Ep #313: Essential Relationship Tools for Stronger Connections with Billey Albina

This is Feminist Wellness, and I’m your host, Nurse Practitioner, Functional Medicine expert, and life coach Béa Beatriz Victoria Albina. I’ll show you how to get unstuck, drop the anxiety, perfectionism, and codependency so you can live from your beautiful heart. Welcome, my love, let’s get started. 

Béa Albina: Hello, hello, my love. I hope this finds you doing so well. Guess what? We have a special guest today. 

Billey: Hi, everyone. 

Béa Albina: It's Billey! Yay! Billie's back!

Billey: So happy to be here.

Béa Albina: Yay. So I realized that this was coming out effectively for Valentine's, on Galentine's. 

Billey: That’s right. 

Béa Albina: Which is the most important day of the year. Please celebrate your friends. It's super important. Platonic love is an incredibly important kind of love and we need us more than ever, right? We need community, we need collective care, we need to support one another, and our friendships deeply matter. Deeply, deeply. And Billey's such a cutie. We don't really do Valentine's, but maybe our new tradition is to do a show. 

Billey: I think so. 

Béa Albina: I think that's really sweet and cute.

Billey: Yeah, we don't really do Valentine's Day. We kind of just – It's like sprinkled in throughout the whole year, right? Every day is Valentine's Day with you.

Béa Albina: Oh my god. You're such a cheese ball and I love it. I love it.

Billey: But yeah, I love the idea of recording an episode every Valentine's Day.

Béa Albina: Okay, it's our new tradition. It's our new tradition. I have an announcement before we get started. Drum roll please. Oh my god, we're such dorks. I'm gonna be going by my first name, which is Beatriz. Like Beatrice, but in Spanish. You can call me Béa for short. I've been going by Beatriz Victoria, which is my middle name, and I've never liked it for me.

If you're out there and you're like, but that's my name, I love it for you. But it's just – it's never felt right. And so now I'm doing what feels right, which is pretty cool. So that's very exciting.

Billey: It's very exciting, Béa.

Béa Albina: Yeah. Oh, you cutie. Oh my gosh. And like we got an official publication date for my book. 

Billey: So exciting.

Béa Albina: It's so exciting. So September 30th, 2025, These things, it may change. That's how publishing works. But right now, today, September 30th, 2025. So there will be pomp, there will be circumstance, there will be, I don't know, events and readings and pre-order things.

So keep your eyes and your ears out for that. It's all very exciting. The book is called, shock or alert to anyone who's been around, End Emotional Outsourcing, An Intersectional Feminist Guide to Overcoming Codependent, Perfectionist, and People-Pleasing Habits, and is being published by Hachette in New York at their Balance imprint, and I'm just so excited.

Billey: The cover looks spectacular.

Béa Albina: Oh my god, it's so great.

Billey: It's so good.

Béa Albina: It's so good.

Billey: We spent a lot of time like this, this one, this one, this one. 

Béa Albina: Oh my gosh, right, for like hours.

Billey: Yeah, it was so much fun though.

Béa Albina: It was lot of fun. So I'm excited. I can't wait. Yay! 

Billey: So what do you want to talk about today?

Béa Albina: So I want to talk about – okay, so here on the show, we talk about a couple of things that I find really helpful and I know from y'all telling me are very helpful and folks in Anchored tell me this is helpful all the time, which is the concept of of course they did. So we can waste an awful lot of time in “surprise,” and I'm putting it in air quotes because it's not surprise, when someone does what we know they always do, right? Ugh, I can't believe she was rude to me. I can't believe he rattled on at me on the phone for half an hour and didn't ask how I was doing. I can't believe whatever. But yeah, you can believe. You knew, right? 

Billey: Of course they would. 

Béa Albina: Of course they would. Of course they did. Of course. And so it's a kitten step into acceptance is really – it's an acceptance practice, which like – spoiler alert – I bet like 90% of what I teach is acceptance practice. So, it's an acceptance practice. Of course they did that. That's what they've always done.

Billey: And it's such a helpful practice. It really just helps reframe things. You know, you don't have surprises anymore. You don't get all worked up. You're just sort of like, of course they did. That's just how they are. 

Béa Albina: Of course they did. Can I share about you and the finding things?

Billey: Yes. 

Béa Albina: Okay, great. Thank you for that consent. One of my favourite applications of this is with this cutie who sometimes gets what in the literature is known as… 

Billey: Butch blindness?

Béa Albina: That's correct. Which means she can't find stuff that's right in front of her.

Billey: I can't help it.

Béa Albina: You can't, yahoo, yah, you do what you do. You can't find a goddamn thing sometimes. But I could get annoyed. I could get irritated. I could make you feel bad. But I don't want that kind of energy in my life.

Like, what is the point? It's not going to change whether she can see the thing or not. It's just going to make her feel bad, make me feel bad, create tension and friction in our relationship, and our relationship is so magical, why would I want to bring that vibe in? Like for nothing, right? I'll also add we are in a relationship where I know that she's working on it.

Billey: You're right. 

Béa Albina: Right? So I think that's also really important. I know she's working on it. I know she's being thoughtful about it. I know she's pausing before she just goes like…

Billey: Where's the milk?

Béa Albina: Exactly, right? 

Billey: And it's right in front of me. Right. No, I look, I use my eyes now. I scan the refrigerator, you know.

Béa Albina: And I love that. I appreciate that so much. But I think that context is important because we've both been in relationships where that process wouldn't have been respected. There wouldn't have been the energy. Like in Argentine, we'd say, ponete las pilas, put on your batteries. Other people weren't putting their batteries on because our time wasn't as respected. Is that a diplomatic way to put it? 

Billey: Yeah, that's a diplomatic way of putting it.

Béa Albina: That was good. That was good. But anyway, so within that context, I think it's important because people can apply these coaching tools to relationships where like, maybe not, right? But within a loving relationship where everyone's actually trying, of course she didn't see it. Of course she couldn't find it. And the thought that I choose is, oh, my little cutie. That's the thought. Oh, my little cutie. Oh, my sweet little cutie. She couldn't find it. Little sweetie.

Billey: So after looking for a while, if I don't find it, then I'll ask where it is.

Béa Albina: Right. And then I'll go downstairs and I'll just be like, oh, it's literally right there.

Billey: It's right, it's next to where I was maybe looking or I just really couldn't see it. The butch blindness is real. It's real.

Béa Albina: It's real.

Billey: I hope there are some butches out there listening and can identify and feel so seen in this butch blindness.

Béa Albina: Drop us an email, podcast@victoriaalbina.com. Let us know. Tell us about your experience on either side of butch blindness. But yeah, so of course she did. And it can bring this tenderness, this love, this care, a little laughter and sweetness.

And most of all, I don't get agita, right? I stay chill. My nervous system stays actually in ventral vagal, in a lot of social engagement and social connection because it's just like, I'm a little cutie. It becomes silly and sweet. 

Billey: Yeah, and caring.

Béa Albina: Right. Whereas in emotional outsourcing, everything feels like the gravitas is so intense that it takes us out of our capacity to roll with things because we're making everything mean so much, right? 

Billey: Yeah. 

Béa Albina: Right. So, of course they did. Then I came up with, of course I did. Because I have ADHD, which means… I don't even know why she's laughing, but it's pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. 

Billey: Why is this random plate left right here? Why is the water running?

Béa Albina: Of course I did. Of course I did. Which allows me to not be so harsh with myself and allows me to bring in so much kindness and gentleness. It started actually around proprioceptive issues. So proprioception is the knowing of where the body is in time and space. And I doesn't do it so goodly sometimes.

Billey: No, she doesn't. You hit your head quite a bit.

Béa Albina: Yeah. And since doing all this nervous system work and regulation work, slowing down, being more in touch with my body. I bump into things a lot less.

Billey: It's true.

Béa Albina: It’s true. But so, of course I did. There's no need to be mean to me, unkind to me, right? And so, we were then thinking about the things that make this relationship so wonderful and amazing and flow and we don't fight. There's not…

Billey: It's not that friction, that tension. It's very easy. Easy. And that's not to say that we don't get into arguments or we don't have disagreement.

Béa Albina: Those are pretty rare. It's pretty rare. But, sure, hypothetically.

Billey: You like your steak rarer than I do. That's true. That's true. I also like cardio less than you do.

Béa Albina: I like all the cardio. I have a treadmill under my desk.

Billey: Oh, she just got this treadmill. Very excited.

Béa Albina: And I will walk for like hours. I just love it.

Billey: I finally found a cardio that I do like.

Béa Albina: Which is CrossFit. Yes. Which is like, is it cardio?

Billey: I like it. My heart rate gets up. It's a cardio that I can really get behind. 

Béa Albina: Yeah, yeah.

Billey: It's the big weights. I like the big weights.

Béa Albina: You like the Olympic lifting, which is very sexy. So anyway, before we fully digress, we were thinking of what are the tips and tools and things we can share with y'all in this vein of, of course they did, of course I did, we realized we do. Of course I would. Of course I would.

Billey: Of course I would. Yeah. With of course I would, it's the idea that I know you so well and I know your trips, your triggers. I don't really like that word trigger. I don't really, for lack of a better word, your trips, your triggers, your phobias, your fears, the things that activate you, right?

I know them. And so, as a loving partner, I can either avoid them, right? Or I can protect you from them a little bit without being codependent or trying to neutrinize you in that way. But I can sort of hold your energy and hold your space and really respect you because of course I would.

Béa Albina: Right. And I think what you were saying, it's really important within the context of you know I can take care of myself. That's the crux of our interdependence is that we are these autonomous animals. I trust you that you're good. No one can completely take care of themselves, right? We are interdependent, that's the whole point. But you can handle Billey. And I can handle me. And If there is an eight-legged in the house –

Billey: Oh, shh, shh, no. We don't talk about them.

Béa Albina: We don't need to name them. I've been doing way better.

Billey: You have been doing so well, but I also introduced you to the eight-leggeds that wear a monocle and a top hat, and they jump. They're very cute. They're very, very cute. Sometimes you just spin it a little bit, and you just make it cute, and then it's okay.

Béa Albina: It's helpful. Yeah.

Billey: They have a little cane and a top hat.

Béa Albina: Like Mr. Peanut. 

Billey: Yeah, like Mr. Peanut. Then I just put it under a little cup, and I just slide a little piece of paper under it, and I say, "Hey, Béa, there's no one here. I'm just gonna take this little friend outside." And I just take it outside. Because I know that you don't need to know about it. I know that you don't like–

Béa Albina: I don't need to know. I'm working on it. I love all my relations, but I just get a little squirmy. 

Billey: It’s a challenge.

Béa Albina: It's a challenge. And I can give a shout out to my friend Cubby Bear. Thank you. That person helped me so much at summer camp. It would take me to see the orb weavers way out in the forest because their web is stunning. And that really helped. So the fib they told me was that they were all women. And they were all my sisters. And I couldn't possibly be scared of them. And it worked. So Cubby Bear, I love you.

Anyway, right. So it's like, you know, I'm a grown woman in the world. I've spent most of the decade of my 20s working in the global south. I've dealt with many an eight-legged. I've also dealt with in Mali, in the latrines, There were hissing cockroaches that were like the size of your palm. And you would be on an overnight shift at the clinic and go in there and open with your flashlight and you just hear hiss, hiss, hiss. It was not cute. It was not my favorite, but I dealt with it. So I think the point is to say, of course I can handle myself.

Billey: Yeah. I mean, the eight-leggeds is a great example of a phobia, but what about the emotional stuff? I mean, those are the kinds of things that I know as your loving partner, I know what trips you off, what triggers you. And you know, it's not something that I ever mean to, but it's I can as your loving partner know to be sensitive and be mindful of it and not trying to avoid it. No, But just be mindful and be respectful because I love you, and I want to care for you.

Béa Albina: I mean, I think it's about – yes, and the thing I'm thinking about in there that feels really different in this relationship is this capacity. And I think it's maybe because we both meditate. I think there's something in there and practice being our own witness and watcher of witnessing the other and ourself at the same time. 

Billey: I’m not avoiding your trips and triggers, but I'm being mindful of them and being aware and staying present because I care for you. And I want to be aware of what activates you.

Béa Albina: So I think for me, it's really the difference so many of us in emotional outsourcing we bite our tongues and we shrink back and we get dorsal and we like don't say the thing. Right? Because there's that conflict avoidant, because other people's emotional state is our responsibility, and if they're upset, it means something bad about me. Right? I am a problem. I messed up. I'm responsible if you're upset, so I'm just not gonna tell you. I'm not gonna bring it up. I'm not gonna go there.

Billey: Right.

Béa Albina: And I think what feels really different for us is that there's none of that murkiness, because we're not making each other's emotions our responsibility. If you're upset, you're upset, and I'm gonna love you and hold space for you and care for you, but I'm not gonna try to solve it. 

Billey: Right, right. 

Béa Albina: And I don't feel like you try to do that to me or for me either. 

Billey: No.

Béa Albina: Yeah, so that for me gives me so much more spaciousness to just like be really tender and know what's kind and what's not. And I think for the, yeah, I really feel like we both are just really thoughtful of being kind and just saying, always choosing the gentlest word. And we're both, we're tough broads, right? Like it's not that we like can't handle, it is also the New Yorker part of us, right? Like I want the direct, honest, compelling truth. You know? But also kindness at the same time.

Billey: Yeah, yeah. And I think what's so wonderful we also have is if we do mess up, we have a whole tool that we use that we want to introduce to you all. 

Béa Albina: Do-overs. 

Billey: Do-overs.

Béa Albina: It's the best. It's such a great tool. Will you tell them all about do-overs? 

Billey: So do-overs are for those instances where maybe you stuck your foot in your mouth, maybe you couldn't find the milk for the third time in the fridge, or you – just an oopsie, or it's just something, and your partner's annoyed or gets a little activated, but it's not what you meant to do. It's not like, oh, I didn't mean to say it that way. Can I have a do-over?

Béa Albina: Right. My favorite is because we're both so dedicated to being really thoughtful and choosing the kind word, not in a self-policing kind of way, but in a self-awareness, consciousness, presence way, we will often ask for do-overs and the other one hasn't, isn't annoyed, isn't irritated, isn't upset, didn't even hear.  So it'll go like this. Well, I mean, I didn't whatever. 

Billey: Okay.

Béa Albina: Oh, Bill, hold on. I just heard myself and I don't really like the tone I used when I said that. Can I have a do-over? 

Billey: Absolutely.

Béa Albina: Right. And she maybe didn’t hear…

Billey: I didn’t hear a thing.

Béa Albina: Right, nothing was like wrong. Nothing. 

Billey: I’m in my own world.

Béa Albina: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Billey: But you're in your own world. You've got something going on and for whatever reason it came out in a way that that wasn't how you meant that. And you heard yourself and you had the awareness and that watcher observed it and you were able to kind of consciously come back. And with our emotional generosity and the love that we share, you were able to say, hey, can I have a do-over? And because I know exactly what that means, Yes. Give me a do-over.

Béa Albina: So, what does a do-over mean?

Billey: A do-over is an opportunity to rephrase or redo an action or something that you said in effort to actually say what you mean to say and the way you mean to say it with your partner.

Béa Albina: Right. And I'd say, I mean, of course it's for the partnership and it's for your partner, but for me, it's for me, right? It's for me to know that I am showing up the way I most want to. I'm being the partner and the person that I most want to be, which is always kind, always loving, always thoughtful, always generous.

Billey: It’s so easy to get caught up in just like the hustle of everyday life and what's whatever's happening in the background. It's just so easy to get swept away in those stories and to not come back to presence and to just blurt out something. And so, that's where we have this tool and it's so useful.

Béa Albina: It's so useful. And I think you know what it does? I talk, I feel like I coach at least 47 million times a week in Anchored all about resentment and how easily resentment builds and how much like those little cuts of like mistakes of like, there she goes being like harsh with me again, there she goes doing that again. And so it like is this additive, like wounding.

Billey: And how many relationships are sort of, you know, death by a million cut little cuts, little wounds because they just build up. 

Béa Albina: And they fester. And they’ve… 

Billey: Ooh, they fester. 

Béa Albina: Such a gross word. It's just the word itself. Like it's like green and bubbly. Okay, we can move on. Palette cleanser. Bunnies exist. Oh, bunnies. Palette cleansers. That's another great tool. So, just lightening the mood. 

Billey: Yeah, videos of bunnies, that's always nice.

Béa Albina: Yeah, but back to, like, death by a thousand cuts, I think it really is such an important thing to realize that so much, so many of the times we blow up on a Wednesday morning, it's something that happened two Thursdays before that never got addressed. That like got swept under the carpet because we learned growing up to avoid conflict, it was dangerous, really bad idea. So things don't get addressed, they don't get managed, it just becomes another piece of ouch, and ouch builds up.

Billey: Yeah, builds up that resentment bruise, and before you know it, boom!

Béa Albina: Right. And then we can enter the self-abandonment cycle, which I'll link to in the show notes. I have a three, four-part series about the self-abandonment cycle because, wow, do we do that. And just like the quickie on that is we overdo for others, we overfunction for others because we're trying to earn safety, belonging, worth, love, care, instead of believing we're worthy of it all because we are.

Billey: We are.

Béa Albina: Cutie. So gay. And then we overdo for others, we get frustrated, they don't recognize it, We're not getting what we want to be getting from putting ourselves out over and over and over again. Then we get PO'd. It builds up. We explode. Something might get thrown. Mean words might get said. There's no do-over. Right?

Because a do-over is the antidote to the self-abandonment explosion. Because if you can just notice – well, so anyway, so then self-abandonment, you explode, and then you feel so guilty for having exploded that you self-abandon all the more and you over-function more. 

Meanwhile, because we can also do a do-over for like, hey, I said I was going to do these 473 things around the house, but I actually only have capacity for 470. Do-over on that agreement, Can we revisit it?

Billey: Right? That's a good point. Yeah, we've done that.

Béa Albina: And so that can really help to like not…

Billey: Feel that pressure to, you know, be that perfectionist and get all the things done. And If you don't get them done, you're terrible.

Béa Albina: You're terrible.

Billey: It's true. No, the do-over is so helpful.

Béa Albina: It really is. Yeah. Right.

Billey: I think it's one of the strongest tools in our relationship toolbox.

Béa Albina: It is. It is. I think the other thing to add, right, is here, it's two partners agreeing to this tool because it's not gonna work unless you're both agreeing that whatever happened right before the do-over sort of just gets scrubbed from the collective memory. 

And I think I'll also add to that if you're in an abusive relationship, if someone is chronically crossing your boundaries, calling you names, probably not the right environment for like do-over culture until some boundaries and some limits can be respected. Or if you're in an abusive relationship, please get out.

We'll put links to hotlines like we always do. But yeah, do-overs are amazing. And it is based in and builds so much emotional generosity. Anything else you want to add about that?

Billey: I don't think so. I think we covered it.

Béa Albina: I think we did a really great job. Can I brag on what a good meditation teacher you are?

Billey: Oh my goodness. 

Béa Albina: Did I just make you blush, my little Swede?

Billey: Yeah, a little bit, but sure.

Béa Albina: But may I? Do I have your consent?

Billey: You have my consent.

Béa Albina: Okay, so the other day – so in Anchored we've been having these really important talks about everything that's going on in the US, how frightening things are since the inauguration, since the election, but especially since the inauguration and this chaos swirl that's happening in the US right now. 

We've been talking about our big feelings and what to do, and the question kept coming up, what do I do with all this anger? What do I do with all this sadness? What do I do with all this anger? What do I do with all this despair? And so Billey happened to be working from home one day.

Billey: And I get this text message, hey, can you pop into Anchored right now and teach Tonglen? And I was just like, huh, yeah, I'm gonna take it as an opportunity. Yeah, yes, I'm going to do that.

Béa Albina: So would you teach the good people? Oh, you don't have to like teach the practice. But would you tell them what Tonglen practice is?

Billey: Yes. 

Béa Albina: Within your lineage. 

Billey: So Tonglen practice as I've been taught, not directly by Pema Chodron, but through her writings. 

Béa Albina: If only, huh?

Billey: Oh my goodness.

Béa Albina: Pema, if you’re listening, number one fan right here.

Billey: Yeah, right? Both of us. One and two right here. But through her writings, through workshops, through practicing within her lineage, Tonglen is a practice of transmuting negative energy into positive energy. So, breathing in that dark, heavy, negative feeling of suffering in the world and breathing out that white, clear, clean light of positivity out into the world.

So taking in the negative and breathing out the positive. It's a practice that, it's not one just to jump into. If you haven't started meditating yet, I recommend with just focusing on your breath and shamatha, calm abiding practice. And, you know, once you feel like you've got that down, then you can start doing some of these more visualization practices. I'm not going to call them advanced practices because I think it just depends on who you are and just how connected you feel to energies like this.

Béa Albina: I appreciate that. It's not necessarily more advanced.

Billey: No, it's not like, oh, I spent 10,000 hours on a cushion. Now I can do Tonglen. It's like, oh, no, I can visualize the suffering and I feel safe within myself to bring that energy in and metabolize it and transmute it and put out positivity with my breath.

Béa Albina: Right. And I wanna, as always, you know, good and bad, light and dark, these are terms that come from the Buddhist translations. Like in the episode where I talked about idiot compassion, right? I made the note, I don't know that's what I would call it. Maybe it's not the most loving term, but that's the translation. And so honoring that that's the translation and naming that it comes from a very old lineage.

Billey: 2,600 years, can't be too wrong.

Béa Albina: Can't be too wrong. Can't be too wrong, those Buddhists.

Billey: Yeah. I had the thought the other day, I was like, did the Buddha figure out CBT?

Béa Albina: I mean, kind of, though. Kind of, yeah. Yeah. Do you want to unpack that in case anyone's like, wait, what?

Billey: Well, I mean, he kind of figured out that your thoughts really contribute to your suffering and perception in the world. And if you sort of change your thoughts, you can change your feeling of suffering.

Béa Albina: Thought work in a nutshell. Yes, It's thought work. It's CBT. It's the Stoics. I mean, it's – but yeah, I mean, the Buddha was right on with that one.

Billey: But I'm in social work school right now, so everything is just like, oh, huh, oh, interesting. I'm like drawing all these connections and just having so much fun.

Béa Albina: So fun, you're such a nerd. I love it. Yeah. Aw, happy Valentine's.

Billey: Happy Valentine's Day. I love that you're wearing our wedding earrings.

Béa Albina: These are the wedding, yeah. These are the earrings from our wedding. I love them. I don't wear them enough.

Billey: No, you don't wear them often. They're quite special.

Béa Albina: They’re a lot.

Billey: I really appreciate that you put them on for this episode.

Béa Albina: Yeah, that's really sweet.

Billey: I love you so much.

Béa Albina: I love you so much, too. Thank you for coming on the Feminist Wellness Podcast.

Billey: Well, thanks for having me.

Béa Albina: Yay. Thank you for supporting me with all the everything for my name change. It's been a lot of paperwork.

Billey: It's a lot of paperwork.

Béa Albina: It's a lot of paperwork, as you know.

Billey: As I know. I took your last name, so, you know.

Béa Albina: Thank you.

Billey: Yeah. Okay. So, yeah.

Béa Albina: Well, thank you. Thank you, my loves, for being here. Thanks for listening. Thanks for sharing the podcast with your friends. You can call me Béa from now on.

Let's do what we do. Gentle hand on your heart should you feel so moved. And remember, you are safe, you are held, you are loved. And when one of us heals, we help heal the world. Be well, my love, talk to you soon, ciao!

Thank you for listening to this episode of Feminist Wellness. If you want to learn more all about somatics, what the heck that word means, and why it matters for your life, head on over to BeaAlbina.com/somaticswebinar for a free webinar all about it. Have a beautiful day, my darling, and I'll see you next week. Ciao