From Self-Abandonment to Self-Love: Ending Emotional Outsourcing with Mary Jelkovsky

Self-Love as the Path Back to Ourselves

What happens when you stop performing and start being? In this episode I sit down with Mary Jelkovsky of Mary’s Cup of Tea for a deep exploration of emotional outsourcing, cultural identity, and what it truly means to cultivate self-love.

Mary shares her journey from disordered eating and immigrant eldest daughter pressure to radical self-acceptance, showing us how emotional outsourcing isn’t just a buzzword, it’s a survival strategy. One that many of us, especially those socialized as women, picked up early and often. And one that self-love can help us unlearn.

The Invisible Load and the Myth of Being Good

So many of us were taught that being a “good” daughter, partner, or woman meant performing roles perfectly. Coordinating the bachelorette, getting the perfect grades, or being the one who holds it all together. But as Mary and I discuss, that invisible load often leaves us depleted, disconnected, and unsure of who we are outside of others’ needs.

Self-love, in this context, isn’t just about bubble baths. It’s about breaking the cycles of over-functioning and self-abandonment. It’s asking, “Am I doing this from love or from fear of not being enough?”

How Emotional Outsourcing Shows Up

– Planning every detail to feel worthy

– Taking on the role of caretaker in every group dynamic

– Expecting others to validate our worth

– Shutting down or icing people out when our vulnerability isn’t received

These are genius survival strategies we picked up to feel safe, valued, and loved. But that doesn’t mean we have to keep using them.

Self-Love Means Knowing You Are the Cake

Be the cake. You are already whole. You don’t need icing (aka external validation) to be good enough. Wanting affirmation is human. Needing it to feel okay? That’s where presence work and self-love come in. When we reconnect with our bodies, get present, and ask ourselves, “What am I asking this to do for me?” we start to step out of old patterns and into self-trust.

The Power of Interdependence

Healing doesn’t mean becoming hyper-independent. It means learning to hold your autonomy and connect in mutual, reciprocal ways. This is the medicine. And this is what self-love makes possible.

Final Reflection

You don’t have to earn your worth. You don’t have to hustle for your enoughness. You are worthy, wonderful, and whole – exactly as you are.

Listen to the full episode for tender insights, cake metaphors, nervous system wisdom, and permission to reclaim your joy.