Ep #329: Getting Anchored with Carey Cramer

This is Feminist Wellness, and I’m your host, Nurse Practitioner, somatics and nervous system nerd, and life coach Béa Victoria Albina. I’ll show you how to get unstuck, drop the anxiety, perfectionism, and codependency so you can live from your beautiful heart. Welcome, my love, let’s get started.

Hello, hello my love. I hope this finds you doing so well. Today, I am sharing a conversation I recently had with Carey Cramer who was in Anchored two and a half years ago. We talk all about their experience in the program, what brought them into it, and how their life has changed. And so it's a pleasure and a delight and a privilege to share these stories of folks who've said yes to Anchored, said yes to themselves, said yes to changing their lives as a way to share what's possible. So, without further ado, take it away, Carey.

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Béatriz Victoria Albina: Hello. Oh, thank you so much for being here.

Carey Cramer: Hi, it's truly my pleasure.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: Thank you for that. Would you take a moment to introduce yourself?

Carey Cramer: Yes. Hi, I'm Carey. My pronouns are they/them, and I live in, I live on Tewa, Toa, Tiwa land, which is colonially known as Santa Fe, New Mexico.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: I want to start by talking about the fact that it took us over a half hour to actually get this recording going because it was just glitching and farting and just like tech farts, not other farts, but it was just like glitch after glitch. And we both made note of the fact that past us would not be laughing.

Carey Cramer: We both made note of that. We were both thinking, oh, like now we're laughing about this. It's silly. It's actually fun and enjoyable rather than stressful and tense and breath caught in my throat because, yeah, I mean, you have your own experience with it, but I was sharing from being in Anchored with you, from coaching with you. So I guess the good people should know that I not only did Anchored, but I have gone on, remained an alum after Anchored for almost two years now. Isn't that wild? It's been almost two years, if not two years exactly.

So, I've been working with you for, I guess that's two and a half years because Anchored is six months long. And so, I feel very blessed in that regard. But so, that's relevant because since working with you for the time that I have, I've gotten to not only experience Anchored, but then, yeah, so much more of your journey and experience as time has gone on and learning about that as adults, we get to make mistakes or even like even if things happen that even if this tech issue was my fault, whatever that even means, it still is just a mistake and it still gets to be received graciously or like with care. 

It doesn't mean that you get to treat me badly. And anyway, so I was reflecting on that with all this. Like, oh, I get to it just gets to be fun and silly because I know that this person is going to hold me as just a sweet silly goose and not try to punish me or make this mean more than it does.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: It's a really huge shift. I feel like that's been one of the biggest shifts in my life is I wasn't - in the before times, I wasn't taking seriously the things that were really serious, like being mistreated. I was like, oh, I'm sure they had a lousy day. Which like some grace is nice, but when it's chronic, in Spanish, I'd say, "Avivate." Like, like wake up, become alive with this, right? And, but I can release the seriousness from things that just don't fricking need it. And the gravitas is within my control now. And that's dope. Why, thank you. Yeah.

Carey Cramer: Well said, Béa.

Well, that's it because it's not just, it's not just about having grace all the time. It's about choosing where we have grace. And so I love that you said that.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: Right. Well, is it worth, like, do I want to, would it serve me to feel upset about this right now? I don't have to. So why? It could be a fun and pleasurable experience. And but then getting to have that energy and discernment and clarity for when, yeah, grace isn't the move or whatever. So, thanks for saying that.

Carey Cramer: Yeah, my pleasure.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: So, can you take us back way back in time to two and a half years ago? I think we should have like space travel music start playing. Play it in your head. That was really good.

Carey Cramer: Thank you. Thank you so much.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: You're thank you, really. Cutie pie. What was going on in your life that you were like, yo, I need Anchored. I need coaching. I need this help. Set the scene.

Carey Cramer: Yeah, absolutely. So for me at that time, the main reason for me joining Anchored was kind of relationship related instability, what we call in 12 step, unmanageability, and just general, I wouldn't have had all the terms for this at the time, but just living dysregulated most of the time because of relational issues that were happening at the time, relational trauma. 

So, going through a breakup, in other words. Basically, going through a breakup as many of us do and become. But for me, it was, I had been someone who identifies with just like being really, like, yeah, really dysregulated by relationships for a long time, even though I might not have had that word, bu so what got me into Anchored is having done so many other things up until that point. And what really truly got me is I had done 12 step for codependency, CODA, for, gosh, a year or two. And I had gone through my whole 12 steps. I had experienced profound movement in my life and relationships, and I entered into a dating, I had taken time off from dating, entered into a dating relationship again and watched slowly the same stuff creep up again, and I didn't have the tools to manage it. 

And those tools just weren't quite enough for me to feel okay, not succumb to just complete dysregulation and needing to end the relationship to be, to feel okay. And that was my main pattern, was like the relationship would become so, like I would become so tight and tense and dysregulated in my body due to a relationship that it just, ending it was the only way to feel okay again. And sometimes some of the relationships were not great. Some of them were with these incredible, wonderful, receptive humans. 

You know, it didn't always make sense, but I was the common denominator typically. And so, after this final, like I've done a full 12 step program, I really was expecting something different. And after it, the same thing happened again. I remember thinking like, all right, I need to level up. Like I need some new skills. And so it was from that place. One of my dearest friends sent me your cupcake episode. That was my very first entry. And I just, it felt like balm. It felt like a soothing balm that episode. And I continued listening and it wasn't, I'm a go-getter. So it wasn't long after that I was like in Anchored.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: So I'm curious about this up-leveling. So tell me about what are the skills and the tools that you were looking for and that you got from Anchored. And then I want to hear all about like this glow up and what this leveling up really looks and feels like.

Carey Cramer: Okay, great. Yeah. I didn't know what the tools were. I just knew I needed them at the time to be, right? I was like, I don't, I clearly don't know. I've tried what feels like everything. And I'll also mention because it's going to come up later for sure that one of the other tools I was really involved with was parts work or internal family systems work. And I, to this day, IFS, I, it is one of my favorite tools of all time. But the tools of Anchored are what made it, it took it to another level for me. 

So I was doing IFS already and having profound movement. What I knew I needed and what I got from Anchored, even if I didn't have the words, was I had never learned how to work with my mind before. That was the thing I had never, ever been taught. I was actually just saying this to a friend recently. I have been in somatic therapy for a long time and it didn't make any sense to me. Like you know me now. You know how incredibly somatically, like somatic is how I, that's like my goal to move things from a somatic place. 

And at that time, I was with a somatic therapist and we would do exercises, but I was like, I don't understand what's supposed to be happening. Like this is cool that I'm feeling a thing in my body, but then what next? What do I do with this? And the therapist didn't, that the particular therapist didn't have any framework to for that and didn't explain it to me and I don't know. So anyway, the somatic stuff felt like kind of a mystery, but I knew that my head was like, my mind is fast. It is constant. It is, my mind and my thoughts, they are overpowering. And that's something else I've known about myself for a long time. I just didn't know. I felt very sensitive to it. Other people would point it out in me and I'd be like, oh, don't be mean about my head, but I knew inside also like, yeah, it's kind of a lot. I don't know what to do. You know, like it was kind of a little bit of both. 

So, from Anchored, I mean, that's like the thing about Anchored is I felt it approaches from the thoughts and from the body. And for me, because I had never been taught how to organize, like think about, like manage, like love on in a really regimented, clear to understand way. That's what I needed first to be able to really, it's kind of shocking. Like I will never forget my first few weeks of Anchored ever because I was in therapy because again, I've been using these other tools all the time trying to work some stuff out. And so I'm in therapy and it might have even been like week two. We're talking early. 

Not much had happened yet, but just some of that early, just being in the environment of Anchored, I went into therapy and I remember thinking, like this thought just came to me, I can tell a new story about what the sensations of my body mean. And I never went back. Suddenly it was like, rather than me just repeating the old patterns, it was, well, what does this mean? Let's go back to not knowing. Oh, is it anxiety? Well, maybe it's excitement. Is it grief? Sure, but how does it feel? Is it stuck or is it going to move? What does it mean? And I just remember having this profound experience of connecting. This is like almost silly to say because I'm not even referencing the specific tools you taught me, but it was literally just being in that space. This happened almost organically, almost without me having to do anything. 

I will never forget that therapy session where I guided the whole session based on just following the somatic, you know, journey of my body. And it moved and I was like, holy shit. Like what just happened? And so, sometimes that was my experience with Anchored over and over was it didn't take much. It didn't take much. And I do attribute that to like probably the decade of work I had been doing beforehand, maybe. But it took only these little glimpses of what was possible, of kindness towards myself, of this framework that made sense for all of this stuff to start moving. I don't want to be more specific. I'm not sure what I just said exactly, but happy to speak to more specific tools if you'd like, and then I can speak to the glow up. Let me know.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: Yeah. The main thing that struck me from what you said is that most people come to Anchored because they've done the talk therapy, and the somatics and the nervous system and the inner child and the parts work are all sort of hazy. And there's this knowing I often hear about, yeah, I'm living from the neck up. Right? It's a theme I talk about a lot. And so it's really fascinating to hear you say, oh, I'm bottom up. I'm in this body. I've been so present, which has been my experience of you. And that what was most, most shifting, most changing, most helpful was the thought work. It's really important to hear. 

And I think it's, I'm really grateful that you're saying it because I think as, you know, I've been doing somatic work and nervous system work as my work for a very long time, or medium long time. But as it's getting popular, there's all this like, we don't need mindset work. But we do. We need it all. Right? And so I'm glad you're highlighting the importance of both. And if you're a person who feels tapped into their body, the metacognition skills that you get in Anchored, the skills of thinking about your thinking can be really life-changing.

Carey Cramer: Oh my gosh, and different tools for different people, right? Like, but I can say for myself and many of the people in my life, approaching it from having that thought work piece is a game-changer to be able to get into the body. It's like almost it's like got to be able to get there. For me, that's how it was. And a lot of my friends who I of course talk about Anchored. I, everyone in my life knows that I do this. It's a big part of my life. 

And so, I know from talking about it with them, that piece also is really resonant. So, but some folks probably the opposite, you know, of course, but anyway, yeah. To this day, still so important, although I do it less and I don't always, I do it so much less than when in Anchored. And I'm a lot more keen to just get right into the body. But also like it's a game-changing tool, the thought work piece.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: All right, well. So tell us about this glow up, this level up.

Carey Cramer: You read my mind.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: I'm excited. Cutie pie.

Carey Cramer: Me too, because literally every chance I get to reflect on how things were and how things are now is an absolute gift. Because now I've leveled up. What a funny - I actually love that term. I'm not going to shy away from it. It's like kind of a video game charm. It's like one of the, it's on, it's one of my like core values. I love to level up. I love to learn. I love knowledge. See, I'm a big like, yeah. So leveling up, but this glow up, it's become my baseline. So it can be easy to, it becomes mundane if I forget or, but these moments where I get to reflect on what it used to be like, so I'm just grateful to get to share that with others and reflect on it with myself always. 

But yeah, so I kind of described what it was like before, and I feel like I described it well enough. A lot of people listening probably understand what that's like. And now, I mean, from the moment I graduated from Anchored, I have not experienced a repeat of what my relationships have been like in the past. That doesn't mean that I haven't gone back to similar places, but they, they haven't had the result in my relationship that they used to. I consider myself now one of my greatest skills and like gifts of Anchored is that I can keep relationships. I can hold on to them for as long as I want. And if I don't want to do it, I can not. But it's not a thing that I have to sever in order to feel okay. And that is like this guiding light for me. 

Whenever I start to get a little dysregulated or feel kind of freaked out or the old story comes up or a thought comes in that makes it seem like that person is scary or they need to be, they need to be ejected from my life. I just, you know, I do the processes, which I could talk more about what that looks like, but and when I get back to that feeling of, oh my God, I didn't destroy this relationship. I got to keep this incredible human in my life. Like I got to go through that process with myself, but not ruin this thing. Like, it's this incredible gift. 

And so for the good folks at home, I'm a queer person. I'm a non-monogamous person. So that's really relevant to me because the tools I have allow me to live my relational life according to my values that I've always dreamed of. I mean, I've considered myself non-monogamous for many years, but haven't really been able to do that, like kind of in name, but not really in practice. And now I have so much capacity to challenge my fears, to challenge stories, to do scary things with people that at the end of the day, like are what I want to be doing. 

For example, like, yeah, feeling like having my relationships rooted in choice rather than obligation. So, for me, because of my upbringing and my history with relationships, non-monogamy is really soothing for me because I get to know, like, well, if you're with me, it's because you want to be. We're not in some like monogamous thing, which of course monogamy doesn't have to be like that, but there's not a dictation of the relationship itself because of the structure. We have to be together and you can't be with anyone. It's so free. Like if I date someone, they're free to date whoever they want. It all is rooted in negotiation, consent, communication, all the things that matter to me. And so, I just, I couldn't have ever done that before. 

And so I've had a partner, I've had actually two different partners for two years since ending Anchored. And very different journeys, but I've also, the person who I was going through that breakup with when I got into Anchored, we are just on great terms. We're very close people in each other's lives. I don't know if I should share. I have like a little thing. I'm like, I'm not sure if I should share about that, because to me it's really profound, but I feel like some of my relationship things are in these kind of niche areas, so I don't know how relatable it would be, but I'm sure it would be relatable. 

Before, the longest I'd ever dated anyone was like a year and seven months, and that was a rocky mess. Like a year is like, I'm in like two years with two different people and there's no end in sight. Like and there's no, I've never felt this secure with other humans, not just my romantic, sexual partners, my, I have a platonic partner, friends mean the world to me. I, all of the relationships in my life, there's so much more longevity because I can like breathe and let them ebb and flow and feel secure with them and with myself. I mean, it's just incredible blessing. Yeah, I could go on and on. So I'm going to pause.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: What I'm hearing in there is two really beautiful things. The first is presence. And the second related is a healing of attachment wounds. Would you say that's true to your experience in Anchored? 

Carey Cramer: Hell yeah.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: Yeah, I've been watching you do it. You know, healing this way of relating to yourself and relating to safety and resourcing, right? And really finding a new grounding and a new safety in your environment, but that is of your own creation and a safety within. And my intuition is telling me that deep work is what has allowed you to show up to these romantic and platonic relationships with this more secure internal relationship, this more secure internal attachment that lets you show up to love and say yes in this new way. Is that, am I getting that right?

Carey Cramer: Undeniably. Yeah, that's a huge part of it.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: And it's also been wonderful and incredible to watch you, not just relate in these positive ways with greater ease, but when things have gotten rocky, I've watched you meet them with this different groundedness. Like my shoulders just went back as I was thinking about it, and I felt my spine sort of settle. Like you show up in a, is it fair to say more whole?

Carey Cramer: That word doesn't like quite resonate with me exactly, but I like I'm inclined to say sure. Like, yeah, more whole. I just, it just doesn't quite, I don't know what that means.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: Why not? Like less, like bringing the whole of you, your whole self into it.

Carey Cramer: Well, my whole self is just more involved in everything I do, you know? I think the reason why that word made me pause a little is because I think of my, like I said, parts work is big, so I do think of myself as like all these parts and when I think about my whole self, I don't know, it's almost like this, it's actually funny you say that because, and I don't know whether you'll, this is super relevant, but it's something I've been really reflecting on lately, like now in my processes, oh, I'm more - I had a thought that really made me cry recently in a really great way, which was when I really honor the needs of my parts, I'm simply honoring the needs of myself because my parts are me. 

And I just started crying because it was like, oh, how much I try to think of my parts as these like separate entities, but it's just me. Even if like I don't always want them driving the bus, like they're still me and I can start to meet their needs with my actual present day reality as a way to integrate and become more whole. So, anyway, that word maybe took my brain on a little journey because that's been up for me recently. 

So yeah, I would suspect that I approach the situations more. I think the thing that I that's coming up for me about how I approach the situations is I just have so much more trust in myself. So much more. And so I trust that I know that I can trust myself to get through it. So even if I'm a little, I need to go to a certain place or I need to like push someone away just in my own mind. Like I just know I'm not going to actually, like it's not going to come out externally like it used to where I'm like I said, I'm going to disrupt the relationship or harm it in a way that can't come back from. So that trust is like huge. And so that's the thing that comes up.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: So is the word maybe not wholeness, but in your integrity?

Carey Cramer: Love that. Yeah, I relate with that word a lot.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: Because integrity and authenticity for me feel like they move together. And that's so much of the Anchored process is stepping into our dignity, the integrity of our body, the integrity, you know, the window of bodily dignity in our nervous system, and then showing up with that authenticity and relationship that lets us stay in who we truly are. And I think you also just and stick our foot in it less, which I heard you saying, like do fewer things that we find regrettable because we are actually present in the moment.

Carey Cramer: Yes. Yes, that tools. I mean, I used to, like the old me would hold on to what I was experiencing alone. And then when I was with that person, almost compulsively have to say it. Like if I had planned it, it had to come out. And now when I'm with the person, whatever's happening there is more important. It's like, well, oh, and like once I'm with them, I'm like, what? Like this is actually pretty simple or it's just easy or like the solution's right here or I don't have to know or you have some, we're doing this together. 

And all that stuff that happens when I'm alone and having this whole pattern play out, it doesn't really matter. And over time, I'm starting to learn that I can remember even when the pattern's wanting to play out, I'm alone, I'm spinning my wheels, like this, this is just me going through a pattern and I'm actually, I can do this, sure. I want to spin my wheels all day, okay. If I don't feel like I can't, okay, that's fine. But when I'm actually with this person is when the meat of this is going to come out and when my wisdom or my truth is going to come out the most as well. 

I don't actually have to do all that much stuff right now other than tend to myself and then trust myself to show up with that person and see what happens, you know? Yeah, my brain just split off into three different thoughts, but I thought it might be nice to just share like some concrete of like what it used to look like and what it looks like now and.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: Yeah, it's super helpful to go from because I think when we don't have secured attachments with self or with others, those ruminating thoughts become the most important thought because we're so fear-driven. Right?

Carey Cramer: Oh my gosh. Yeah. 

Béatriz Victoria Albina: Tell me more because that's resonating.

Carey Cramer: Oh, well, just when those just the feeling of those thoughts, like I can feel it in my body. Those sorts of thoughts when they're up, they convince me that they're the most important thought that could I could ever have and that dealing with whatever they're convincing me is true is the most urgent thing that could exist. And so, and that's what I used to live from was believing that was true. And so, just taking a big deep breath that's that story doesn't have as much of a grip on me anymore.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: Which is huge because it leads to so much freedom. It's really liberating to not, to have love and compassion for our thoughts and our stories and our patterns, but not necessarily believe them. Right? To understand that their factiness is questionable on a good Wednesday, you know? And it again, it comes back to like we can hold ourselves with a lightness. We don't have to be so heavy about everything.

Carey Cramer: Not so heavy, not so urgent. Yeah, like we talk about this in Anchored and in coaching beyond as well. Like something that really stuck with me that you said to me once is like for me, because of my, I think of myself as a typically kind of let's say fast-paced person as just to put it in a little quick and easy box. For me, that slowing down, that rest, that not doing, that doing less, that is my medicine. And there's other folks whose go default is that slow. They have a hard time getting going. They have a hard time maybe finding the energy or they're more living in that slow place in a way that might, they might want that balance of experiencing both. And so their medicine might be the opposite. 

And so, when you said that to me, like, well, it always just supports me because I remember it helps me to remember the personalization of these. For me, that just really helps it feel more accessible. Like it's not one thing for every person. And in Anchored, the tools, like the person, the level of personalization is just part of it. And so I, I just remember that being really big for me and I use it to this day. Like I'll remember, like, this is my medicine. Like, because my brain will want to go, well, this wouldn't be good for someone else. And it's like, doesn't matter. 

But like anything that those thoughts can grab on to sometimes to convince me not to do the thing that would break the pattern, right? And so, it's that just that little bit of specificity and helping me. I've since I was a young person, I remember I need to understand things. Like I have a deep, like I need to understand them in order to believe, do something with it, like act on it. And I can get really stuck there. Like, well, if I don't understand it. 

And so that's something that part of why I think Anchored worked for me so well is like I was saying, like I'd be in therapy and I'm like, but I don't understand. Anchored, everything is explained. It's clear. Like the understanding is so high and that for me personally made it and continues to make it so satisfying and accessible and like effective for me. So, for all the other folks out there who have a high drive to understand things, Anchored's kick ass with that.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: I love that's like your polite way to call people a super nerd. If you have a high need for understanding, aka, if you're nerd tastic like us. Whatever. I would totally ride my bike up to the Rochambeau library to sit and read the encyclopedia. I read my way. I would sit on the floor in the children's library and I read all the way through the entire encyclopedia. We're nerds. 

Carey Cramer: Yeah. That's I gosh, to me nerdiness is just…

Béatriz Victoria Albina: It's a good program for nerds. 

Carey Cramer: Yeah, it's the greatest. You know, I will say Béa too, it's like I'm like, is this true? But I really think it is. I think Anchored really helped me embrace my nerdiness in like a big way. I really do. Now to me, like nerdiness and you, like listening to the way you describe yourself as a nerd so often and what that means is that you are just incredibly driven to understand and be able to explain pretty much anything you specialize in or learn about or engage with. And I'm like, oh, that's what being a nerd is. I'm such a nerd. 

And now I'm like, I have gone on to, I feel like it's really impacted me. This is like maybe a side note, but it's really affected me. Like I'm about to go back to school as you know. I've been taking prerequisites for years. And I show up with this like sense of pride for how I learn and how much I want to learn and the ways I'm going to like, like it's, it really has. That's been a big shift. I haven't like maybe fully said to you or even verbalized to myself, but that kind of originated with you that sense of just really owning that and how you model that. So, here for the super nerds, not trying to shy away from that terminology. Let me tell you what.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: That makes my heart so glad. Right? Like in general, but also in this day and age when there's so much anti-science, anti-learning, anti-knowledge, we got to embrace it. Those of us who want to eat the encyclopedia, we got to embrace it because it really matters. It's also just like this ever greater movement towards our authenticity.

Carey Cramer: Exactly. Nailed it. Yeah, like well it feels good to me. I don't know what to tell you for someone else, but I love it and embracing it has like lit me up in ways that I just, I'm so happy about. 

Béatriz Victoria Albina: People get really nervous about the community aspect, about being vulnerable, about being open, about people watching them get coached. Can you speak to that? Please and thank you.

Carey Cramer: Sure, my pleasure. I'm going to start with like watching get coached. For me, I have had the experience of in a group. Okay, I guess what I'm trying to say is for me, I do know about myself that I love a group session. Like it's not to say that I don't get freaked out about it. Of course not. But I just have found over the years that when I share in front of a group of people, the movement, the grief, grieving, the emotionality is profound. That is where I am, I am always surprised about how potent of a container it is. 

It does require me getting over that hump of like, like I'm so nervous. Like I don't know if you remember, Béa, at the beginning of Anchored because this was me, it's funny that I'm saying I'm someone who knows I love group, whatever, because at the same exact time, I had a part, like a teenager kind of like rebellious part that would come out in any kind of group sharing setting that would make me basically cross my arms and sit in the corner and be like, I'm not going to talk to you. You know, like literally like my whole body would just kind of go to like, almost like I'm too cool for this. I'm not going to do it. Like that was kind of the thing that would come out of me a little bit. 

And I remember like, like in CODA when I first joined there, I did that. I was like, I'm not going to say anything. And so funny to think of me like that now. But at the same exact time, when I would, like say I was in the depths of dysregulation or I was at the depths of like, I am not okay and I so I have to do something, which is often what propelled me to make these, honestly, some of the bold risks that I would take. So I would share in front of a group and I would just be so moved by how much happened, how much relief I felt, how incredible it felt to be held by a group of people and learn that it was safe because I didn't know it was safe first. But then once I did it and people held me so Béautifully, then I did. 

And so in Anchored getting to have that, like, I remember like, especially because Anchored for my experience and my experience of other folks in my cohort is we're joining because we, we're looking to challenge some patterns, right? Pretty much I everyone there is looking to make a change. We're looking to challenge something. And so, I did notice, at least in me, but I think in others as well, that like we're almost like seeing Anchored as this place to let some of this stuff out more. Like, well, okay, well if that part of me would be resistance, I'm going to really embrace that resistance or okay, this part of me, I'm going to really like talk about it and be open about it because we're all trying to bring everything to the table and heal these things. And so, I lost my train of thought a little bit. 

But anyway, back to group coaching. So like in that environment, no, wow, I really don't know what I was trying to say with that. Oh, bummer. Sometimes this happens. Things just go right off the track. Anyway, group coaching for me, I, despite my like desire to almost like lean into the resistance, found myself in such like-minded community of folks on all spectrum of levels of engagement. Like there was other people like me, there were people jumping right in.

And once I saw the variety of like what we all were coming with and the similar shared desire to be a little messy, be a little vulnerable, be a little just really be ourselves like times 10, it made it so easy to just share and trust this group of people. And the result of being safe in that environment was so incredibly worth it. I mean, I remember when I first joined Anchored, I was a little annoyed that it was group coaching, like, oh, not one on one, you know. And I wouldn't trade that for the world now. 

Like that is, I can't imagine getting as much out of it as when you're getting that container feedback from other folks. Like even if it's like their little emojis because I don't know how to it's an energetic thing to have them there witnessing. And then to have them able to, even though people are really mindful, they're not like, they're not like going to try to talk to me about what I shared too much, which I appreciate and is part of the container. But just knowing that they get it, even them just saying like, I feel yeah, it's like it just meant everything. So, yeah. That's what I have on that.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: I think that's really helpful because it can be - I think people get into that story that one on one is somehow better. Like it's deeper and I stopped doing one on ones because I this work of being really seen and vulnerable in community is so potent. I've heard you share this before if I'm not incorrect that hearing other people tell their story has helped you.

Carey Cramer: Absolutely. Starting with you, starting with your podcast. And throughout my whole life, that's been true. When I watch someone else model something I didn't think was possible, it changes my life. And so I now aspire to be that person for other people. And that was of course true throughout Anchored. Other people sharing unlocks things for me. It sometimes it shows me things I couldn't have imagined were possible. Sometimes it just feels amazing to feel connected and oh my God, how is someone else saying an experience that I thought was so complicated and they're just explaining it and it's relating and yeah, absolutely. 

And if I may speak to that one on one thing because versus group thing because I had that like I said that own my own part kind of be like, one on one's better. And I really think that comes from some sense of like, I don't have all the like words up for me right now that are would make this sound a little faster maybe, but it's like we think one on one's better because we're getting more of your attention and that's worth. 

I think there's something that's a little like individualistic about that versus like the value of community, like the value of someone providing a space where you are surrounded by people to do this healing work as opposed to thinking that like private or one on one is like having someone's attention for longer is like better. That's like where my brain's going is there's some way we can put value on that based on like our capitalistic world that we live in that doesn't emphasize as much how incredibly powerful and important it is to heal in community.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: I think you hit it right on. I think that is a really this false valuation is exactly it. And when we give ourselves the space to realize that connecting with everyone in the community makes everything so much more potent, we can really experience it differently. Thank you for bringing that piece in. What'd you go to Oberlin or something?

Carey Cramer: You know it. Oberlin. The listeners must know that Béa and I both went to Oberlin College and it does come up with some regularity. 

Béatriz Victoria Albina: Yeah. I mean, as well it should. Because, I mean, because, you know, 17-year-old us made a choice. Weirdos go to school for life, and we got to honor that.

Carey Cramer: Weirdo school for life. That's right. 100%. I went there because it was so weird.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: It was so weird. I was like, oh, I can be whole me here. Good times.

Carey Cramer: Can you imagine if Anchored was with one on one coaching? Like I'm actually like now that I think about this, I'm like, wait, you would just be alone with the how would the group even know what was going on with you? How would we even be able to? I mean, of course it could work, but in my mind I'm having this moment now being like, wow, I can't that's just kind of rocking my world to think about that and like really the mindset I was in coming from at that time was I want this for me and just about me and my and I wasn't yet so, yeah, I wasn't yet so open to that to the community piece. Oh wow, that's just cool. I haven't really thought about that.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: Yeah. Well, we don't realize like how incredible it is to be so witnessed. And what I watch rock people's world is the chat. Oh yeah. And that while you're getting, yeah, you talk about it.

Carey Cramer: Oh, oh great. Oh my gosh. Well, what you're making me think of now is accessibility and like the different ways people show up into a space and like the different ways people show up in community. And so like I said this a little bit before seeing everyone's different ways they came to the coaching, but like some people get coached like twice over the whole program. And that's like perfect for them. And me, I'm always like, I want to get coached every single time. I should probably not this time because I did the last two times. You know, I'm sort of like, how much can I, how much space do I take up? But not, you don't have to be that way. 

And so the chat, what that made me think of is people can engage through the chat. You can engage in coaching through the chat if that's like the way that makes that you feel able to access it that day. You don't have to be, yeah, it doesn't have to look one way. And then maybe what you were thinking of with the chat is just like that's where so much of the support is coming in. Like that people are sort of like constantly mess like just responding with their sweet residences or that they're relating or like, thank you for saying this, thank you for saying that with their sweet emojis. 

The chat is like this ongoing little reminder that everyone's with you all the time, even when you're, because the thing about coaching is it's community, but you're it's not like we're all in there with you at the same time. You're being coached one on one by you in it's just that everyone's there witnessing you. And so you're getting that individual, it's crucial to have that individual attention and to really go into your thing. But everyone is there like relating. 

You even start them often with an exercise everyone does together or will end with an exercise everyone does together or in the middle of someone's coaching. Well, if anyone else relates, go ahead and do this, follow right along. And I know I do most of the time because I am relating and even if I'm not, why not go through a sweet somatic exercise with the powerful energy of the group together. That's some of the most transformative times I can recall. So yeah, I don't know if that's what you meant by the chat, but that's what came up for me.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: I love it. Well, yeah, and also reminds me. You know, I was talking with a woman yesterday who did Anchored last year and did not come live to one single call. And she was telling me she left her marriage of 35 years, enrolled in grad school, is moving towns. Like she's doing all these things she's wanted to do since the 80s and didn't come to a single live call, but she listened to all of them every single one. Like I went on every dog walk with her the day after coaching. And she allowed it to change her life. And I think it's really vital what you're bringing up that there's no one way to do this. And we don't have to bring perfectionism in the room either.

Carey Cramer: That was one of the things you said on day one, like intro call, intro thing that I can imagine, I'm not going to say all because humans are so beautifully variable and different, but like I think a lot of us in that room were like wildly scribbling that part down. Like, okay, no, don't perfection perfectionist in here. Like you really nailed that one in early and reinforced it early and I know from having relationships with other folks in the cohort that resonated with at least the other folks I'm in communication with, but that was big to set it up early. And again, we're there to change patterns. Like a lot of us know this about ourselves, or at least I can say I knew that about myself coming in. And so just the way you set it up from the get-go really encouraged me to take that to heart really, and I did.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: I'm so glad. I'm so glad because if we show up and do the same old things in Anchored, why bother doing Anchored?

Carey Cramer: Why bother? Why bother? Why bother? Yeah, it's funny.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: I'm curious, what else? If someone's, you know, out there and they're like, listen, I've been listening to this show for five minutes or five years and I would like to change my life. I'm contemplating Anchored. What would you say to that person in their living room?

Carey Cramer: Will you ask me the question again, Béa? 

Béatriz Victoria Albina: Yes. So, I talked to a lot of people who have been listening to the podcast for years and have been wanting to make these changes, wanting to step out of their codependent, perfectionist and people-pleasing habits, wanting to live more fully in their bodies, have the kind of relational shifts you've been talking about. And they're wondering if Anchored is for them. They're wondering if they have a place in Anchored. And I'm wondering given your two and a half years of experience in the Anchored process, what you would say to them.

Carey Cramer: Okay, yeah. Well, first and foremost, and I have, I've actually had this conversation with some people because I have friends in my life, like I said, a lot of people know I do this, they contemplate taking it themselves and I am often inclined to start with like, it's not for everyone. It doesn't have to be. You don't have to do it. Like it's because I'm going to say more, but I often start with like, look, my experience with it was profound and I would recommend it to literally any person. 

But there are reasons why it might not be the right thing for you to do at this time. And I always like, that's the first thing that comes to me because at the end of the day, if you're not choosing to do it, you might not get as much out of it. I don't know. Like it just feels like it being rooted in agency is such an important thing. And I just want to honor that for me, it was so clear that I wanted to do it, but I don't know what it's like to be someone for whom it might not feel clear. 

So I'd want to ask questions too. Like, well, what's, why, what does it seem scary to you? Like what's getting in the way? And then I'd be able to understand better like, because I can imagine the only reason I would say like it might not be for someone is because they're simply not feeling ready or because like there's something going on with them. But the program, I can't imagine a single human on the planet for whom the program doesn't work for. Does that make sense? 

It's not about what the program is only for some people. It's that I don't know what, look, if I was someone who maybe wasn't fully ready, cool, wait, I don't know. Maybe give it a beat. But I guess what I would say is I've actually like thinking of a dear friend of mine who like was contemplating doing it and then decided not to for the moment and it's like, and I'm thinking of them a lot because like on one hand, they like have some ruminating thoughts about like I should have done it and if I had only was doing that, like this or this would be better in my life. 

And on one hand, I'm like, no, baby, because you're actually, you're just fine and you don't need anything to be okay. So whenever you're ready to do it, the tools are there to dramatically change your life. So it's just like it's there for you when you want it. And like if there's any room to practice that agency right away about what when is right for you, great. But whenever you do decide to do it, if you do, it's probably going to be the right thing for you for that reason. 

I also would like look forward to like more people who have resistance being a part of it because Béa will get to learn from you and so the program will get to like grow and become more exciting and accessible for more types of people. Like maybe you have some perspective that's really important. I don't know. That, but I just like love the idea of the community really growing into more types of folks because I can't think of any person who wouldn't benefit from it. 

And that's my experience of like the people in my life who have benefited simply from the way I've changed and shifted. It is benefiting everybody around me and it's not a single friend I know who hasn't been like so excited to hear about what I'm doing in this program, learn from me what I'm doing in this program and yeah. So, yeah, that's what I've got on that.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: That's really lovely to hear. And I'm love that you brought in what I always share at the end of every episode, right? That when one of us heals, we help heal the world. And it's really heartwarming and beautiful to hear that your friends see the changes in you and see the growth and are excited to hear about what you're learning and doing and becoming and it's beautiful, Carey.

Carey Cramer: Undeniably so. Yeah, the change is like palpable, visible and it's been like an incredible honor to get to share what I'm learning with the people I love and watch them change just from that. It's just like so - in the ways they want to or have them like come to me with questions or like there's so much interest and engagement around because they see me and not only because they see me because the way I talk about it, they watch me light up, they watch me, they watch the things I talk and the way I live be in alignment and then there's yeah, so much interest and so many of the people in my life are going through similar things and this work has been even just like through me secondarily, it's been really impacting my entire community. So pretty awesome. So thanks Béa, you know, pretty grateful for Anchored, needless to say.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: I'm really grateful to have you in the community, you know? I say it all the time that the community is exactly what it is because of everyone who's in it. So I'm really grateful that you brought and continue to bring your Carey spark.

Carey Cramer: Me too.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: It's really, yeah, it's beautiful. Carey, what would you say to folks who feel like they don't have time for this work? Like, ah, Anchored is going to take up so much bandwidth and I don't know.

Carey Cramer: Anchored is an engage to the degree you want to program. So, like the example you shared earlier, somebody could listen to the coaching calls and not have to go on the timeline that's prescribed. You can - literally all of the modules are self-paced and it's kind of a get out of it what you put into it sort of situation. That's like so individual. So you can get a lot out of it with just the amount of time you have. 

And I would end with saying that like quote or that like saying comes to mind of like, well, in two years have passed and I could either have done this or not have done it. You know what I mean? So I think that the benefit of doing it even with what time you have is better than not doing it at all. And then staying open to how the program might shift your sense of time and scheduling and how you would engage with it is pretty juicy.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: Super juicy. I like the foreshadowing to the reclaim your time module.

Carey Cramer: Yeah, that's exactly what that was. 

Béatriz Victoria Albina: Right? Y'all, there is a whole module that I used to sell as its own course and have rolled into Anchored on the house that teaches you how to calendar more betterly because none of us know how to look at our calendar and make sense of time until we like stop and pause and actively do it, right? So, I like the foreshadowing. I appreciate it. Can I call you O Henry from now on?

Carey Cramer: Well, that's a reference I don't understand, but you can call me it. 

Béatriz Victoria Albina: That's just like some deep nerd. Don't even worry about it. Gift of the Magi. We'll talk about it later. Anyway. 

Carey Cramer: I’ll look it up. I'll look it up.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: Okay, cool, like a nerd would. Carey, I am super grateful for you, for your time, for your energy, for you showing up here and always. Thank you for being you and bringing all of you to Anchored.

Carey Cramer: Thank you, Béa. My, like I said, my pleasure and I hope this episode has demonstrated, yeah, my gratitude for this program and how much it's impacted me. I'm so stoked that we get to keep working together.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: Isn't it so fun? It never has to end. 

Carey Cramer: So good. Yeah, thank you, Béa.

Béatriz Victoria Albina: Thank you, baby.

—

That was such a phenomenal conversation. Carey is such a delight and it was really magical to hear them talk about just how much the program has helped them and rippled out to really be impactful with their friends and their community. Just so beautiful. So my loves, thank you for listening. I hope you enjoyed that conversation as much as I did. And I hope you'll join us in the next Anchored community starting up so soon. It would be absolutely thrilling to have you with us. 

So, let's do what we do. Gentle hand on your heart, should you feel so moved and remember, you are safe, you are held, you are loved. And when one of us heals, we help heal the world. Be well, my beauty. Mwah. Ciao, ciao. Talk to you soon.

Thank you for listening to this episode of Feminist Wellness. If you want to learn more all about somatics, what the heck that word means, and why it matters for your life, head on over to BéatrizAlbina.com/somaticswebinar for a free webinar all about it. Have a beautiful day, my darling, and I'll see you next week. Ciao.