Why Your Nervous System Craves Closure and Constant Reassurance in Relationships
Today, we are diving into two powerful questions around heartbreak, healing, and connection:
- Why do I keep replaying old conversations with my ex and craving closure, even though I know they won’t give it to me?
- Why do I keep asking for reassurance in my current relationship, even though I know I’m loved?
Let’s explore what your nervous system is trying to tell you in both of these situations, and how to begin gently supporting it.
Question 1: Why You Keep Wanting Closure from Your Ex
If you find yourself replaying conversations, imagining what you would say, or wanting to reach out for “closure,” even when you know your ex won’t give you the answer you want — you’re not alone. And more importantly, you’re not broken.
It Might Not Be Closure, It Might Be a Need for Coherence
When a relationship ends suddenly or without repair, your nervous system can stay in a loop. No apology. No accountability. No soft landing. Just the hard stop of disconnection. And that leaves your body trying to make sense of what happened. You might be calling it closure, but underneath that word is often a deep longing for coherence – for something to finally make sense. Your system wants to understand, to complete the story, to tie a bow on the confusion and pain. This is not weakness. This is your body trying to finish something that feels dangerously incomplete.
Closure Does Not Come from Their Words
Here’s the hard truth: closure rarely comes from someone else’s response. What actually brings resolution is your nervous system recognizing that the threat has passed. That you are no longer in the pain of their leaving. That you are safe now. But your body might not fully know that yet. So it keeps tugging you toward actions that feel like resolution – like texting, calling, or rehashing. Even though you already know how that story ends.
How to Help Your Body Feel the Ending
Instead of waiting for an ex to close the loop, offer your body something it can understand:
– Write the letter you’ll never send
– Delete the text thread that keeps pulling you back
– Take a walk that ends where it began, symbolizing a full circle
– Light a candle, say goodbye, and blow it out
These small rituals signal completion in a language your nervous system speaks fluently. And remember, closure might not feel like peace at first. Sometimes it just means sitting with the unfinished feeling long enough for the charge to fade. It might feel uncomfortable, but it’s also profoundly healing.
You Don’t Need Their Response to Feel Better
Here is what you can tell yourself instead: I can make me feel better. I do make me feel better. I am doing the work to support myself. Because real closure is not about getting the right answer from them. It is about taking your power back and creating peace within yourself.
Question 2: Why You Constantly Ask for Reassurance in Relationships
You’re in a loving relationship. You know your partner cares. You trust that the love is real. And still, you find yourself asking, “Are we okay?” Over and over. If that feels familiar, I want you to know this is not neediness. It is nervous system patterning.
When Love Was Inconsistent, Safety Never Lasted
If you grew up with love that came and went, if connection required constant vigilance, if affection felt earned rather than freely given – then your system learned to expect abandonment. Even now, in the presence of steady love, your body may be scanning for signs that it is about to disappear. Your nervous system is sending out little flares: Check, check, check. Are we still safe?
Reassurance Gives Relief, but Not Safety
When you ask the question “Are we okay?” and your partner reassures you, it brings temporary relief. A little dopamine hit. But then the panic creeps back, and you have to ask again. Why? Because your system never learned how to sit in the safety. It never got to soak in it, marinate in it, breathe in it for longer than a moment or two. So the cycle continues.
The Answer: Microregulation of Attachment
If you’ve heard me talk about baby steps, you know how I feel. A baby step is still too big. What we need are kitten steps. Tiny, teeny-tiny, half-inch shifts that move your system toward trust without overwhelming it. Next time the panic rises and you want to ask the question “Do you love me? Am I still safe?” try this instead:
- Pause
- Orient to your environment: look around, feel your body in the space
- Take three long, slow breaths with extended exhales
- Find one piece of sensory evidence that you are safe right now
Maybe it’s the sound of their voice in the next room. The weight of the blanket on your lap. The steady breath of your dog beside you.
We are helping your nervous system learn to find safety from what is, not just from words. Not just from reassurance.
Safety Comes from Inside You
The goal is not to stop needing connection. It is to stop outsourcing your emotional regulation to someone else’s mood, tone, or words. Safety lives inside your body. And it gets built gently, with compassion, one kitten step at a time.
Final Thoughts on Nervous System and Closure
If you are stuck in the loop of seeking closure, or feel caught in the spiral of needing constant reassurance, I want you to know this: you are not doing anything wrong. Your body is responding to past patterns. And you can shift them. Not by forcing your way out, but by building safety within.
You are allowed to create your own closure.
You are allowed to trust love at your own pace.
You are allowed to come home to yourself.
Slowly. Lovingly. With deep respect for everything your system has carried.
Want Support for Nervous System and Closure Healing?
Grab your copy of End Emotional Outsourcing to learn how to stop performing for safety and start feeling safe for real.
Inside, you’ll find practical tools, somatic practices, and loving support to help you shift patterns like overthinking, people pleasing, and emotional outsourcing.
And if you want my free orienting audio and nervous system meditations, head to beatrizalbina.com/free. They are yours, no strings.
You are safe.
You are held.
You are loved.
And when one of us heals, we help heal the world.