People Pleasing and the Myth of Worth Through Usefulness

Are you exhausted from giving and giving until you feel like a ghost in your own life? That is not generosity. That is survival dressed up as selflessness. Let’s talk about how people pleasing convinces us our worth depends on usefulness, and why that is never the truth.

When “Such a Giver” Is Not a Compliment

Lisa, a client of mine, once told me about a moment that changed everything. Someone called her “such a giver,” thinking it was the highest compliment. But after six months of coaching, she finally heard what was underneath: Congratulations, you have programmed yourself to dispense kindness on demand.

Lisa had turned herself into what she called a “human vending machine.” She had learned to insert kindness to get approval, helpfulness to get belonging, and her entire self into other people’s problems to secure connection.

Her formula for worth sounded like this:
Worth = What you do for people ÷ What you need from them.
And that denominator? It had to stay at zero.

This was not kindness. It was survival.

How People Pleasing Erases Your Self

Lisa’s life became a constant performance. When people asked her what she wanted for dinner, she froze like an error message: personal preference not found. She spent 20 minutes in the cereal aisle having an existential crisis because she realized she didn’t know what kind of cereal she actually liked.

That is what people pleasing does. You disappear inside your own life like a tragic magic trick.

And the people benefiting? They were not rushing to stop her. Why would they? Her over-giving made their lives easier. She was trapped in the exhausting improv show of “yes, and,” always the supporting character in everyone else’s story.

The Nervous System Roots of People Pleasing

This was more than habit. Lisa’s nervous system had wired itself for survival by being indispensable. From childhood, when love felt conditional, she learned that being good meant being quiet, helpful, and never needing anything.

Attachment science calls this anxious attachment: scanning for signs of rejection, sacrificing self to preserve connection.

Her brain rerouted its pathways from “I matter” to “I matter only if I am useful.”
Her body became hyper vigilant about other people’s comfort while shutting down when it came to her own.

The result? Stress hormones flooded her system daily. Her body ran a 24/7 customer service operation, managing everyone’s emotions while ignoring her own.

The Cruel Irony of Over-Giving

Lisa believed her constant giving was creating love and intimacy. But it was doing the opposite.

When you never show up as your whole self — with needs, preferences, and boundaries — people cannot love you. They can only love the service you provide.

Lisa thought she was building closeness, but what she built were transactional relationships. Her friends called when they needed something done, but when she went through her divorce, she heard only silence.

That is the truth about people pleasing: it convinces you you’re earning love, when really, you’re building dependency.

The Truth About Your Worth

Here’s what I wish someone had tattooed on my forehead when I was 12:

Your worth was never up for negotiation.

You do not have to audition for the right to exist.
You do not have to earn love like it’s a loyalty program.
You do not have to pay rent on your life by making everyone else comfortable.

You matter because you are here. Not because you are useful. Not because you are perfect. Not because you make other people’s lives easier.

You matter. Period.

What Real Love Looks Like

If you stop over-giving, some people may leave. That hurts, but it tells you something important. They were never there for you, only for what you could do.

Real love looks different. It:

• Welcomes your needs.

• Wants you to take up space.

• Stays steady when you set a boundary.

• Sees your bad days without assuming you are ungrateful.

• Supports you without keeping score.

Real love loves you, not your usefulness.

Stop Earning What Was Already Yours

This is the invitation at the heart of End Emotional Outsourcing: How to Overcome Your Codependent, Perfectionist, and People-Pleasing Habits.

You do not have to be the human Swiss Army knife. You do not have to keep performing usefulness to earn belonging. You do not have to outsource your worth to other people’s comfort.

You already matter. You always did.

📖 End Emotional Outsourcing launches September 30. Preorder now at beatrizalbina.com/book and get immediate access to bonus resources that will help you begin reclaiming your inherent worth today.

You do not have to be useful to be loved. You just have to be you.