How Modern Friendship Is Evolving and How to Nurture Yours

What does it mean to be a good friend now? In a world where group chats replace weekly hangouts and the expectation to “show up” comes with emotional weight and ambiguity, friendship has shifted in big ways.

On a recent episode of Feminist Wellness, I sat down with Anna Goldfarb, journalist and author of Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most-Valued Connections, to explore the state of adult friendship today. And y’all, this conversation really hit.

Friendship Isn’t What It Used to Be

Anna calls herself the Friendship Explainer, and with good reason. Her work has been featured in The New York Times, The Atlantic, Time, Vox, and more. She’s done the deep dive on what modern friendship looks like and how it’s changing.

We no longer just rely on our neighbors, coworkers, or college buddies to fill our social circles. Thanks to increased mobility, identity fluidity, and technological change, we’re navigating friendships across a kaleidoscope of life stages, time zones, and expectations.

And let’s be real. For those of us untangling codependency, perfectionism, and people-pleasing (hi, my beautiful emotional outsourcing fam), friendship can feel downright confusing.

The “About” of a Modern Friendship

One of the most powerful takeaways from Anna’s work is the idea that every enduring friendship needs an “about.” This is the why behind your connection, your shared focus or reason to keep showing up.

Citing research, Anna breaks down five key “abouts” that keep friendships going:

1. Career: mutual support in your professional lives

2. Mating: connecting around dating or relationships

3. Emotional support: helping each other navigate life

4. Hobbies and passions: shared interests and activities

5. Sociability: simply enjoying spending time together

When one or more of these shared motivations is strong and clear, friendships tend to thrive. When they’re missing or fade with life changes, the bond can fizzle unless we actively re-negotiate our “about.”

People-Pleasers, This One’s for You

If you find yourself always being the one to text first, plan the dinners, remember the birthdays, and keep every friendship plate spinning, you’re not alone.

Anna gently but firmly names something crucial: people-pleasing is a form of dishonesty. When we agree to things we don’t want to do, when we give from depletion or fear instead of desire and care, that erodes trust. True friendship requires authenticity and emotional maturity. It requires reciprocity.

And as I always say in my work, your ability to be authentic starts with nervous system safety. You’re not bad or broken. You’ve been surviving. But now it’s time to relate differently.

Why Modern Friendship Can Feel So Lonely

We live in a hyperfluid society where social support has become a DIY project. Unlike our grandparents who may have had strong community ties, clubs, or church potlucks, many of us are left to be our own social directors. We’re juggling disconnected networks of coworkers, old classmates, fellow moms, and Instagram acquaintances.

This “bicycle spoke” model of friendship, where you’re at the center with many disconnected social strands, makes cohesion harder. You might have 100 people in your phone contacts, but none of them know each other or fully know you.

And here’s the rub. When our core wounds are unhealed, that disconnection can feel like evidence that we’re unlovable, unworthy, or always too much or not enough. But healing invites a new lens. We can start understanding the why behind friendship dynamics and cultivating them with intention.

Practicing Emotional Generosity

One of my favorite moments in our conversation was when Anna talked about emotional generosity. Not performance. Not self-sacrifice. But showing up for a friend in the way they need, not just the way you want to give.

Sometimes that means going to the vet with their dog. Sometimes it means supporting their business, their kids, or their healing. It’s not about martyrdom. It’s about mutuality, curiosity, and being in each other’s lives in real, rooted ways.

Ask: What matters to you right now? How can I support you in that?

You Already Have Friends. Now What?

Many of us fall into the trap of believing we need more friends when what we actually need is deeper friendships. The truth is, your phone is likely full of people you already love. But without clear “abouts” and mutual intention, those connections go dormant.

Rather than chasing new friends, Anna encourages us to tend to the relationships already in our care. Start small. Get clear on what you want, what your friend needs, and what you can co-create.

Friendship, Nervous Systems and Healing the World

Ultimately, the quality of our friendships mirrors the quality of our relationship with ourselves. When we’re dysregulated, emotionally outsourced, and running old scripts of unworthiness, we often either overgive or withdraw. But with nervous system healing, we can build connections that are grounded in self-trust, honest boundaries, and joyful reciprocity.

If this conversation sparked something in you, share this post, text a friend, or make your “about” listening to Feminist Wellness together. Who knows, it might be the start of your next great friendship chapter.