Nervous System Healing for Knowing Your Needs and Saying No Without Guilt

Question 1: Why do I go blank when someone asks what I need?

This is such a tender question and one I hear all the time. Whether it’s a partner asking what you want for dinner, a coworker checking in, or someone close asking what you need in the relationship, so many folks find themselves frozen, blank, and unsure how to respond. And if that’s you, I want you to know this: you are not broken. You are brilliant. Your body is doing exactly what it learned to do to protect you.

Somewhere along the way, having needs or preferences stopped feeling safe. Maybe when you were younger, expressing what you wanted meant being told you were wrong, that you didn’t know what was best for you, or that your opinions didn’t matter. These moments may have felt small, like choosing the “wrong” sweatshirt color, but their impact can be profound. The message you received was clear: trusting your own desires leads to disconnection or punishment. Over time, your nervous system learned that the safest path was to stop knowing altogether.

This is emotional outsourcing in action. It’s when we look outside ourselves for permission, validation, and worth, rather than sourcing those things from within. When we’re stuck in this pattern, it becomes second nature to defer. “I don’t know, what do you want?” becomes our default because deep down, our system believes that expressing our truth is dangerous.

That blankness you feel is often a dorsal vagal response: a form of nervous system shutdown that shows up as numbness, fogginess, or feeling checked out. It’s your body saying, “Let’s not risk this. Let’s stay safe by not having an opinion.” This might have worked beautifully when you were younger and needed to survive in an environment where being agreeable kept you loved. But now, it keeps you distant from yourself.

So how do we begin to come home to our needs? Through nervous system healing, one tiny step at a time. And I do mean tiny. In my world, we don’t take baby steps. We take kitten steps: the absolute gentlest movements toward change. Instead of diving into massive, overwhelming questions like “What do I need in this relationship?”, start with this: What temperature feels good on my skin right now? Do I want a sweater because I’m cold, or because others are wearing one? Would tea feel better than water?

These micro-check-ins help rebuild interoception, which is your sense of your internal bodily experience. Many of us lose touch with that sense when we’ve spent a lifetime deferring to others. One of the first things we do in all my programs is focus on reconnecting with your biological impulses: your need to eat, to rest, to go outside, to pee (yes, even that). These are not small things. They are vital ways to practice tuning in and honoring your own needs.

Also, remember that not knowing right away is okay. You don’t have to perform clarity. You can simply say, “I’m noticing that I don’t really know right now. Let me come back to it.” That is also a need. The need for space, time, and safety to check in with yourself. Practice phrases like “Give me a minute to feel into it” or “I’ll need a moment to check in with myself.” And then go to the bathroom, splash water on your face, feel the temperature on your skin, and listen inward. These little rituals let your body know it matters.

Question 2: Even when I know I don’t want to do something, I feel awful saying no. Sometimes I say yes just to make the guilt stop. Help.

This one is so real. Guilt is one of the biggest blocks to setting boundaries, especially for folks who’ve been emotionally outsourced. But here’s what I’ve found in my work: guilt is often grief in disguise. It’s grief for all the times saying no wasn’t allowed. It’s grief for the moments when saying no meant you were punished, rejected, or shamed. When our past taught us that other people’s comfort equals our safety, it makes sense that saying no would feel dangerous.

We live in a culture that teaches us, especially as women or those raised to be pleasing, that our goodness lives in being easy to be around. When you’ve learned that love is conditional on saying yes, then “no” starts to feel like a threat to your very being. But you are not wrong or bad for wanting to honor your limits. You are just in the process of learning a new way.

Instead of rushing to make the guilt disappear, I invite you to slow down and notice: this is my body remembering. Try pairing your no with something grounding. Feel your feet on the floor. Put a hand on your heart. Exhale. Say the no clearly and kindly. This signals to your nervous system: “It’s okay. We’re safe now.”

Start small. You don’t need to begin by saying no to a huge request, like hosting 40 people for the holidays. Practice micro-no’s first:
“Do you want cream in your coffee?”
“No, thank you.”

Not “nah” or “I’m good”, but a clear, conscious “no.” Let yourself feel what it’s like to say no and stay safe. Over time, this helps your body learn that setting boundaries doesn’t mean losing love. It actually creates deeper connection, with yourself and with others who can meet the real you.

This is how we move from being “good girls” to becoming ex-good girls, as my friend Sarah Fisk beautifully says. We learn to tell the truth, hold our boundaries, and trust that we don’t have to be agreeable to be worthy. And yes, it takes practice. Yes, it takes gentleness. But it is possible. And it changes everything.

Have a question for The Tenderoni Hotline? Send it to podcast@beatrizalbina.com and I might answer it in a future episode.