All About End Emotional Outsourcing
If you've ever wondered why you can't seem to stop saying yes when you mean no, why you edit yourself in real-time during conversations, or why setting boundaries feels impossible even though you know you "should" do it—this book is for you.
End Emotional Outsourcing™ isn't another mindset book that tells you to think differently while your body keeps doing the same old thing. It's a science-backed, shame-free guide to retraining the nervous system patterns that have you handing your worth and emotional safety to everyone but yourself.
This is the work that goes deeper than therapy insights, beyond affirmations that don't stick, and past boundary advice that collapses the moment someone pushes back. It's about rewiring the automatic reflexes that live in your body—the ones that fire faster than thought and have kept you stuck in cycles of people-pleasing, self-doubt, and exhaustion.
Whether you're new to this work or you've read every self-help book on the shelf, this approach will land differently. Because it meets you where the real change happens: in your nervous system, where survival codes get written and where they can finally be rewritten.
Ready to stop outsourcing your emotional safety? Here's everything you need to know about the book and this work:
FAQ: End Emotional Outsourcing™
The Basics
What is Emotional Outsourcing™?
Emotional Outsourcing™ is the term I coined to describe the codependent, perfectionist, and people-pleasing thought habits that train you to hand your worth and emotional steadiness to everyone but yourself. It’s not who you are. It’s a set of survival codes your nervous system once relied on when keeping others happy felt like the only way to stay safe.
The nervous system doesn’t just “remember” these skills in your mind - it encodes them deep in procedural memory, the kind of memory that runs automatically, outside conscious thought. Just like you don’t have to think about how to ride a bike once you’ve learned, you don’t have to think about saying yes when your body believes no is dangerous. The pattern fires before your thinking brain has time to intervene.
Why did you create the term Emotional Outsourcing™ instead of just saying “codependency”?
Because “codependent” never captured the full picture. It labels people, freezes them in an identity, and leaves out the nervous system entirely. Emotional Outsourcing™ names the process - the outsourcing of your emotional safety - without reducing you to a “type” of person.
I also don’t use the term “codependent” because it comes from the 12-step disease model, which pathologizes love and care and has often been weaponized - especially against women - as shorthand for “needy” or “too much.” That framing turns survival strategies into a character defect instead of what they actually are: brilliant, protective adaptations your nervous system developed to keep you safe and connected.
And it’s important to note the history here: “codependency” emerged during the height of the War on Drugs, framed through an individual-illness lens. The focus was on “fixing” the so-called pathology in the person - usually women - who attached to or cared for someone struggling with addiction. What that model missed entirely was the broader sociopolitical context. It didn’t account for how patriarchy, white-settler colonialism, and capitalism train so many of us to source our worth through caretaking, compliance, and self-erasure. It ignored the reality that what gets called “codependency” is often a natural, understandable response to growing up in environments where love, safety, or belonging were contingent on tending to others first.
Emotional Outsourcing™ shifts the focus from pathology to process, from individual defect to collective conditioning. It highlights the biology - how procedural memory and automatic reactions override affirmations and mindset work every time - and it brings in the sociopolitical truth: these patterns don’t arise in a vacuum. They’re trained into us by family systems and reinforced by culture.
I coined Emotional Outsourcing™ to take the shame out, bring compassion and love in, and name these habits as both survival strategies and products of the world we live in - strategies that can be rewired once we see them for what they are.
The Problems
What problems does the book actually solve?
- Chronic people-pleasing that leaves your own needs unmet
- Second-guessing every decision, needing constant reassurance before acting
- Ruminating and editing yourself in real time during conversations
- Saying yes while your body screams no
- Digestive issues, restless sleep, and exhaustion linked to nervous system dysregulation
- Staying stuck in jobs, friendships, or relationships that drain you because leaving feels unsafe
These aren’t “mindset problems.” They’re nervous system problems - encoded into automatic reflexes. That’s why you can promise yourself you’ll do it differently next time, yet find your body doing the old thing before you even notice.
👉 The podcast gives you language. The book gives you the step-by-step to rewire.
Is Emotional Outsourcing my fault?
No. These habits are survival codes - your body’s best attempt to keep you safe in environments where authenticity felt dangerous. They get coded into procedural memory through repetition, stress, and social conditioning until they become automatic.
👉 In the book, I teach you to meet those old codes with compassion, and then rewrite them into something that actually serves you.
The Approach
How is this book different from other self-help books?
Science and Somatics: Mindset alone can’t rewrite procedural memory. You can tell yourself “I deserve to say no,” but if your body has coded “no means danger,” your mouth will say yes before you’re aware of it. This book teaches you how to re-train those reflexes so your nervous system stops treating self-erasure as safety.
Liberation lens: I name patriarchy, white-settler colonialism, and capitalism as forces that condition women and marginalized folks to equate love with over-giving. These habits aren’t personal failings - they’re cultural training.
Shame-free: You’re not “a codependent.” You’re someone whose nervous system adapted brilliantly to survive. That reframing changes everything.
What will I actually learn to do?
Somatic or body-based practices to complete stress responses and regulate your nervous system so you freak out or shut down less and can stay rooted in your Self more and more
The Thought Work Protocol to untangle old beliefs - but grounded in body awareness, so it sticks for the long haul
How to spot outsourcing in real time and interrupt it before the reflex completes - meaning before you do something, like self-abandon, that you soooo wish you hadn’t done
How to build self-trust by making and keeping micro-promises to yourself, which rewires procedural memory meaning it becomes your new go-to to be awesome to you
How to set boundaries with clarity, consequence, and less guilt so you don’t fold like an origami swan the millisecond someone pushes back on your boundary or limit or preference
👉 These aren’t abstract ideas. They’re daily practices you’ll return to again and again.
Is this just about boundaries?
Boundaries matter, but telling someone to “just set them” without nervous system regulation is like telling a runner with a broken ankle to sprint. Your survival brain has coded over-giving as safety. Until that code is rewritten, you’ll keep collapsing in guilt or panic when you try to hold a line.
👉 This book shows you how to teach your body that boundaries don’t equal danger.
The Results
What does life look like after doing this work?
Six months in, people describe changes that feel both subtle and seismic: saying no without spiraling, sleeping through the night, digestion calming, decisions made without polling everyone first. They can hold boundaries and feel steady instead of flooded with guilt. Relationships shift because they finally show up as themselves, not as a curated version designed to keep the peace.
👉 This work changes your daily life, not just your mindset. Start by preordering here.
What’s the first change people usually notice?
The pause. Instead of blurting yes or swallowing your truth, there’s a breath, a flicker of awareness, a moment where choice appears. That pause is revolutionary - it’s the nervous system showing that new pathways are opening.
How long will it take to see change?
Tiny shifts can happen in days: noticing a body cue before you override it. Deeper rewiring takes months, because procedural memory changes through repetition. Each micro-step teaches your nervous system that it’s safe to be you.
👉 The book gives you the daily practices to start building that safety now.
Can Emotional Outsourcing really change after decades?
Yes. Neuroplasticity doesn’t expire. Whether you’re 25 or 75, your nervous system can learn new codes. I’ve worked with folks across generations, and the principle is the same: once the body stops treating self-sacrifice as the only safe option, new possibilities emerge.
👉 It’s never too late to do this work. Preorder End Emotional Outsourcing™ today.
Practicalities
Can I do this work if I’ve already been in therapy?
Yes. Therapy often gives insight. This book helps you embody it. Many readers tell me this is the missing link - they knew what was happening, but their body kept reacting in old ways. This book is where understanding becomes lived change.
What if I’ve read a ton of self-help books already?
Then you already know insight doesn’t stop people-pleasing. Emotional Outsourcing lives in reflexes, not just beliefs. This book is different: it gives you somatic tools to retrain the body, so change isn’t about willpower - it’s about rewiring.
Do I need past trauma to benefit from this book?
No. Emotional Outsourcing shows up in folks with or without trauma histories. Trauma may intensify the reflex, but chronic stress and cultural conditioning are enough to wire these habits in. Nervous system regulation benefits everyone, because everyone has a nervous system.
How do I know if I’m ready for this work?
You don’t need to feel ready. Readiness is a perfectionist trap - waiting for the right moment, the right mood, the right mindset. Change doesn’t require readiness, it requires practice. This book is built on kitten steps, the tiniest shifts your body can integrate without overwhelm.