Tenderoni Hotline #2: Why You Freeze When Asked What You Need + How to Say No Without Feeling Guilt
Hello, hello, my love. Welcome back to Feminist Wellness. Today, we’re continuing our newest and most tender segment: The Tenderoni Hotline - your weekly dose of somatics, nervous system wisdom, and loving feminist coaching. Every Tuesday, I’m answering real questions from you, our beautiful community, drawing from Anchored, The Somatic Studio, and your emails. Let’s dive in.
Question 1
When someone asks what I need - in a relationship, at work, or even just ‘What do you want for dinner?’ - my mind goes totally blank. I freeze and feel embarrassed. Why is it so hard to answer?”
Why You Freeze When Asked About Your Needs
When you go blank in response to a simple question, it’s not because you’re broken. It’s because your nervous system is brilliant. If, in childhood, expressing a need was met with punishment, ridicule, or dismissal (“Don’t be picky,” “You don’t know what you want,” “Salad is better for you”), then your body learned that having a preference wasn’t safe.
Even seemingly small moments, like picking the “wrong” sweatshirt color, send a clear message to your child brain: Your knowing isn’t trustworthy. Better to just stay quiet.
Emotional Outsourcing at Work
This is emotional outsourcing in action. When you defer decisions, say “whatever you want,” or truly can’t access your desires, it’s likely because your safety, belonging, and worth were historically tied to someone else’s approval. You didn’t stop having needs. You just learned to hide them, even from yourself.
What Freezing Really Is: A Dorsal Shutdown
That blank feeling? That numbness? That’s not nothing. It’s your dorsal vagal system trying to keep you safe. It’s your body whispering, “Let’s not risk being rejected or shamed. Let’s stay quiet instead.”
How to Reconnect With Your Needs (Kitten Steps Only)
The way home isn’t through big, scary questions like “What do I need in this relationship?” It starts with micro-choices:
- What temperature feels good on my skin right now?
- Do I want a sweatshirt or am I just wearing it because everyone else is?
- Would tea feel better than water in this moment?
These tiny check-ins rebuild interoception, your ability to feel and interpret the signals from within your body.
Practice This:
1. Tune in: Pause and ask, “What’s happening in my body right now?”
2. Name a preference: Even if it feels small, “I want lemon in my water.”
3. Say this when you don’t know yet: “I’m noticing that I don’t really know right now. Let me come back to it.”
That is a need. A beautiful, real one. Give yourself permission to not know immediately and to value your knowing enough to check in before answering.
Question 2
Even when I know I don’t want to do something, I feel awful for saying no. Sometimes I just say yes to make the guilt stop. Help!
What Feels Like Guilt Might Be Grief
Here’s a reframe for you: That guilt you feel might actually be grief. Grief for the times when saying no did cost you something. Grief for the years you weren’t allowed to say no at all.
The Nervous System Hates Disappointing People
Especially if you learned that your worth was tied to keeping the peace, staying agreeable, or making others comfortable. Your nervous system is still equating their comfort with your safety. So when you say “no,” your body says: Danger. Rejection incoming. Don’t do it. And guilt steps in to shut it down. But you are not bad for having boundaries. You are simply remembering how to belong to yourself.
How to Say No Without Guilt Taking the Wheel
Let's Practice:
Let’s practice the and:
- I feel guilt and I’m allowed to say no.
- I can disappoint others and still be lovable.
- I can be kind and boundaried.
Pair your no with a regulating action:
- Feel your feet on the ground
- Put a hand on your heart
- Exhale slowly
- Say your no aloud with breath and body
This signals to your nervous system: You are safe. You are allowed to exist in your full truth.
Start With Micro No’s:
Don’t jump straight into saying no to hosting Thanksgiving for 40 people. Practice on the small stuff:
“Do you want cream in your coffee?” → “No, thank you.”
“Want to watch that show again?” → “No, not tonight.”
Say it clearly. Say it out loud. Say it even when it feels silly. This is how we build the muscle. Let your body learn, one moment at a time, that saying no doesn’t erase your worth.
A Tender Reminder
You’re not struggling because you’re weak. You’re healing patterns that were once brilliant survival strategies. You’re learning how to belong to yourself and that is profound.
Tags: emotional outsourcing, somatic coaching, nervous system regulation, feminist wellness, interoception, self-trust, saying no, trauma healing, boundaries, guilt and grief, reparenting, people pleasing recovery