How to Set Nervous System Boundaries When You’re Met With Defensiveness
Welcome back to the Tenderoni Hotline, where I answer your real, beautiful, and brave questions about somatics, the nervous system, emotional outsourcing, and so much more. If you have a question you want me to answer on the podcast, send it to podcast@beatrizalbina.com and I’ll add it to the list. Now, let’s get into today’s conversation.
When Honesty Feels Like a Risk
Question:
“The times I’ve worked up the courage to be honest with people about my limits or feeling hurt, I tend to be met with long explanations for their behavior or the conversation gets redirected to scrutinizing me. This leaves me feeling overwhelmed and ineffective. Please help.” – Amygdala18
Oh, my tender one. I feel this in my bones. You speak your truth, maybe your voice shakes, maybe your palms sweat, but you do it anyway. You let someone know how something landed for you. And instead of being met with curiosity or care, you get a long, winding monologue about how you’re wrong, how they didn’t mean it, or worse, how you’re the problem for bringing it up at all.
Suddenly, you’re no longer talking about what hurt you. The entire conversation becomes about their discomfort, their defense, their need to make it go away. And your nervous system? It takes the hit. This is where nervous system boundaries come in. Because the truth is, your body remembers what it costs to be honest.
Why Your Body Reacts This Way
Speaking up activates your nervous system, especially if you were taught — directly or subtly — that honesty leads to conflict, punishment, or abandonment. So when defensiveness enters the chat, your body responds like it’s back in those early moments of emotional threat. Your chest tightens. Your mind goes blank. Your heart races. That is not weakness. That is your body doing exactly what it learned to do to protect you. You are not overreacting. You are not broken. You are reliving a survival pattern that once kept you safe.
Defensiveness is Not Always Malicious
Let’s name this with compassion and clarity. People who get defensive are usually not trying to hurt you. They are often trying to avoid the shame of being the one who caused harm. They scramble to protect their sense of being good by denying your experience, and in doing so, they hurt you again. That doesn’t make it okay. It just makes it human. And it gives you the information you need to shift the conversation, or to step away.
What Are Nervous System Boundaries?
Nervous system boundaries are not just about what you say to others. They are about how you protect your internal space.
– They are the pause before overexplaining.
– The deep breath before jumping into repair mode.
– The decision to step away instead of staying in a conversation that’s hurting you.
These boundaries protect your bandwidth, your emotional energy, and your sense of self — even when someone else can’t meet you with care.
How to Set Nervous System Boundaries in Real Time
When you feel yourself spiraling in the moment — when the urge to explain, fix, or defend rises — that is your cue to pause.
- Feel your feet.
- Take a slow exhale.
- Orient to your surroundings.
Then you might say:
“I’m not looking for an explanation right now. I just wanted to share how that landed.”
And if they keep defending, you can say:
“I think we’re going in circles. Let’s come back to this another time.”
This is not cold. It is caring. For you. For them. For the relationship.
Writing as a Nervous System Boundary
If you find that every spoken conversation ends in a spiral, try writing instead. A letter or an email allows you to express yourself without getting hijacked by their tone or immediate reaction. You can take your time. You can ground yourself. You can come back to it later if needed. Sometimes you write just for you, just to move the emotion through. Other times you share it when the energy feels less charged. Either way, you are creating a container for your truth that feels safer for your system.
Regulate First, Speak Later
Before starting any hard conversation, regulate. This is the foundation of nervous system boundaries. Move. Breathe. Shake your hands. Hum. Remind your body that you are safe with you. When you begin from regulation, your tone will naturally be less reactive. You will come from self, not from survival. And if you can, practice what you want to say aloud. Not to perfect it, but to let your body feel what it’s like to speak up calmly. This lowers the threat level when it’s go-time.
Name the Pattern, But Do It Later
If a conversation derails into defensiveness, step away. Then when things have settled, you can return and say something like:
“When I shared my feelings earlier, I noticed the conversation shifted into explanations instead of listening. That was really hard for me.”
Speak from your experience. Stay on your side of the street. Use “I” statements. This builds awareness without escalating the moment. It allows you to name what happened while staying connected to your truth.
You Don’t Have to Earn Your Right to Be Heard
It is not your job to teach someone emotional maturity. You cannot force someone to receive your truth with care. But you can model what grounded clarity looks like.
You might say:
“When I share how I feel, I would appreciate being heard without needing to solve or explain it.”
That’s a boundary. That’s nervous system care.
Take Care of the Tender You
After the conversation, care for the part of you that spoke up. Wrap yourself in a blanket. Run your hands down your arms. Do a few deep exhales with sound. Let your body know: we are safe now. Because that is what nervous system boundaries are all about. They remind your system that honesty does not have to end in rupture. Even if the other person cannot meet you, you can meet yourself with compassion. This is how self-trust grows. Not through perfection, but through presence.
When Walking Away is the Most Loving Move
Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is decide not to keep engaging. If someone consistently meets your vulnerability with blame or dismissal, it is not avoidance to walk away. It is discernment. We are not here to keep being hurt just because we love someone. Community, collectivity, and interdependence matter. But so does your peace. If you are showing up with love and care and still being met with disregard, it is okay to stop. That is what attunement to self looks like.
Come Back to the Body
If you feel lost after a hard interaction, return to your body. Look around the room. Feel the chair under you. Move your spine. Reconnect with the present moment. You are still here. You are still worthy. The universe is still holding you. Put your hand on your chest. Tell yourself: “You did something brave. You told the truth. You spoke up for the good of the relationship.” Even if it didn’t go as planned, your intention was love. And that matters.
This is How Self-Trust Grows
After every hard conversation, come home to yourself. Give your body what it needs. Shake it out. Sigh. Rest. And know that even if someone else cannot honor your truth, you still can.
Your honesty deserves protection.
Your nervous system deserves peace.
Your boundaries deserve respect.
And you, my love, deserve all of it.
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