How to Practice Self-Compassion for Your Past Self and Create Real Change

We’ve all been there, looking back at an old relationship, a decision, or a moment and thinking, “Ugh, I can’t believe I did that.” Maybe you stayed too long, said yes when you wanted to say no, or ignored your needs completely. And maybe now you’re convinced that if you just beat yourself up enough, you’ll avoid making the same mistake again. But here’s the truth: being mean to yourself has never worked. If it did, you wouldn’t still be doing it. Self-compassion isn’t just “being nice” to yourself. It’s a science-backed, nervous-system-friendly way to create actual, lasting change.

Why Self-Criticism Keeps You Stuck

When you criticize your past self, you put your nervous system into a stress response, either anxious (fight-or-flight) or shut down (freeze). In either state, your brain and body are focused on survival, not growth.

That means:

• You block yourself from making grounded, thoughtful choices.

• You reinforce old stories like “I’m not good enough” or “I always mess up.”

• You create shame, which is one of the biggest barriers to self-love and change.

Shame tells you there’s something inherently wrong with you. But not knowing what you didn’t know before you knew it? That’s not a character flaw. That’s just being human.

Self-Compassion is Not Complacency

A lot of people resist self-compassion because they think it means letting themselves “off the hook.”
But kindness toward your past self isn’t about approving of everything you’ve ever done, it’s about meeting yourself with empathy so you can actually grow.

When you choose compassion, you:

• Accept what happened as fact, without moralizing it.

• See your past choices as products of your skills, tools, and nervous system capacity at the time.

• Keep yourself in a regulated state so you can make new choices now.

See Your Past Self Through a New Lens

In Spanish, there are two verbs for “to be”: ser (permanent) and estar (changeable). Too often, we view our past mistakes as ser, unchangeable truths about who we are.

But what if you saw them as estar, just who you were in that moment?
This shift frees you to choose differently today without making your past self the villain of your story.

Practical Ways to Practice Self-Compassion

1. Name the truth: “I was doing the best I could with what I knew.”

2. Drop the moral judgment: Replace “good” or “bad” with “helpful” or “unhelpful.”

3. Check in with your body: Find small moments of safety, deep breaths, grounding touch, to stay regulated.

4. Talk to your inner child: Remember, many of your old patterns were formed before age 7. Be gentle.

5. Stop buffering: Beating yourself up is often a way to avoid feeling difficult emotions. Feel them instead.

Your Past Self is Not Your Forever Self

You can’t kiss the same woman twice. Every moment changes you. Every choice teaches you something new. You are not the same person you were last year or even 10 minutes ago.

Your work now is to meet your past self with compassion, so you can meet your present self with power. That’s where lasting change begins.

If you want to go deeper into this work, my book End Emotional Outsourcing: How to Overcome Your Codependent, Perfectionist, and People-Pleasing Habits is your guide. Inside, you’ll learn how to:

• Release old patterns that keep you stuck in self-criticism

• Heal your relationship with your nervous system

• Build trust in yourself so you can live with more ease, clarity, and confidence

Preorder your copy today at BeatrizAlbina.com/book and start rewriting your story with compassion at the center.