Tenderoni Hotline #11: Why Saying No Feels So Hard + Why You Overexplain + How to Protect Your Energy This Holiday Season
Welcome back to the Tenderoni Hotline, our warm and cozy corner of The Feminist Wellness Podcast, where we talk nervous system healing, somatic tools, and reclaiming your self-worth, one question at a time. If you've got something tender on your heart and want my support, write to me at podcast@beatrizalbina.com and I’ll answer you in a future episode. Let’s dive in.
Why Do I Feel So Guilty Every Time I Say No During the Holidays?
This question comes up constantly in my coaching practice and in my own life. You say no to a plan, a favor, or an ask , and suddenly you're drowning in guilt. But here’s the reframe: guilt is often fear in disguise.
For those of us who were raised to keep everyone else emotionally comfortable, guilt doesn’t indicate wrongdoing. It’s a nervous system alarm based on outdated programming.
Your body learned, early on, that saying no risked disconnection. That love and belonging had conditions. And that saying yes, even when you wanted to say no, was the safest route.
So what we label as guilt is often fear. Fear of being rejected. Fear of being seen as too much, or not enough. Fear that your no will make someone else uncomfortable, and that discomfort will somehow make you unsafe.
The path forward is not muscling your way through the guilt. It's building a new relationship with your nervous system. One that doesn't equate self-prioritization with danger. This is what I teach in End Emotional Outsourcing and in all my coaching programs: how to slowly, breath by breath, become self-referential. You begin to source your worth and safety from within instead of outsourcing it to someone else’s mood or reaction.
Why Do I Always End Up Overexplaining My Decisions to Family?
If your childhood taught you that your needs were up for debate, then of course every boundary now comes with footnotes. You probably had to build a case for your feelings to be seen as valid. And you got really good at it. This shows up loudest around family. Because let’s be real, if your voice wasn’t honored when you were a kid, why would you suddenly trust it now?
Here’s the good news: you don’t have to explain yourself into exhaustion anymore. When you notice yourself spiraling into overexplaining, pause. That urge to justify is your nervous system reaching for safety. Instead of giving into the spiral, ground yourself:
- Drop into your feet
- Orient to your surroundings
- Take three long exhales if you feel anxious
- Or hold your breath for a few seconds, then exhale, if you feel frozen
Then, speak your truth in one clear sentence. That’s it. No TED Talk. No disclaimers. Just your truth, without the emotional gymnastics.
Yes, it might feel shaky. But that shakiness is just your nervous system learning something new: that you’re allowed to take up space. That your no can be a complete sentence. And that you do not need to earn your right to exist.
How Can I Protect My Energy During the Holidays Without Avoiding Everyone?
Ah, the classic conundrum: how do I stay regulated around people who feel profoundly dysregulating? The answer isn’t hiding in the guest room, though let’s be honest, sometimes that helps too. The real work is about staying in your body while you're with other people.
Protecting your energy starts with recognizing when you’re slipping into old survival strategies: fawning, fixing, over-functioning, caretaking. The moment you feel yourself defaulting to hypervigilance, take a pause. Protecting your energy looks like:
- Three slow breaths in the car before you walk inside
- A moment in the bathroom to let your shoulders drop before joining the group
- Standing on the porch to feel the cold air and come back to your senses
- Texting a friend to co-regulate when your system goes off the rail.
These tiny acts of presence help you return to yourself in the middle of the chaos. And they are not selfish. They are sacred.
You deserve to enjoy the holidays without abandoning yourself. When you attend to your nervous system, you create space to actually feel the joy, the connection, the realness that this season can offer. Without the guilt. Without the overfunctioning. Just you, grounded in your own truth.
Final Thoughts
This work isn’t about perfection. It’s about practice. Every time you interrupt a default (whether it’s guilt, overexplaining, or people-pleasing) you’re building a new way of being. And over time, those small interruptions become a new normal. One where you get to stay with yourself. One where you're not sacrificing your well-being on the altar of politeness or performative family harmony.
So this holiday season, orient, breathe, and return to your own heart. You're allowed to take care of yourself. And when one of us heals, we help heal the world.
Want to Go Deeper?
Grab your copy of End Emotional Outsourcing to learn how to stop performing safety and start actually feeling it.
You will get real tools, somatic practices, and feminist coaching support to help you come home to yourself, one nervous-system-loving step at a time.
And if you want my free orienting audio and grounding meditations to support your daily practice, head here to get your free downloads.
Join me in my group coaching program, Anchored: Overcoming Codependency here.
Tags: holiday stress, saying no without guilt, emotional boundaries, people pleasing recovery, nervous system regulation, emotional outsourcing, family dynamics, overexplaining boundaries, somatic healing, feminist wellness, codependency recovery, holiday anxiety, self abandonment cycle, nervous system safety, boundary setting, relational healing, trauma informed care, emotional regulation, family triggers, self trust building