Ep #331: The Real Reasons You’re Not Joining (And Why They’re Exactly Why You Should)

This is Feminist Wellness, and I’m your host, Nurse Practitioner, Functional Medicine expert, and life coach Béa Victoria Albina. I’ll show you how to get unstuck, drop the anxiety, perfectionism, and codependency so you can live from your beautiful heart. Welcome, my love, let’s get started.

Hello, hello, my love. I hope this finds you doing so well. So, I need to have like a real talk conversation with you all today. I've been doing this work for years and years and years, over, well over a decade now, and I keep seeing the same things happen over and over again. The people who need Anchored, who need coaching with me, who need community support, somatics, nervous system regulation, transformation to overcome codependent perfectionist and people-pleasing habits, the folks who would absolutely transform their lives in this program, are so often the ones talking themselves out of joining.

I've been seeing it. We have a new group starting in just a few weeks and so I've been on calls with folks and I'm just seeing it over and over and over again. And here's what really breaks my heart and is the reason I'm talking to you about this today. These folks are not staying away because the program isn't right for them. They're staying away because of the exact same patterns that are keeping them stuck in emotional outsourcing in the first place, and that's the part that absolutely breaks my heart.

So today, I want to name the real barriers. I want to get specific about what might actually be happening in your mind, in your heart, in your body somatically, with all your parts when you see the possibility of joining a program like Anchored, where you're going to get my dedicated attention, love, and care for six whole months. So when you feel that flutter of, "Oh my God, this is exactly what I need," and then your brain starts immediately building a case for why you can't or shouldn't join, this is what I want to talk about. Because here's the truth: those barriers, they're not actually protecting you. Right? It might feel like they are. They might tell you they are. But really, they're costing you everything because they're keeping you trapped in a life you already know you don't want to live because you're listening to this show and you're even looking at a program like Anchored.

So let me start with the big one: the fear of being seen as a burden. You're looking at this group program and you're thinking, what if I am way too much? What if my problems are too heavy? What if I take up way too much space and everyone else, everyone hates me and then regrets that I'm there? And they like talking about me behind my back. They wish I wasn't in the program… Okay. I hear you.

Honestly, I'm a huge Leo and I've been made to feel like a burden for most of my life. So I see you. I see how you've spent your life making yourself smaller, easier, more digestible for others to protect your tender-oni heart. I get why. I see how you've learned to present only the polished version of your struggles, like the one that comes with solutions attached, the ones that don't require too much from anyone else, the ones that don't make you actually for reals vulnerable. I see you. I did it too.

But can we talk about what this is actually costing you? Because when you spend your life worried about being a burden, you can actually never actually get to receive the support you actually desperately actually need. You're running on empty, giving from a completely depleted well, pouring it to everyone else's bucket and then you're wondering why you feel so resentful and exhausted all the time.

My beauty, ears up when I say, you are not a burden. Your struggles are not too much. Your pain, your suffering, what you've been through, it's not too heavy. Because in Anchored, we don't just tolerate your whole story, we welcome it. We ask for it, we want it. We say what else? We say tell me more. Because here's what I know that you might not know or believe yet. Your healing, my healing, our healing happens in community. Your breakthrough, the one that changes everything happens when you finally stop performing and start showing up as you actually are. Stop tap dancing for your lovability and actually say, here I am in all my suffering, and you get to be loved for being you, not for hiding you away.

Then there's this one that really gets me: the fear that if you join, you'll immediately fall into your old roles, your old pattern of over-functioning, overgiving, organizing everything. You're thinking, forget about it. I'll join this group and then I'll feel responsible for everyone else's progress. I'll be the one checking in on everyone, coaching everyone, supporting everyone, making sure everyone feels included, probably even trying to help facilitate the group without being asked.

And you know what? You might be right at first, because that's how deep these patterns run. Of course you're going to want to do that. But here's the thing. In Anchored, we see this pattern coming from a couple hundred majillion miles away. We know that your over-functioning is a trauma response. It looks like generosity, it looks like kindness, but it's your nervous system trying to stay safe by controlling how others feel about you by overgiving at a cost to yourself. Because the cost of this pattern, honey, the cost is astronomical. You're exhausted because you're responsible for everyone else's emotional experience. You're resentful because your needs, they never get met. You're lonely because nobody actually knows the real you. They only know the version of you that exists to make their life easier.

In Anchored, we have rules about this. We don't just let you over-function and call it helping. Oh, no, no. I am the coach here. Sometimes I bring in guests, bonus calls, special coaches. The person in the coaching seat is coaching. Not you. You have no job organizing here. You take no responsibility for anyone else's success or suffering. No, no. You get to own your life. We lovingly interrupt these old patterns. We teach you how to contribute to the group without losing yourself in it. We show you what it feels like to be valued for who you are, not just what you do.

And then there's the judgment piece. So you're imagining walking into this group and everyone immediately sizing you up, deciding whether your problems are legitimate, whether you're working hard enough, whether you deserve to be there. That fear of judgment, it's not actually about us. It's about the voice in your head that's been judging you your entire life. It may be the voice of a parent, a sibling, a caregiver, a teacher, someone who taught you that judging you is the best choice. It's the internalized criticism that tells you're not doing enough, not healing fast enough, not grateful enough, not strong enough. How dare you be suffering when your life is so good. Yuck, right?

My beauty, the cost of living under this constant fear of judgment is that you never truly get to be known. You're always performing, always wondering if you're doing it right. You're exhausted from the performance and you're lonely because nobody actually sees you. In Anchored, we create a space where that internal judge gets to take a backseat, where you get to discover what it feels like to be witnessed without being evaluated. Where your worth isn't determined by your progress or your gratitude or your ability to stay positive.

Now, let's talk about the imposter syndrome that's maybe but also probably likely running through your mind right now. Maybe you're thinking, what if I join and everyone realizes I don't actually have it together? What if they see that I'm struggling just as much as everyone else? Yeah, okay. So my beautiful, tender, tender, tender little buttercup, this is the cost of perfectionism. You've built your entire identity around being the one who has it figured out, the one who doesn't need help, the one who can handle anything. And my beauty, from personal experience and having coached hundreds of women through Anchored, let me tell you, it's killing you.

Because here's what perfectionism actually costs you. It costs you support. It costs you the relief of being seen and loved and cared for in your true, gritty, messy humanity. It costs you the joy of being loved not despite your struggles, but including them. In Anchored, we do not expect you to have it together. Come on. We expect you to be human. We expect you to be learning, growing, sometimes failing, always trying. Your struggles don't disqualify you from being here. They're exactly why you belong here.

This one is so insidious because it sounds so noble. "I don't deserve help until I've helped everyone else first," or, "Other people have it worse," or, "I should just be grateful for what I have." And notice the just in that last sentence. Can we pause and acknowledge how absolutely devastating this set of beliefs is? You've made yourself the last person on your own priority list. You've decided that your needs matter less than everyone else's. You've convinced yourself that your pain isn't valid unless it's the worst pain in the room. You, my love, have gotten a gold medal in the Suffering Olympics.

And the cost of this? Well, you never get help. You never get support. You never get to experience what it feels like to be cared for because you are the strong one. You're constantly giving from an empty cup and then wondering why you feel so resentful, so depleted, so sad, alone, and lonely. So in Anchored, we don't rank pain. We don't have a hierarchy of who deserves help more. We start with the radical premise that you matter. Your needs matter, your healing matters, not because you've earned it, because that's not real, but because you exist.

Next up is the question, what if I'm too much? What if my emotions are too big? What if my story is too complicated? My love, if you've spent your whole life making yourself smaller, of course it makes sense that now you'd be terrified that if you show up fully, you'll be overwhelming. Here's what this fear of being seen is actually costing you. You're living half a life. You're only sharing the parts of yourself that you believe are easy to digest. You're only expressing the emotions that are comfortable for others. You're only telling the parts of your story that come with neat little bows, and the result, you're lonely, you're misunderstood, you're exhausted from the constant self-editing, you're resentful because you've always accommodated everyone else's comfort at the expense of your own authenticity.

In Anchored, we don't just tolerate your bigness, we celebrate it. We want your full emotion. We want your complicated story. We want you to take up space because you deserve to take up space. This is a really painful one and perhaps the most painful of all for me personally. So maybe you've built your entire identity around being strong, being the helper, being the one everyone else leans on. The thought of admitting you need help, it feels like a complete identity crisis.

But can we talk about what this strength is actually costing you? It's costing you authenticity, intimacy, the relief of being supported, the joy of being interdependent instead of isolated. Oh, my tender one, real strength isn't never needing help. Real strength is knowing when to ask for it. Real strength is being vulnerable enough to grow, is choosing your healing over your image. In Anchored, we redefine strength. We show you that vulnerability is not weakness. It's the birthplace of connection, healing, and authentic power.

Perhaps you're worried that you won't progress fast enough, that you'll be the one who holds everyone back, that you'll disappoint us with your pace of growth. Here's what this fear, which, let me tell you, is fully unfounded. But here's what it's costing you. It's keeping you stuck in the same achievement-oriented, performance-based mindset that got you into emotional outsourcing in the first place. My sweet one, you're still trying to earn your worth through your performance, even in your healing. In Anchored, we don't measure success by speed. We measure it by courage. We measure it by showing up. We measure it by choosing growth over comfort, connection over isolation, authenticity over performance. Tender one, your pace is your pace. Your journey is your journey. And I, we, we're not here to judge it. We're here to witness it and support it. And honestly, a huge part of this work is letting go of what people think of you anyway. Why not join and start to heal that specific wound?

Now, the belief that you need to fix yourself first. This is the most paradoxical one of all. You think you need to overcome your issues before you can join a program designed to help you overcome those very issues. It's like saying you need to be clean before you can take a shower. It's like saying you need to know how to swim before you can take swimming lessons. The cost of this belief, you stay stuck. You keep trying to heal in isolation, using the same strategies that haven't worked for years. You keep thinking that if you just try harder, read more books, do more therapy, you'll eventually be ready for support. But here's the truth. You don't heal in isolation. None of us do. You heal in relationship, you heal in community. You heal by being witnessed, supported, and lovingly challenged by people who see your worth even when you can't see it yourself.

And then, finally, there's this fear that might be the most honest one of all. What if I join and then I don't follow through? What if I start strong and then life gets lifey? What if I waste my money and everyone's time because I'm just not disciplined enough to see it through? Oh, I hear this one all the time. This fear feels so rational, doesn't it? Like so responsible. Look at you being a grown-up. You're being realistic about your track record. You're just protecting yourself from another disappointment, another thing you started but didn't finish, another reason to beat yourself up and be a meanie pants.

But let's talk about what this fear is actually revealing. You've been trying to heal in isolation for so long that you don't remember what it feels like to have people actually invested in your success. You've been white-knuckling your way through self-improvement, relying on willpower and discipline. And when those inevitably and invariably run out, you blame yourself for not being strong enough. Here's what this pattern is costing you. You never start anything that could actually change your life because you're so afraid of not finishing it perfectly. You stay stuck in the safe zone of dissatisfaction rather than risk the vulnerability of growth. You rob yourself of progress because you are terrified of imperfect progress.

But here's what you don't know about Anchored yet. You're not doing this alone. This isn't another course you have to muster up motivation for. We've built accountability into the very structure of this program because we know that isolation is where your patterns thrive. When you start to pull back, when life gets complicated, when your old habits start calling you back, that's not when we abandon you. That's when we show up even stronger. That's when we text you, we call you, we DM you, we email you. Hell, I'll fax you. But I'm not going to let you just wander out of the program. Oh, no. I'm here to hold your hand. And you have a whole group of people who are invested in your growth, who notice when you're struggling, who reach out when you're quiet. You have facilitators who understand that healing isn't linear, that progress isn't perfect, that showing up is more important than showing up perfectly.

The truth is, you've never failed at finishing something. You've failed at trying to do everything alone. And in Anchored, you're not alone. You're held, you're supported, you're loved, you're accountable, not just to yourself, but to a community that genuinely wants to see you succeed. Your fear of not finishing isn't protecting you from failure. It's guaranteeing that you'll never experience what it feels like to be truly supported through a transformation. It's keeping you stuck in the same painful cycles of starting and stopping, trying and failing, hoping and giving up. In Anchored, we do not expect perfection. We expect participation. We don't measure success by never stumbling. We measure it by getting back up, by reaching out when you need support, by letting the group catch you when you're falling.

So instead of asking, "What if I don't finish?" you asked, "What if I finally had the support I needed to see something through?" What if this time was different, not because you suddenly became more disciplined? That's silly. But because you finally weren't doing it alone.

So my beauty, here's what I need you to understand. Every single barrier I just described, it's exactly why you need group work. It's exactly why you need Anchored. Because these patterns don't just live in your head, they live in your relationships. They show up in how you connect with others, how you ask for help, how you exist at work, how you parent, how you're someone's child, how you receive support, how you're a partner, how you show up in community, how you date, how you relate. And you cannot heal relational trauma in isolation. You can't learn new ways of being in relationship without being in relationship. You can't practice receiving support without being in community with people who are actually offering it.

In Anchored, these patterns don't just get talked about. They get lived out in real time. And when they show up, we don't shame or blame you for them. We don't tell you're defective or broken. We celebrate them. Because now we have something to work with. Now we can practice something different. Anchored is not just another program about emotional outsourcing, about codependency, about mindset work, about embodiment, about somatic. It's a six-month experience of learning how to be in relationship with yourself and others without losing yourself in the process. It's learning how to give without depleting yourself, how to receive without feeling guilty, how to show up without performing, how to be loved without earning it. It's discovering what it feels like to be seen, really seen for who you are, not just what you do. It's experiencing what it's like to be supported without having to give anything back. It's learning what it means to take up space without apologizing for it.

It's six months of practicing new ways of being with people who are practicing right alongside you. It's six months of being lovingly challenged to choose your authentic self over your adaptive self, your false self. It's six months of discovering that you are worthy of love, support, and belonging, care and kindness, compassion exactly as you are. So, before you talk yourself out of this again, I want you to really consider the cost of staying where you are. What is it costing you to keep living in these patterns? What is it costing you to keep giving from an empty cup? What is it costing you to keep making yourself smaller? What is it costing you to keep your needs last on your priority list? What is it costing your relationships, your energy, your joy, your sense of self, your dreams? What is it costing the people you love? Because when you're operating from emotional outsourcing, you're not actually showing up for them either. You're showing up for who you think they need you to be. You're showing up from depletion, resentment, and fear, not the true love in your heart.

So here's my invitation to you. What if those barriers aren't signs that you don't belong in Anchored? What if they're signs that you absolutely do? What if the fact that you're worried about being a burden is exactly why you need to learn how to receive love and support? What if the fact that you're afraid of over-functioning is exactly why you need to practice healthy boundaries in a safe space? What if the fact that you're terrified of judgment is exactly why you need to experience what it feels like to be unconditionally accepted? What if you're worried that you're start and you will not finish is exactly why you need to come to Anchored to feel held and loved every step of the way by your accountability buddies and me?

Your barriers aren't disqualifying. They're qualifying. They're pointing to exactly what you need to hear. Anchored starts soon and I want you there. Not the perfect version of you, not the version that's already healed, but you, right now, you, with all your fears and patterns and protective strategies, you. Because that's who we're designed to serve. That's who we are waiting for in Anchored. That's who belongs in this community. You. The question isn't whether you're ready. The question is whether you're willing, willing to be seen, willing to be supported, willing to practice something different.

My darling angel, your healing is waiting for you. Your community is waiting for you. Your authentic self is waiting for you. The only question is, are you ready to stop waiting and start living? If yes, you know what to do. Come, join us. Come home to yourself. Come discover what it feels like to be anchored in your own worth instead of constantly seeking it in others. We're here, we're ready, and we're waiting for you. You can join us at BeatrizAlbina.com/getanchored. Let's do what we do. Gentle hand on your heart should you feel so moved. And remember, you are safe. You are held. You are loved. And when one of us heals, we help heal the world. Be well, my beauty. I'll talk to you soon. Ciao, ciao.

Thank you for listening to this episode of Feminist Wellness. If you want to learn more all about somatics, what the heck that word means, and why it matters for your life, head on over to BeatrizAlbina.com/somaticswebinar for a free webinar all about it. Have a beautiful day, my darling, and I'll see you next week. Ciao.