Preemptive Gaslighting: How to Stop Doubting Your Feelings

What Is Preemptive Gaslighting

Have you ever been hurt by someone and instantly wondered if you were just “too sensitive”? Do you replay their words in your mind like a trial, collecting evidence and asking for outside opinions before you allow yourself to feel the pain? That is what I call preemptive gaslighting, one of the most common and cruel patterns I see with my clients.

Instead of honoring our feelings, we investigate them, doubting our own reality before anyone else even gets the chance to.

How Preemptive Gaslighting Shows Up

One client shared that her partner made a cruel comment about her weight in front of friends. Instead of feeling hurt, her mind jumped straight to:

• Was that actually mean?

• Maybe I’m being dramatic.

• Maybe he didn’t mean it that way.

She spent three days analyzing the moment, asking others for validation, dissecting every word. Only then did she finally admit she felt hurt. This is the exhausting cycle of preemptive gaslighting: becoming a detective of your own pain instead of a witness to it.

Why We Preemptively Gaslight Ourselves

This habit often begins in childhood. If you grew up with your feelings minimized or dismissed, your nervous system learned it was safer to doubt yourself first than to risk being told you were wrong.

It might sound like:

• “You’re too sensitive.”

• “That didn’t happen.”

• “You’re making things up.”

Over time, your brain created a shortcut: skip straight to self doubt. It feels like protection, but it robs you of your right to trust yourself.

The Cost of Preemptive Gaslighting

This pattern does not just steal your ability to feel hurt. It also:

• Makes you question your reality

• Keeps you in relationships that erode your sense of self

• Trains you to tolerate harmful treatment at work or at home

• Leads to physical symptoms like anxiety, insomnia, hair loss, and panic attacks

When you cannot trust your own read on a situation, you cannot protect yourself.

Listening to Your Body Instead

Here is the truth: your body does not lie.

• A clenched stomach

• Tight shoulders

• Shallow breath

• The urge to shrink or disappear

These are not signs you are overreacting. They are your nervous system giving you information. Even if your reaction feels bigger than the moment, that does not erase the reality that you were hurt. Often your body is responding to this moment plus every other time you were dismissed or told you were too sensitive.

How to Stop Preemptive Gaslighting

1. Notice the pattern. Catch yourself when you start questioning: “Am I overreacting?” “Did that really happen?”

2. Check your body. Ask: “How did this feel in my body?” Stomach dropping, chest tightening, shoulders tensing are valid data.

3. Validate yourself. Remind yourself: “My feelings are real. My experience matters.”

4. Practice nervous system safety. Gentle breathwork, grounding, or progressive muscle relaxation can help you hold space for your emotions instead of analyzing them away.

Reclaiming Your Reality

Preemptive gaslighting keeps you from trusting your own experience, which keeps you stuck in situations long past their expiration date. The way out is not to gather more evidence, it is to rebuild trust in yourself.

That is exactly what I teach in my book, End Emotional Outsourcing. You will learn the science of why you doubt yourself and somatic practices to help you reconnect with your body’s wisdom.

📖 End Emotional Outsourcing comes out September 30. Preorder today at beatrizalbina.com/book and receive exclusive bonus resources to help you start trusting your inner knowing right away.

Your feelings are valid. Your experience is real. You do not need permission to feel what you feel. You just need to remember how to trust you.