Tenderoni Hotline #14: Why You Feel Off After Talking to Your Mom + Why You Pull Your Hair Without Realizing + Why You Can’t Stay Present
Welcome back to the Tenderoni Hotline, our warm and cozy corner of The Feminist Wellness Podcast, where we talk nervous system healing, somatic tools, and reclaiming your self-worth, one question at a time. If you've got something tender on your heart and want my support, write to me at podcast@beatrizalbina.com and I’ll answer you in a future episode. Let’s dive in.
Why Do I Feel Off After Talking to My Mom (Even If the Call Was "Fine")?
You hang up the phone and suddenly feel off, weird, wired, and tight in the chest. The conversation wasn’t a fight. She was pleasant. And still, your nervous system is on edge. If this sounds familiar, you're not alone.
Often, the stress response you feel after a seemingly calm interaction isn’t about the content of that call. It’s your nervous system responding to the history of calls.
The years of walking on eggshells. The guilt trips. The moments you had to shrink yourself to preserve peace.
Even if your mom is being friendly, your body may still be bracing. Hyperattentive. Monitoring her tone, filtering your words, performing the "acceptable" version of you.
And that performance? It’s exhausting.
You might even find her voice alone triggers a survival response. A flash of fawn, freeze, or shutdown. Because your body associates her with threat, however subtle or unspoken.
What Helps?
Your job isn't to "get over it." Your job is to help your nervous system come down from the activation.
Try this:
- Take five minutes after a call to shake out your body
- Step outside and orient to your surroundings
- Play with a pet or touch something grounding
- Take slow exhales and let your shoulders drop
And know this: it’s okay to set limits. Even with your mom. Especially if those calls consistently dysregulate you.
Protecting your peace is not a betrayal. It’s an act of radical self-care.
Why You Pull Your Hair (Even Though You Hate It)?
One listener shared they often find themselves pulling their hair without noticing. During work, while watching TV. And they feel ashamed about the bald spots it’s caused. They’ve tried everything: gloves, fidget tools, distraction. Nothing sticks.
This sounds like it could be trichotillomania, a body-focused repetitive behavior (BFRB), like skin picking or nail biting. These behaviors often develop as nervous system strategies when we don’t have other tools for self-soothing, grounding, or processing tension.
For some, hair pulling creates a sensory release from anxiety.
For others, it’s a way to reenter the body during dissociation.
For some, it has a compulsive build-release cycle.
And shame? Shame makes it worse. Because shame is a nervous system activator too.
What Helps?
This isn't about more willpower. This is about more support.
You deserve to work with:
- A licensed psychotherapist trained in BFRBs
- A dermatologist who understands trichotillomania
- Providers who will explore your nervous system patterns, triggers, and unmet needs with compassion
This is not a personal failure. It’s a coping strategy. One your body picked up for a reason.
And no, you’re not broken. You’re human. You deserve support that meets you with care, not judgment.
Why Can't I stay Present, It's Like I'm Living in a Fog?
A listener wrote in feeling like there’s a lag between what’s happening around them and their ability to respond. A buffer. Like they’re floating just outside of real life.
This sounds like dissociation, specifically depersonalization or derealization. And it’s a common survival response to chronic overwhelm. It’s what the nervous system does when full presence feels unsafe.
Instead of a full shutdown, the system mutes everything. You go through the motions, but aren’t fully here.
This often happens in emotional outsourcing. When your system is overextended from constantly reading the room, tending to others, or trying to stay “good” in someone else’s eyes. The system says, if I can’t leave the situation, I’ll leave myself.
What Helps?
Your brain is doing its best to protect you. And you don’t need to stay stuck in the fog.
Try:
- Orienting: Name 5 things you can see
- Grounding: Feel your feet on the floor
- Sensory input: Cold water, holding ice, textured objects
And please, get assessed by:
- A licensed therapist trained in trauma modalities like EMDR, IFS, or somatic experiencing
- A medical provider to rule out physical causes
Once you have support and grounding tools in place, working with a nervous system coach can be a powerful next step. But first, give your body the safety it needs to come fully online again.
Final Thoughts
Your body’s responses (the post-call anxiety, the repetitive behaviors, the dissociative fog) all make sense through a nervous system lens. These aren’t flaws to fix. They’re protective patterns.
And while these patterns can be painful, they are not permanent.
With the right support, compassion, and somatic tools, you can start building a new relationship with your body. One that trusts presence. One that prioritizes your peace. One that doesn’t make you apologize for needing care.
You're allowed to protect your energy. To ask for support. To show up for your nervous system as lovingly as you’ve shown up for everyone else.
And remember: when one of us heals, we help heal the world.
Want to Go Deeper?
Grab your copy of End Emotional Outsourcing to learn how to stop performing safety and start actually feeling it.
You will get real tools, somatic practices, and feminist coaching support to help you come home to yourself, one nervous-system-loving step at a time.
And if you want my free orienting audio and grounding meditations to support your daily practice, head here to get your free downloads.
Join me in my group coaching program, Anchored: Overcoming Codependency here.
Tags: nervous system healing, emotional outsourcing, somatic practices, trauma recovery, mother wound, trichotillomania, dissociation, people pleasing, codependency, nervous system regulation, feminist wellness, body-based healing, mental health support, anxiety relief, boundary setting, inner child healing, nervous system education, compassionate self-care, trauma-informed healing, self-trust, feeling off, pull your hair, can't stay present