs, managing other people's emotions before they even felt them. You became an expert at making yourself small, palatable, helpful, indispensable.

So of course, there's a wise and loving protective part of you that's scared to let that go. But of course. Because who are you without that? What happens when you stop performing, when you stop managing, when you stop making yourself into whatever shape you think people need you to be? Really good questions.

And those are the fears, right? The fear that without emotional outsourcing, you'll be alone, rejected, that people won't like you, that you'll lose relationships, that you'll discover you're actually selfish or mean or too much or not enough, that you'll hurt people, that you won't know what to do with yourself. That the unknown is scarier than the exhaustion and burnout and ugh that you know all too well.

And I want to really very clearly honor that fear. I want to say to that part of you, I see you. You're not wrong for being scared. This has been your strategy for staying safe, for staying connected, for staying worthy in your own eyes and the eyes of others. And now someone, me, your therapist, a book, your own wise body, is suggesting you let it go. And that feels massive and terrifying and maybe impossible.

So let me paint you a picture of what's actually on the other side, because I used to live somewhere around neck deep in codependent perfectionist and people-pleasing habits and I've done so much work, thought work, somatic work, deep work. And my love, let me tell you what, it is so good over here. And I need you to know that before we can do the work of coming over here together, right? You got to know that there's a good destination awaiting you.

Let's start with something simple and so revolutionary, it might make you want to cry. Imagine going to a dinner party or throwing one, that's even worse, and not spending the entire time monitoring everyone's experience. Not scanning faces, not jumping up to refill drinks before anyone asks, not telling that story you don't even want to tell, but you do think it'll make someone laugh, so fine. Not staying late when you're exhausted because leaving might seem rude.

Instead, you show up. You bring something if you want to. You have conversations that actually interest you. You notice when your body is getting tired or overstimulated. You say, "Hey, this was a delight and I'm going to head out when you're ready." And then you leave. And you don't spend the next 3 days reviewing every interaction for evidence that you said something wrong or you weren't good enough or other people are judging you. You just enjoyed what you enjoyed, connected where connection happened, and went home when you were good and done, not on anyone else's timeline, but on your own.

You don't need the party to go a certain way for you to be okay. You don't need everyone to absolutely love you. You don't need to have been the most charming or the most helpful or most interesting person there. You were just there as yourself, as you. And that was enough. God, can you even imagine that? Because you know what, that's actually available to you. That exact experience.

Here's another one. Imagine your partner comes home in a grumpy, bad mood. They're short with you. They go straight to the bedroom and they close the door. In emotional outsourcing mode, you are immediately spiraling. What did I do? Are they mad at me? Did I forget something? Should I go in there? Should I give them space? Oh no. What if they're reconsidering the relationship? What's happening? Let me review the last 3 days of interactions. Let me think about what I could have done, what I could have done differently. What's wrong with me? Let me make their favorite dinner. That'll do it. Let me do that. Let me fix this. Let me clean the house. Let me, let me, let me spin myself into a tailspin.

On the other side of emotional outsourcing, yeah, you notice they're upset. You feel some sensation in your body. Maybe your chest tightens a little, maybe your shoulders come up or your jaw tenses, but you notice that. You orient your nervous system, you take a breath, you remember that their mood is not about you unless they directly tell you it is. Isn't that wild? You remember that you are not responsible for fixing their emotional state. You give them space because that's what the closed door indicates they need. Maybe later you say, "Hey, you seem stressed earlier. If there's anything you want to talk about, I'm here." And if they say no, you let it be a no. You don't make their stress mean something about your worth or your relationship or your responsibility, and you don't take it personally.

You stay in your own body, in your own lane, and you let them have their experience. You let them process in their own time and way. And so that version of you honors their partner, but also gets to have a peaceful evening when someone else is struggling. That version of you doesn't lose yourself every time someone else has a feeling. You still showed up for your partner. You gave them love. You said, "I'm here. You can take my hand if you want it." But you didn't light yourself on fire to try to keep them warm.

Let me give you a work example because this is where emotional outsourcing can be absolutely brutal and not enough people are talking about it. So you're in a meeting and someone criticizes your idea. Not in a mean way, just like, "Hey, I don't think that approach will work because of X, Y, but also Z." Emotional outsourcing version of you, ooh, face gets hot, immediately starts explaining and defending and over-justifying. And then spends the rest of the meeting silent, convinced everyone thinks you're incompetent. Spends the rest of the day replaying it. Considers updating your resume, maybe takes a little look at the old LinkedIn, texts your partner, “Think I'm getting fired.” You can't focus on anything else. You're catastrophizing like we talked about in episodes 285 and 134.

On the other side, someone disagrees with your idea. You feel that initial hit of activation, maybe defensiveness, shame, anger. Okay, you notice it in your body, you take a breath. You say, "That's a fair point. Let me think about that." Or, "Oh, listen, I see it differently because of why. I'm open to other approaches." And you move on. Maybe you think about it later and decide they had a good point. Maybe you still think your idea was better. Either way, you don't make their disagreement mean that you're bad at your job. You don't lose 3 days to shame spiraling. You just had a professional disagreement, and your nervous system didn't collapse. How amazing is that, right? Do you see how different that is? Like, do you see how much energy you get back on the other side of emotional outsourcing?

Here's what else is different. You get to have preferences, like actual preferences that you state out loud without 473 disclaimers. "Listen, I'd rather do Thai food tonight than Italian." Not, "I mean, I don't really care. Like whatever everyone else wants. I'm easy. I'll eat anything. Actually, Italian is great too. I was just thinking maybe Thai, but like seriously, whatever. I'm not picky. Don't worry about me. I'm fine. Don't worry about it." No. Just like, "I'd rather do Thai tonight." And then the group decides and you're okay either way because you stated your grown-up preferences and now it's just a collective decision, not a referendum on your worthiness. Right? It's not a story about, "Do I matter to them enough to pick what I," no.

Nowadays, on the other side, you get to say no without a performance of how sorry you are and how much you wish you could say yes and here are all the reasons you can't. Just, "Nah, no, thank you. That doesn't work for me." Or, "Oh no, I'm not available." Or even just, "No." Full sentence, complete thought. You get to stop explaining yourself constantly, stop over justifying every decision, stop needing everyone to understand and approve of your choices before you can feel okay about making them.

And speaking of decisions, oh my love. Let me tell you about what it's like to make a decision on the other side of emotional outsourcing, because this, this might truly be one of the most life-changing shifts for me and for - I’ve seen this in dozens of clients and Anchored. It's amazing.

Okay, so imagine you get a job offer. It's a good offer. Different company, similar role, bit more money, way better commute. Emotional outsourcing version, you immediately start polling everyone. "What do you think I should do?" You call your mom, my mom, your best friend, your partner, your mentor, your college roommate. You make a pros list. You make a cons list. You make a different pros and different cons list. You lie awake at night running scenarios.

What if you take it and it's terrible? What if you don't take it and you miss out? What will people think if you leave your current job? Hmm? What will your current boss think? Hmm? You Google, "How to know if you should take a new job at 2 a.m.?" You read articles, you take quizzes. You're in your head constantly, spinning, anxious, unable to land anywhere. You ask your partner again what they think. You change your mind 4 times that day. The deadline approaches and you, my love, are paralyzed, terrified of making the wrong choice, desperate for someone to just tell you what to do.

Meanwhile, you on the other side, you get the offer, you sit with it, you check with your body. When you imagine taking this job, what happens? Maybe there's excitement, maybe there's dread, maybe there's curiosity. You notice. You look at the practical factors: the money, the commute, the role itself, how values aligned it is, how it aligns with where you want to go in your career, in your life, what matters to you. You might talk to one or two people whose perspective you value, but not to get them to decide for you, but to think it out loud because that's a normal thing that humans do. You notice what feels true for you in those conversations, and then you decide. You just decide based on what you know about yourself, what you want, what makes sense for your life right now. You accept or you decline. And then you move forward. Because it's not that deep. And you don't ruminate about whether you made the right choice.

You don't need everyone or anyone to validate your decision. You trust that you made the best choice you could with the information you had, and whatever happens next, you'll handle it. That's it. Decision made, done. Ease. Do you see how different that is?

The emotional outsourcing version can take weeks and can drain you completely. The other version can happen in days, sometimes hours, and you get to keep all that energy for actually living your life, not ruminating, not stressing, not spinning. My beauty, you get to have boundaries. Which I know is a word we throw around a lot, but here's what boundaries actually looks like.

Your mom calls and starts complaining about your sister for the 40th time. Instead of staying on the phone for an hour and a half, absorbing all that negativity and trying to make her feel better while triangulating the whole situation, you say, "Mom, I've got to go and I love you." And you hang up. And you don't spend the rest of the day feeling guilty about it. You just preserved your energy and your nervous system capacity because you know that being your mother's emotional dumping ground doesn't actually help her and it definitely doesn't help you and it doesn't help anyone's relationship with your sister.

Your friend keeps asking you to help with things. "Can you watch my dog? Can you pick this up for me? Can you help me move?" And you've said yes 17 times in a row, not because you want to, not because you have the emotional space or the bandwidth or you're saying yes from your full open heart. Because I believe that we should say yes and support our people from, "I want to." From, "I'm giving from my overflow and I want to support you because I love you and I love being in community."

But you are still neck deep in the emotional outsourcing. So you know why you're saying yes? Because saying no feels impossible. Because it feels tied to your sense of safety, belonging, and worth, and you don't want to risk that. But now, on the other side of emotional outsourcing, this time you're tired. You've got your own stuff going on, and you don't say yes from emotional outsourcing. So you say, "I can't this time." And you sit with the discomfort of them maybe being disappointed. But you don't rush to explain it or make it okay or offer an alternative. You just let it be a no. And they say, "Okay." And the friendship continues because actual friendships can handle, "No, thank you." They can handle limits, they can handle boundaries.

Oh, you also get to stop shape shifting. Oh, this is a big one. You know how you're one person with your family, a different person with your work colleagues, a different person with your partner, a different person with your friend. We all code switch, but there's this exhausting sense of like, "Which version of me do I need to be right now?" That's like not just the person in the role, but it's like you never are quite sure who the real you is because you've spent so long being whoever you thought people needed you to be. It's that. I'm talking about that.

So on the other side of emotional outsourcing, you're just you. Same in all context. Your personality isn't a performance based on what you think will make you safest in the emotional way or most loved in each environment. But yeah, of course, you can code shift consciously, actively, and thoughtfully, right? Like you're not going to talk to your best friend and a cop in the same way. Let's just put that out there.

I'm talking about something different, right? I'm talking about this energy where you can just, well, you can show up as yourself. Your values, your sense of humor, your interests, your boundaries, your limits, your you. And you let people meet and accept you there or not. And yeah, for sure, that means some people won't like you as much, of course. Some people definitely preferred the version of you that did whatever they wanted. But the people who stay, ooh, they're actually with you, the real you, and that connection is so much more nourishing than the exhausting performance of trying to be everything to everyone.

Oh, this one feels great. You get to stop taking things personally. This might be the most liberating shift of all. Someone's short with you, they probably have gas. Someone doesn't text you back right away? Well, maybe they fell into a ditch. Maybe someone criticizes something you did. Well, look at them having an opinion. Someone doesn't laugh at your joke? Well, I guess they just didn't think it was funny. I do. I think it's funny. Send me your jokes. None of them has to mean something about your worth. None of it has to be evidence that you're too much or not enough or fundamentally unlovable. It's just life. It's just people having their own experiences that actually have very little to do with you because we're all just projecting our own fears, our unmet needs. We talked about unmet needs recently. We're projecting that onto everyone around us.

And when something actually is about you, when someone is genuinely upset with you about something you did, you get to hear it without collapsing. You get to say, "Tell me more about that." And then actually listen instead of immediately defending or apologizing or shutting down. You get to consider whether their perspective makes sense and you get to apologize if an apology is warranted. A real apology, not a reflexive, "I'm sorry for existing." You get to learn and adjust, and you get to disagree if you disagree, and you get to say, "I hear that you're upset about this and I see it differently."

If you're wondering, wait, actually, side note, how do I apologize? Way back in the day, but like back in the day, in 2020, episode 72, 73, 74, 75, they're all about apologies. It was like a whole mini series I did. It's really good. I believe that it has held up. Wait, how has it been like over 5 years? Anyway, I'm reeling myself back in. But yeah, you get to apologize. I teach you how, when apologies called for, and you get to say, "No," when not. And that's huge.

All right. You also get to have hard conversations without your nervous system treating it like a life or death threat. You get to tolerate conflict, not because conflict is fun, because it's not, but because you're not making conflict mean that the relationship is ending, right? Or that you're a terrible person. It's just two people with different perspectives trying to work something out. And you can be in your body while that happens and can feel safe enough. You can regulate yourself, you can stay present, you can show up, because it's through conflict that we create deeper and deeper relating.

Here's what you get to do with your energy when you're not spending it all out of you on emotional outsourcing. You get to actually pursue things that interest you. You get to have hobbies, not because they make you impressive, but because they bring you joy. I crochet, I knit, I bake, I do all sorts of grandma activities. It's a delight. You get to rest without feeling guilty. You get to be mediocre at things. You get to try and fail and try again without it being evidence of your fundamental inadequacy.

And you get to know yourself. Like actually know yourself. What you like, what you don't like, what your values are, what matters to you, what you want your life to look like. Not what you think you should want, not what would make you most lovable or successful or impressive, what you actually want. And then here's the really wild part. You get to build a life based on that, based on who you actually are and what you actually want. Not based on keeping everyone else comfortable, not based on meeting external expectations, not based on proving your worth. Just based on you being you and creating a life that feels so good to be in.

You get to have relationships where you're not scanning for signs of abandonment, where you trust that if someone is upset with you, they'll use their words, they'll tell you, where you know that people are with you because they want to be, not because you've perfected the performance of being what they need, not because you've shape shifted and chameleoned. You get to trust yourself, to trust that you can handle hard things, that you can tolerate disappointment, yours and other people's, that you can make mistakes and survive them, that you can be imperfect and still be worthy of love and belonging, that you don't have to have it all figured out, that you're allowed to be in process.

My beauty, you get to live in your body instead of in your head running scenarios and trying to predict and control everyone else's reactions. You get to feel your feelings instead of just managing everyone else's. You get to be present instead of performing.

And look, I'm not saying it's all sunshine and puppy dog tails and ease over here. There are still very hard things. You're still going to have conflict. You're still going to disappoint people sometimes. You're still going to make mistakes. You're still going to suffer from foot-in-mouth disease. It's dangerous. You're still going to have relationships end.

But here's the difference. You're not doing it alone. You're not emotional outsourcing, but you're also not isolated. You're interdependent. You're connected to yourself first, and from that place of internal security, you're able to connect with others in a way that's genuine and sustainable. You have people you can be real with, people who can handle your actual feelings, people who don't need you to be fine all the time, people who you don't have to perform for, people who want your realness.

And you get to be that person for others too, which feels so amazing. Someone who can witness their struggle without trying to fix it. Someone who can let them have their own experience. Someone who trusts them to figure out their own stuff and can hold loving, caring space while they do it. You get to communicate directly. "I'm hurt by what you said. I need some alone time. I'd like to talk about this. I disagree. I'm struggling. I'd love a hug. I'd love your support." Just clear, direct communication instead of hoping people will read your mind or pick up on your hints or just know what you need.

You get to ask for what you need. Not manipulate people into giving it to you, not drop hints, not get resentful when they don't guess correctly, just ask. "Can you listen while I talk this out? Again, I need a hug. I need you to handle dinner tonight. I need to vent for 5 minutes, then I'll be done. Give me about 5, maybe 6 minutes. Yeah? Does that work?"

And listen, sometimes people will say no, and you'll be totally okay. Because their no doesn't mean you're too much or your needs are unreasonable or you effed up. It just means they're not available for that right now. And you can ask someone else or meet that need another way or sit with the disappointment and move through it.

You get to stop managing everyone's perception of you. Ooh, this is huge. You get to stop curating your life for external consumption. Stop crafting the perfect response. Stop trying to control the narrative. Stop worrying about whether you came across the right way. People think what they think. You can't control it. And trying to control it is exhausting and ultimately futile. So you just get to be yourself and let people make of that what they will. Some people will get you. Some won't. Some people will love you and think you're hilarious. Some won't. And all of that is okay because your worth isn't determined by unanimous approval.

Here's what a day in your life might look like on this side. You wake up and check in with yourself. How am I feeling? What do I need today? Not, "What does my to-do list need?" What do I, the human mammal, need? Maybe it's movement, maybe it's stillness, maybe it's mindfulness, maybe it's meditation, maybe it's connection, maybe it's solitude. You orient to yourself first. You go through your day and things happen. Someone's annoyed with you, for example. So you notice the activation in your body, you breathe, you remember this is their experience and you don't have to fix it. Someone asks you to do something. You check in with yourself.

Do I want to do this? You feel into your body. Do I have capacity for this? Maybe you take it a step further. Does this align with my values and my priorities? How full is my cup? You say yes or no based on all of that, not based on what will make you most likable.

You have a hard conversation. You stay present in your body. You feel the discomfort, and you don't make the discomfort mean something's wrong. You communicate clearly, you listen, you hold your boundary, you survive it. The relationship gets even deeper for it. You notice you're getting tired or overwhelmed. Instead of pushing through, you rest. You take a break. You do something regulating. Maybe it's a walk, maybe it's lying on the floor, lifting some weights, calling a friend. You tend to yourself the way you would tend to someone you love because you remember you're a taller toddler, and you need to treat yourself gently.

You end your day and you're not replaying every interaction. You're not anxious about tomorrow. You're not running through all the ways you might have messed up or all the ways you need to be better. You're just tired in a good way. You did what you did. You were who you were today. And that's enough. You don't need to second guess it.

So that's the other side, my love. That's what's available to you. And I know the scared part of you is thinking, "But what if I can't do this? What if I try and fail? What if I lose everyone? What if I'm actually selfish and terrible and this just makes it worse? What if I don't know how?" And to that part, I want to say, "You don't have to know how yet. You don't have to be perfect at this. You don't have to get it all right. This is a practice. This is a process. This is something you learn gradually with support, with lots of attempts and adjustments and coming back to center, coming back to your body over and over and over again."

My beauty, my sweet squash blossom, you're not going to wake up tomorrow and suddenly be completely free of emotional outsourcing. That's not how nervous system work happens. But you can start to notice it. You can start to notice yourself in the pattern. You can start to practice wee little moments of coming back to yourself. And those little moments, well, they add up. They build on each other. They create new neural pathways. They teach your nervous system that you can be safe even when you're not managing everyone else.

And listen, no, you're not going to lose everyone. The people who are supposed to stay in your life will stay. The people who only wanted the performing version of you, they're likely to drift away. And listen, that's actually a good thing, even though it hurts. Because my beauty, you're making room for relationships that are real and mutual and nourishing, and what's meant for you will not pass you by. I believe that so deep in my heart.

Listen, if you're listening to this show and worrying about this, you're probably not selfish. And setting boundaries isn't selfish and having needs isn't selfish and taking care of yourself isn't selfish. Letting other people be responsible for their own feelings isn't selfish. It's healthy. It's necessary. It's what allows you to show up as your full self in relationships instead of as a depleted, resentful, performing version of you.

This life I'm describing, it's not only possible, it's your birthright. You were never supposed to carry everyone else's emotional experience. You were never supposed to disappear yourself for the comfort of others. You were always supposed to be able to trust your own knowing, to set your own boundaries based on your own limits, to take up space, to make mistakes, to be imperfect, to be human.

And getting there, coming over to this side, that's what all the work is about. That's what we're doing when we're learning to regulate our nervous systems, when we're practicing boundaries, when we're noticing our patterns, when we're being gentle and compassionate with ourselves, when we're building distress tolerance, when we're learning to communicate directly. We're building the capacity to live this way, to live free, to live as ourselves, to live without the constant, exhausting work of emotional outsourcing.

And my love, you can do this. I know you can because I've seen thousands of people do it in Anchored. I've done it myself. I've watched my clients go from anxious and performing and exhausted to grounded and clear and able to trust themselves and make decisions with ease. I've watched them feel their limits in their bodies and set boundaries they never thought they could set. I've watched them have conversations they never thought they could have. I've watched them choose themselves over and over until it started to feel natural instead of terrifying.

This is all available to you, all of it. And if that scared part of you needs some reassurance, needs some support, needs some loving, caring guidance on how to get to there, that's literally exactly what I do. It's my passion. It's what all my work is about. Teaching you how to end emotional outsourcing, how to come home to yourself, how to build the life I've been describing.

So let this be your invitation. Let this be the picture of what's possible. Let this be the hope you need to take the next step, whatever that step is for you. You don't have to live in constant anxiety about other people's feelings. You don't have to perform your way through life. You don't have to disappear yourself to be loved. There's another way and it's so good over here, and I cannot wait to welcome you home.

My love, thank you for listening. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being willing to imagine something different for yourself. If you would like my expert support and a loving community of others dedicated to doing this work, you're going to want to join us in Anchored, my 6-month program. We start February 23rd and I cannot wait to welcome you to this loving community. Learn more and apply now. It fills up super fast, beatrizalbina.com/anchored.

Let's do what we do. Gentle hand on your heart should you feel so moved. And remember, you are safe, you are held, you are loved. And when one of us heals, we help heal the world. Be well, my beauty. Ciao. I'll talk to you soon.