1 Powerful People Pleasing Tool to Reclaim Your Voice and Set Boundaries

A People Pleasing Tool That Actually Helps You Speak Up

If you’ve ever found yourself smiling at the wrong moment, saying yes when you meant no, or walking away from a conversation frustrated that you didn’t speak your truth, this post is for you.

In this heartfelt and often hilarious episode of the Tenderoni Hotline, I’m joined by master-certified coach and self-described “EX Good Girl” Sara Fisk. Together, we unpack the nervous system patterns and conditioning behind people pleasing, and Sara shares a simple but powerful tool to help you shift from people-pleasing default to grounded, intentional communication.

Watch the full episode on YouTube

What Is People Pleasing Really?

Before we can dismantle it, we have to define it.

Sarah explains the difference between people pleasing and fawning, a crucial distinction.

– Fawning is a survival response, not a conscious decision. It’s your nervous system reacting to perceived threat.

– People pleasing, on the other hand, is the habitual behavior that often follows saying yes too quickly, avoiding conflict, abandoning your own needs.

This people pleasing tool helps you pause, reflect, and choose how you want to show up in the moment, without judgment.

The People Pleasing Tool: The Communication Scale

The main tool Sara shares is what she calls the communication scale:

– Think of a scale from 1 to 10.

– 1 is overly apologetic, self-erasing, and overly nice.

– 10 is what many of us were taught to fear = bossy, mean, “too much.”

– Your sweet spot? A number that’s stretchy but not panic-inducing. Clear, calm, direct, and aligned with your values.

You start by writing out what a 10/10 response would sound like. Something you would never say but want to try on mentally. Then you back it down, one level at a time, until you find something that feels empowering and safe to say aloud.

This is not about confrontation for the sake of it, it’s about reclaiming your voice with intention and care.

Somatic Practice Meets Strategy

What makes this people pleasing tool so special is that it’s grounded in nervous system awareness.

Sara encourages mental rehearsal of your chosen sentence, so your body has a chance to practice the experience before it happens. You’re training your nervous system to stay regulated while stretching into bolder communication.

This isn’t about forcing yourself to say the “right” thing perfectly. It’s about choicefulness, not reaction.

Real Life Example: From Fawn to Firm

In one memorable story, Sara shares how a large man at the gym gave her unsolicited feedback about her workout. Her first reaction was a nervous smile – a classic fawn. But instead of spiraling in self-blame, she used the communication scale to find the words that felt both clear and aligned.

The next day, she calmly told him:
“Unless I ask you for your feedback, it’s not welcome and it’s none of your business.”

Yes, her heart was pounding. But she stood in her power. And that’s the point.

The Feminist Reframe of People Pleasing

This conversation isn’t about shaming ourselves for our survival habits. It’s about getting curious.

Sara and I invite you to ask:

– Is this reaction coming from fear or choice?

– Am I abandoning myself to avoid discomfort?

– What kind of communication feels like self-respect?

You’re not “too much” for wanting clarity. You’re not rude for setting a boundary. You are learning to show up for yourself.

Try the People Pleasing Tool for Yourself

Here’s how you can start today:

1. Think of a recent moment when you people pleased out of habit.

2. Write a 10/10 response you’ll never say but need to imagine.

3. Back it down to a level that feels aligned with your values and nervous system.

4. Practice saying it out loud or in your journal.

5. Notice what shifts in your body and mindset.

This tool is about building the bridge between survival and sovereignty – one clear sentence at a time.

Want More Support From Me?

• Order my book End Emotional Outsourcing to learn somatic tools for healing
• Join the Anchored community coaching program
• Subscribe to The Feminist Wellness Podcast
• Get your free grounding meditations here

Want More From Sara Fisk?

You can find Sara at sarafisk.coach and on her podcast, The EX Good Girl Podcast, where she shares more tools to dismantle perfectionism and reclaim your voice.

Loving Reminder

Your nervous system is doing its best to keep you safe. Your job is to show it there’s a new way, one that includes your voice, your needs, and your truth. You’re not selfish for having boundaries. You’re not mean for telling the truth. You’re just growing.