Tenderoni Hotline #3: Why Boundaries Feel So Hard + Why You Keep Procrastinating
Hello, hello, my love. Welcome back to Feminist Wellness. Today, we’re continuing our newest and most tender segment: The Tenderoni Hotline - your weekly dose of somatics, nervous system wisdom, and loving feminist coaching. Every Tuesday, I’m answering real questions from you, our beautiful community, drawing from Anchored, The Somatic Studio, and your emails. Let’s dive in.
Question 1
Why do I feel guilty for having, setting, or trying to keep a boundary?
We talk about this all the time in Anchored, it’s such a common and important question. Guilt shows up around boundaries because most of us were never taught that boundaries are a form of love. We were taught that they’re rejection. We were taught that they’re selfish.
So of course, when you finally say something like:
“Please don’t raise your voice at me. If you do, I’m going to step away from this conversation to take care of myself, and I’ll reenter when we can speak calmly.” It’s scary enough to even get those words out. And afterward, your nervous system lights up with guilt. Your brain screams, “What did I just do?” It thinks you’ve broken the number one survival rule: Keep everyone else comfortable at all costs.
Why Boundaries Feel Threatening
From a biological and psychological standpoint, boundaries can feel like danger. Your amygdala, the fear center in the brain, reads it as, They’ll be mad at me, which means they’ll hate me, which means they’ll leave, which means I’ll be unsafe. It’s not melodrama. It’s memory. It’s your body recalling childhood moments when displeasing someone truly did cost you connection.
When Guilt Becomes a Survival Strategy
I once worked with a client who told me she’d rather pay for her friend’s car repairs later than say no to lending her car now. That’s the power of guilt. It convinces you that self-sacrifice equals safety.
Another client, let’s call her Megan, worked for months on setting limits with her mom. When she finally said she couldn’t talk on the phone every day, she hung up and sobbed for hours. Not because she regretted it, but because her nervous system equated boundaries with betrayal.
It’s Not Just Personal. It’s Cultural.
Patriarchy teaches women to be endlessly giving, endlessly available, and endlessly self-sacrificing. Men are rewarded for boundaries. Women are punished. So that guilt you feel? It’s not just yours. It’s cultural. It’s systemic.
How to Move Through the Guilt
Don’t wait for guilt to go away before setting boundaries.
If you do, you’ll never set them.
Set the boundary with the guilt present.
Feel it. Love on it. Soften toward it.
In Anchored, we use parts work to meet the part of us that feels guilty. You can hold that part with compassion while your grounded adult self sets the boundary anyway.
From a nervous system perspective, safety grows through action. You don’t wait to feel safe before acting. You act, and your body learns that safety follows.
One of my clients called it her “growth ache.”
That little ache that says, I did something new.
Remember:
- A real boundary isn’t “I don’t like that, stop it.”
- A real boundary is “If you do X, I’ll do Y.”
Boundaries are not about controlling others. They are about taking care of yourself. They are resentment prevention. If you feel guilty for setting boundaries, know this: Guilt is just your nervous system remembering old rules. And the most beautiful part is that you are allowed to write new ones.
Question 2
Why do I procrastinate, even on things I actually care so much about?
Procrastination is not laziness. It’s your nervous system trying to keep you safe. When you approach something meaningful, your body scans for risk. If you’ve learned that mistakes lead to shame or that success only raises expectations, your nervous system might read even excitement as danger.
So it presses the brakes. You freeze. You scroll. You tidy the closet. Anything but the thing that matters.
The Freeze Response in Action
Your sympathetic nervous system says, Do it now!
Your dorsal vagal system says, Too risky, stop.
You end up stuck in neutral, neither moving nor resting.
One client dreamed of starting her own business. She had the name, the logo, everything. But each time she sat down to file the paperwork, she froze. Her body equated beginning with potential rejection. Another client avoided calling her doctor for months. Asking for help once led to ridicule, so her body remembered, Don’t do that again.
The Perfectionism Trap
Perfectionism often rides alongside procrastination. When your worth has been tied to doing things flawlessly, starting means risking imperfection. And let’s be honest, patriarchy doubles down on that pressure. Women are expected to get it right the first time, to be pleasing and perfect. Better not to start than to fail.
The Truth Behind Procrastination
You procrastinate not because you don’t care, but because your body believes not starting is safer than starting and being judged. It’s not a character flaw. It’s a protection strategy.
How to Work With It
Start with compassion. Shame deepens the freeze. Then, focus on micro-actions. Success doesn’t have to be the finished masterpiece. Success can be:
- I showed up for three minutes.
- I wrote one sentence.
- I made the call and left a message.
When you celebrate these micro-wins, your dopamine system starts linking action with reward instead of dread. Procrastination is not proof that you don’t care. It’s proof your body has been working overtime to protect you. With gentleness and tiny steps, you can retrain your nervous system to believe that moving forward is safe enough for today.
A Tender Reminder
You are not broken. You’re healing patterns that once kept you safe. Boundaries, procrastination, guilt, and fear are all your nervous system remembering old survival rules. And you, my beauty, are learning to write new ones.
Tags: emotional outsourcing, nervous system regulation, somatic coaching, boundaries, guilt and shame, feminist wellness, trauma healing, people pleasing recovery, perfectionism, procrastination, self compassion