How to Stop Apologizing for Existing
Welcome to this week’s Tenderoni Hotline, the cozy corner of The Feminist Wellness Podcast where we answer your tenderest questions with love, nervous system science, and a big dose of compassion. Today, we are talking about something that so many of us struggle with without even realizing it: chronic over-apologizing. And more specifically, how to stop apologizing for existing.
Why Do I Apologize So Much?
If you start every sentence with “Sorry,” you are not alone. “Sorry to bother you.” “Sorry, can I ask something?” “Sorry, I have to pee.” These apologies might seem small, but they point to something deeper. A long history of being taught that your presence is a problem.
This often starts in childhood. Maybe you had a caregiver who was easily annoyed or overwhelmed, and you learned to tiptoe around their moods. Maybe you were told you were too loud, too needy, too emotional. So you shrank yourself. You softened your voice. You apologized for the parts of you that could not shrink any further.
And because we live in a world that teaches women and marginalized folks that being polite means being small, this behavior gets reinforced over and over again. You internalize the idea that having needs is a burden. That asking for anything makes you demanding. That being takes up too much space.
The Nervous System Behind the “Sorry”
What might look like politeness is often a survival strategy. Chronic apologizing is your nervous system’s way of saying, “Please don’t be mad. I am not a threat.” It is a preemptive attempt to avoid conflict, disapproval, or abandonment. And while this strategy may have once kept you safe, it now keeps you stuck. Stuck in a story that says you are wrong just for being.
Step One: Notice the Habit
The first step to stop apologizing for existing is simply to notice when you are doing it. No judgment. No shame. Just awareness. When you hear yourself say “Sorry,” pause. Ask yourself what you actually meant to say.
Instead of:
- “Sorry to bother you…” Try:
- “Do you have a minute?”
This shift might feel uncomfortable at first. You might feel rude. But you are not being rude. You are simply stating your needs without shrinking to fit someone else’s expectations.
Step Two: Replace, Don’t Catch
In my work, I emphasize replacing instead of catching. Catching yourself can feel like punishment, like you did something wrong. Replacing creates space for change without shame. This is about pattern interruption, not perfection.
And if saying the new phrase out loud feels too hard right now, that is okay. Start by saying it in your head. Let your nervous system get used to the idea that you are allowed to exist without apology.
You Are Not a Problem
This work takes time. It takes practice. And it will feel awkward at first. But I promise, it gets easier.
You are not wrong for asking questions. You are not wrong for having feelings. You are not wrong for taking up space.
You are not a problem to be fixed. You are a person learning to feel safe in your body and your voice.
Bonus Question: What Do Random Body Twitches Mean?
Listener Cameron asked about sudden body twitches. If your leg or arm jerks for no clear reason, it could be stress-related. When we carry tension and do not release it, our bodies find little ways to discharge that stress.
If you are not moving, crying, or shaking things out regularly, your nervous system might do it for you in small bursts. These movements are your body trying to complete the stress activation cycle.
Other things to rule out include magnesium deficiency, dehydration, and too much caffeine. But once that is clear, somatic practices like bilateral stimulation or progressive muscle relaxation can help release stored tension.
Let Yourself Be
Whether it’s a “sorry” that slips out or a muscle twitch that seems random, your body is speaking. And it deserves to be listened to with kindness. You do not have to apologize for your existence. You do not have to explain your needs. You do not have to shrink. You can reclaim your space, breath by breath.
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