The Third Arrow: Healing Shame, Boundaries, and Holiday Triggers
Today is Thanksgiving here in the U.S., and whether you are celebrating or not, I want to share something that just might shift your entire experience of this day and this season.
We are here to talk about what I call the Third Arrow. Once you see it, you cannot unsee it. And knowing about it might save your holiday, your relationships, and whatever precious little energy you have left at this point in the year.
What Are the Arrows?
In Buddhist teachings, the First Arrow is pain. It is unavoidable. Being human means we will encounter loss, grief, awkwardness, hurt. Life flings the First Arrow.
The Second Arrow is our resistance to the First. It is the “this should not be happening” story. It’s the spiral. The suffering we pile onto the pain.
But then, my darling, there is the Third Arrow. And this one might just be the most damaging.
The Third Arrow: Self-Shaming
The Third Arrow is shame. It is the voice that says, “What is wrong with me for even feeling upset?” It is self-attack turned into a reflex. It shows up when we feel hurt, and then we shame ourselves for feeling that hurt at all.
Let’s walk through an example.
You’re at your family’s home for Thanksgiving. You set the table. Your mom silently comes behind you and rearranges everything. No words, just correction.
- First Arrow: You feel humiliated. Dismissed. Like you are eight years old again.
- Second Arrow: Your thoughts spiral. “She always does this. I can’t do anything right.”
- Third Arrow: “Why am I crying in the bathroom about forks and gourds? I should be over this. I’ve done the therapy, the somatics, the work. What is wrong with me?”
The Third Arrow turns human hurt into personal failure. And my love, that’s not fair to you.
Emotional Outsourcing and Self-Love
This Third Arrow connects directly to what I call emotional outsourcing. That’s when we source our sense of safety, belonging, and worth from everyone and everything outside of ourselves instead of from within.
When that is our survival strategy, the holidays can feel like a performance review. Every feeling gets judged. Every reaction gets scored.
We try to earn love by being good, agreeable, low-maintenance. The Third Arrow is the voice in your head keeping you in line.
It tells you: “If I just feel bad enough about how I’m feeling, maybe I’ll be lovable again.”
But you already are lovable. You do not have to earn it. And self-love is the path that brings that truth home.
How the Third Arrow Shows Up
Scenario One: You Stayed Home
You made a thoughtful decision not to go home for the holidays. But by noon, the texts and photos roll in. You feel grief, then comparison, then: “What is wrong with me for feeling lonely? I chose this.”
The Third Arrow turns valid grief into a character flaw.
Scenario Two: You Went and Overfunctioned
You coordinated, hosted, served. Then your uncle makes a snide comment about your career.
- First Arrow: Shame
- Second Arrow: Mental spiraling
- Third Arrow: “I am too sensitive. I should be able to laugh this off.”
Either way, your body does not get what it needs: presence, compassion, self-love.
Scenario Three: Dressing for the Day
You change outfits four times, anticipating family commentary about your body. You obsess in the mirror, then shame yourself for caring. That’s the Third Arrow.
Your feelings are valid. And they are not flaws.
Scenario Four: You Dissociate During Conflict
When the political debates start, you go blank. Then later, you shame yourself for zoning out. That dissociation was your nervous system protecting you.
The Third Arrow tells you that your protection is something to be ashamed of.
What to Do When the Third Arrow Hits
1. Name It
Say it out loud or to yourself: “This is the Third Arrow.” Naming it begins to unwind it.
2. Change Your State Before Your Story
Story follows state in the nervous system. If you are activated, your thoughts will be, too. Ground yourself. Press your feet to the floor. Step outside. Widen your gaze. Feel your body.
3. Source Worth from Within
When you feel the urge to people-please, pause. Ask, “What do I actually need right now?” Offer yourself something small and nourishing. A sip of water. A moment of breath. A hand on your heart.
4. Hold Boundaries with Compassion
When someone pushes you, even kindly, and you say “no,” the Third Arrow may try to convince you you’re being too much. Say it anyway: “Thank you, but it’s still a no.”
Check in with your tone and your truth. Let love guide you, not shame.
5. Talk to Yourself Like Someone You Love
When you feel the Third Arrow rising, be the loving voice in your own head. Say, “Old lessons are loud today. But I am on my own side.”
You wouldn’t shame a child for crying. You’d say, “Ouch, that hurt. Come here.” Do the same for yourself.
When You Stay or When You Go
If you stay home and the voice says, “You’re selfish,” remind yourself: “I made the best choice for my body.” Then bring in sensory safety. Tea, candles, a soft blanket.
If you go and it gets hard, step outside. Take a breath. You don’t have to stay in the room to prove your strength. Strength is walking out when you need to care for yourself.
Watch for Weaponized Gratitude
If someone says, “Others have it worse,” or your brain says, “You should be grateful,” that is the Third Arrow in disguise. Real gratitude and real pain can coexist.
Your Worth Lives in You
You will recognize the Third Arrow now. When it comes, you can say, “Thank you, but no. Not today.” And then you can do the next right thing.
Feet on the floor. Hand on your heart. Gentle words. Kindness. Self-love.
Because you, my beauty, are worthy of love not for how well you handle it all, but simply because you are you.
The First Arrow is life. The Second Arrow is the spiral. But the Third Arrow is optional.
And now you can choose not to throw it.
With love,
Bea
Join Me in Anchored
If you want to keep practicing all of this, really truly practicing, come join me in Anchored. It’s where we do this work in community: nervous system repair, somatic practice, emotional re-patterning with lots of breathwork. Tender and fun.
Learn more about Anchored here.