Book Series Bonus #5: Did I Make It All Up or Am I Actually Hurt?
Do you second guess your feelings the moment they arise? Do you need “evidence” or other people’s validation before you let yourself be hurt? You’re not broken. You’re running an old survival strategy I call preemptive gaslighting – and you don’t have to keep living this way.
The Phrase That Changed Everything
I need to tell you about a client of mine. Her partner made a cruel comment about her body in front of friends. Instead of letting herself feel hurt or angry, her first thought was:
“Wait… was that actually mean?”
Followed by:
“Maybe I’m being dramatic.”
“Maybe he didn’t mean it that way.”
And then she spent three days replaying the comment like it was evidence in a trial.
She analyzed every word, asked friends for their take, and grilled herself with “what ifs” before finally letting herself feel the sting of what happened.
That’s preemptive gaslighting in action. You question your own reality before anyone else even gets the chance.
The “I Must Be Wrong” Epidemic
Maybe this sounds familiar:
- Someone says something hurtful and your stomach clenches… but your brain instantly jumps in: “Maybe I misunderstood.”
- You feel dismissed in a conversation… then immediately tell yourself: “I’m too sensitive.”
- You sense a shift in someone’s tone or energy… and start spiraling about what you did wrong.
This is the painful cycle so many emotionally outsourced folks live in. You become a detective of your own pain instead of a witness to it.
What Preemptive Gaslighting Really Does
You Outsource Your Reality
Instead of trusting your body’s signals, you hand your experience over to others: “Did you think that was mean?” “Am I overreacting?” “Maybe they didn’t mean it?”
You Erase Your Feelings
Your nervous system speaks through tight shoulders, shallow breath, clenched gut. But instead of honoring that wisdom, you override it with analysis.
You Lose the Ability to Protect Yourself
When you don’t trust your read on a situation, you can’t set boundaries or make decisions that keep you safe.
The Science Behind This Pattern
Nervous System Response to Minimization
If you grew up with your feelings dismissed or rewritten (“You’re too sensitive,” “That didn’t happen”), your system learned: doubt yourself first, it hurts less than being told you’re wrong.
Here’s what happens:
- Sympathetic activation: you go into fight or flight trying to assess the threat
- Behavioral adaptation: you second guess yourself to avoid conflict
- Neural pathway strengthening: over time, self doubt becomes automatic
The Polyvagal Connection
Chronic self doubt dysregulates your vagus nerve, leading to:
- Constant hypervigilance about others’ reactions
- Exhaustion from endless self monitoring
- Disconnection from your own feelings and needs
The Hidden Cost of Preemptive Gaslighting
Your Relationships
You stay in situations that chip away at your worth because you convince yourself the harm isn’t real.
Your Career
You tolerate toxic bosses, dismissive coworkers, or being overlooked because you wonder if you’re “making too big a deal.”
Your Health
Chronic stress from invalidating yourself leads to anxiety, sleep issues, autoimmune flares, digestive problems, and burnout.
How to Stop Gaslighting Yourself
Step 1: Catch the Pattern
Notice when you start investigating your pain:
- “Am I too sensitive?”
- “Maybe they didn’t mean it.”
- “What if I’m wrong?”
Step 2: Listen to Your Body
Ask: How did that feel in my body?
- “It felt like being dismissed.”
- “My stomach dropped.”
- “My shoulders tensed.”
That’s real data. Not drama.
Step 3: Offer Self Validation
Practice phrases like:
- “My feelings are valid.”
- “It makes sense that hurt.”
- “I don’t need permission to feel what I feel.”
Step 4: Build Nervous System Safety
Try:
- Grounding breath
- Progressive muscle relaxation
- Naming sensations with curiosity
- Gentle movement
Relationship Red & Green Flags
The Relationship Red Flags
Watch out for:
- People who tell you you’re “too sensitive” when you express hurt
- People who dismiss or joke about your feelings
- People who make you feel you need evidence before you’re allowed to feel
Green Flags: Your Actual People
Your real people:
- The right people validate your experience, even if they don’t fully understand it
- They honor your feelings as real because they are
The Ripple Effect of Trusting Yourself
When you stop preemptively gaslighting yourself:
- You reclaim your right to your feelings
- You strengthen boundaries and protect yourself
- You create relationships built on authenticity
- You begin to heal the self doubt your nervous system has been carrying for years
Your Permission Slip
You don’t need a jury, a committee, or a permission slip to feel hurt.
Your body doesn’t lie. Your feelings are valid.
That’s exactly what I teach in my new book, End Emotional Outsourcing. You’ll learn the nervous system science behind self doubt and somatic practices to help you start trusting your body’s wisdom again.
Preorder today at beatrizalbina.com/book and get exclusive bonus resources to help you begin right away.
You don’t need to prove your pain to deserve care.
You just get to trust you.
Tags: gaslighting, emotional outsourcing, people pleasing, codependency recovery, trust yourself, nervous system healing, self validation, boundaries