Tenderoni Hotline #19: How to Respond When Someone Ignores Your Boundaries + Why Crying Is Good for Your Nervous System
Welcome back to the Tenderoni Hotline, our warm and cozy corner of The Feminist Wellness Podcast, where we talk nervous system healing, somatic tools, and reclaiming your self-worth, one question at a time. If you've got something tender on your heart and want my support, write to me at podcast@beatrizalbina.com and I’ll answer you in a future episode. Let’s dive in.
When Someone Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries
So you set a boundary, and it isn’t honored.
Do you walk away immediately? Do you push through the discomfort and say nothing? What if they’re a good friend who’s usually kind?
Before assuming the worst, it’s important to pause. Not to invalidate your experience, but to stay in integrity with yourself.
Sometimes a boundary isn’t violated, it’s misunderstood.
Your friend might be trying, but lack the nervous system capacity to actually hear you. They may spiral into shame or shutdown (hello dorsal vagal) and not register what you said.
That’s where curiosity becomes your superpower.
You can say:
“Hey, I shared that I wasn’t available for this conversation and then you sent a long voice note. I want to check in: what did you hear me say?”
This gives both of you a chance to repair. Because if they truly didn’t understand, that’s very different from someone who understood and chose to override your boundary anyway.
“Patterns matter more than one-time missteps. Discernment matters more than judgment.”
Let’s give each other grace and practice clear, clean limits.
When Boundaries Are Used to End Relationships
Boundaries are not punishment.
They are not landmines.
They are not gotchas.
Boundaries are how we create the conditions for safe, connected relating.
But in an age of therapy-speak and self-help overload, it’s easy to weaponize boundaries as a way to avoid intimacy, discomfort, or growth.
So before using a boundary to end a friendship, ask:
Is this person generally kind, available, and trying?
Is this a one-time miscommunication or a pattern of disregard?
If they’re in their own nervous system struggle and can’t receive your boundary without going into fight or flight, that doesn’t mean you have to stay. But it might mean this is a conversation, not a conclusion.
Boundaries should prevent resentment, not create it.
Why Crying Is Not a Sign of Weakness, It’s Biology
Crying is not a failure. It’s genius biochemistry.
Emotional tears are different from the ones that clear out dust or allergies. They contain stress hormones like cortisol and release natural painkillers. Crying helps shift your body from fight-or-flight to your rest-and-digest parasympathetic state.
It’s a nervous system reset, not a breakdown.
But many of us grew up in cultures that taught us crying = weakness. That’s not biology. That’s shame.
You were never wrong for crying. And if no one is there to witness your tears, they still matter.
Try this:
Place a hand on your heart.
Breathe.
Say, “This makes sense. These tears are wisdom.”
Because they are.
What If I’m Too Broken for This Work?
This is one of the most common questions I hear. And my love, I get it.
There’s often a voice whispering,
“Maybe I’ve tried everything. Maybe nothing works. Maybe it’s just me.”
But that voice is not your truth. It’s a protective part of you trying to preempt disappointment. A nervous system guarding against the pain of hoping and being let down again.
That voice may sound like someone from your past: a parent, a teacher, a partner, a therapist who didn’t know how to help. It may sound like culture itself.
And you get to decide: Do I want to keep believing that voice?
Because here’s the truth:
You are not too broken.
You are not too far gone.
You are just in a nervous system that’s been surviving for a long time.
And healing doesn’t come from trying harder.
It comes from creating the conditions where safety and change are possible.
Trying to heal while your system is in survival is like trying to learn French while being chased by a bear. It won’t work, not because you’re broken, but because your biology is doing exactly what it was designed to do.
This work isn’t about fixing you.
It’s about updating the patterns that no longer serve you.
You’re not too late. You’re right on time.
Final Thoughts
Whether you’re crying, setting boundaries, or questioning your worth, you’re not alone.
This healing path is messy, human, and so worth it. Especially when done in community, with care.
Let’s build nervous systems that trust themselves.
Let’s relate with integrity instead of reactivity.
Let’s stop throwing ourselves or each other away.
You are allowed to make mistakes and repair.
You are allowed to rest and cry without shame.
You are allowed to take a chance on yourself.
Want to Go Deeper?
Grab your copy of End Emotional Outsourcing to learn how to stop performing safety and start actually feeling it.
You will get real tools, somatic practices, and feminist coaching support to help you come home to yourself, one nervous-system-loving step at a time.
And if you want my free orienting audio and grounding meditations to support your daily practice, head here to get your free downloads.
Join me in my group coaching program, Anchored: Overcoming Codependency here.
Tags: love, self-love, emotional outsourcing, nervous system healing, somatic healing, intimacy, attachment, self-trust, boundaries, relationships, feminist wellness, inner work, trauma healing, embodied healing, self-abandonment, codependency, self-worth, healing in community, interdependence, personal growth, nervous system regulation