Tenderoni Hotline #7: Why You Keep Wanting Closure from Your Ex + Why You Constantly Ask for Reassurance in Your Relationship
Welcome back to another heartfelt installment of the Tenderoni Hotline, your weekly infusion of somatic support, nervous system insight, and loving feminist coaching. Every Tuesday, I answer your real-life questions, the brave and tender ones, drawing from my work in Anchored, The Somatic Studio, and your beautiful messages. If you have a question you would like me to answer, send it to podcast@beatrizalbina.com and I will add it to the list for a future episode. Let’s get into it.
Question 1: Why do I keep craving closure from my ex, even though I know they will never give me what I want?
Oh my love, this is such a universal ache. When a relationship ends without repair, without accountability, without a soft landing, your nervous system often does not recognize the ending as complete.
There was no apology. No conversation. No mutual ending to metabolize. It was just done. And that kind of ending can leave your body in a loop. A loop of trying to finish something that still feels open.
Closure vs. Coherence
Often when we say we want closure, what we are really longing for is coherence. We want the story to make sense. We want what happened to match what we believed was true. We want clarity that helps the world inside us feel aligned again.
But here is the hard truth: Closure does not usually come from their answer. It comes from your system gradually recognizing that the threat has passed. That you are on the other side now. That you survived what you once thought you could not.
Why the Urge to Reach Out Is Not About Them
When the body senses something is incomplete, it will keep tugging you toward actions that might complete the loop. Calling them. Texting them. Replaying conversations. Imagining what you would say now.
Not because you need them. But because your body is looking for a moment that says, "It is over. It is time to come home to yourself."
How to Support Your Body in Completing the Loop
Instead of trying to get closure from a person who cannot or will not offer it, try a ritual your body can understand:
- Write the letter you will never send
- Delete the thread you keep rereading
- Walk a literal loop around your neighborhood to symbolize coming home
These small, concrete rituals mark an ending in nervous-system language.
Closure Might Not Feel Like Peace Right Away
Sometimes closure is not a peaceful exhale. Sometimes it is simply staying with the unfinished feeling long enough for it to lose its charge. We do not rush it. We do not force it. We build capacity for the feeling and let the charge soften over time. And as that charge dissolves, you begin to reclaim the truth that your peace does not live in another person’s words. It lives inside you.
Question 2: My partner loves me and I know that, but I still keep asking if we are okay. Why do I need so much reassurance?
This is such a tender, human question, and you are absolutely not alone. When you grow up with inconsistent connection, your body learns to expect that love comes and goes. It teaches you to be vigilant. To monitor every shift. To scan for danger even in moments of safety. So even when you are loved now, your system might still expect loss at any moment.
Why Reassurance Helps and Why It Does Not Last
When you ask for reassurance, and your partner says, "Yes, of course we are okay," your body gets a quick hit of relief. A tiny burst of dopamine. A moment of exhale. But it is temporary, because your system never learned how to marinate in safety for more than a few seconds. So the need for reassurance rises again. Faster each time.
This is not neediness. This is a nervous system that did not grow up with consistent safety.
What Helps Instead: Micro Regulation of Attachment
You know that baby steps are still too big. That is why we take kitten steps. Tiny, tiny movements toward trusting love, without overwhelming your system.
The next time the panic rises and you want to ask,
"Do you love me? Are we still okay?"
try this instead:
- Pause
- Orient to your surroundings by looking around the room
- Take three slow breaths with long exhales
- Find one piece of sensory evidence that you are safe enough in this moment
- The sound of dishes in the next room
- The weight of the blanket on your lap
- The presence of your pet nearby
These small practices teach your body to source steadiness from reality, not from the reassurance loop. Over time, you build the capacity to trust what is already true.
Safety Comes From Within, Not from Someone Else’s Mouth
We are not asking your body to leap into trust. We are slowly expanding its capacity to stay with safety long enough to feel it. Real healing is not in the question "Do you love me?" It is in learning to say, "I can feel safe enough inside myself in this moment."
A Final Loving Reminder
There is nothing wrong with you if you crave closure or need reassurance. These are not failures. These are survival strategies your brilliant body learned in moments when you needed protection, support, and connection.
Now, you get to offer yourself what you never received.
You get to reclaim your sense of safety from within.
You get to choose yourself again and again, breath by breath.
Healing is slow.
Healing is tender.
Healing is yours.
Want to Go Deeper?
Grab your copy of End Emotional Outsourcing to learn how to stop performing safety and start actually feeling it.
You will get real tools, somatic practices, and feminist coaching support to help you come home to yourself, one nervous-system-loving step at a time.
And if you want my free orienting audio and grounding meditations to support your daily practice, head here to get your free downloads.
Tags: nervous system regulation, emotional outsourcing, breakups, closure, anxious attachment, somatic healing, reassurance seeking, relationship anxiety, nervous system healing, trauma healing, self trust, somatic experiencing, attachment wounds, breakup recovery, nervous system support